Things

Hey, I'm writing this blog because I am overdue for a new one. Life, is really crazy. Sometimes I finally think I have got it all figured out,and then something crazy happens, and I am confused again. And I am not saying that this is a bad thing, just a life thing. And sometimes, sometimes I get so tired and I am so ready to be like, you know, please, just bail me out of this one, PLEASE. And when I finally think to pray about it, it gets better like immediately, and it doesn't always make sense, because sometimes I feel better, but nothing has changed. And sometimes everything changes. You just have to ask. The problem is, that the prayer solution is just too simple,so I never think about it, until I'm in deeper than I ever needed to get. Another life saver has got to be music, I love to sing, and I love music. A song can inspire, improve your mood, make you smile, and sometimes make you cry. And I think it's awesome. SInging reminds me that life is fun, and that i have more worth than i give myself credit for, and it is wonderful. I just don't do it enough anymore. Thanks for reading :). My mother will probably read this blog and be super offended because I started like unto a hundred sentences with the word and, which is a strictly forbidden practice in the english language. But it's okay, I'll survive. Oops... but isn't allowed either.

UGH

So pretty much this blog will be about boys, if you couldn't guess by the title :). So the problem is that Some people always get the luck with them while others are left to figure things out for themselves. I happen to be one of the second variety. Luckily, there are drawbacks to either type which makes it A LOT easier for those of us without the crowds following them around... But mostly this was just a lame excuse of a blog so that I could publicly complain about my lack of boys. But seriously, I am even jealous of ugly betty! In the first season, 3 different guys fall in love with her! What the heck!? Her name has ugly in it! Actually she is pretty cute and she is really nice so she deserves it, but heck! Have you seen me?! I deserve it too! Haha... just kidding, but it's kind of true. The end...

Invention

So Christmas time always makes me think of this really embarrassing memory i have. One year around Christmas, back in my days of extreme innocence, I was wrapping presents, and we had the see-through cellophane wrapping paper stuff that is really staticy. While experimenting with this cellophane i found out that if you took a small piece of cellophane and wrapped it around a normal roll of wrapping paper it would cling to itself and not allow the wrapping paper to unwind. This particular roll of cellophane had the phrase "ho ho" stamped on it. Elated with my new idea I ran to tell my mom of my invention, I explained what it did and gave it the title of "Ho Ho Hookers" For some reason my mom was not as happy with this title as I was. She told me that it was actually kind of naughty and I of course began to cry. In those days I did not know the meaning of the words which I chose to title my invention, but now I do. And I think my mom may have been right in preventing that particular name to title my invention.

I hate it when people don't blog for a really long time because I get bored of seeing the same post every time I get on. So I just thought I'd write a couple of words so peeps don't get too bored of mine.

SICK

I thought I'd post about this because I'm stuck at home super bored and this, being the underlying cause, needs to be spoken about. Thanksgiving weekend I was sick so I stayed home from Idaho and pretty much just took over my friend Aubree's life, that is to say I went with her family for thanksgiving, went to a family party with them saturday, and used her as my ambulance when I passed out in my bathroom saturday night. Luckily she is one of those great friends I have who somehow manages to still love me. Another one of these friends is Kristen Hendriksen who, came to the hospital emergency room and chilled with us awhile, and then bought me plenty of healthy fruits and vegetables. SO now, the story of the sickness. Wednesday: I was sick, stayed home from Idaho, Threw up, felt better, had Aubree sleep over. Thursday: Felt fine in the morning, but thanksgiving dinner made me hurt so badly I wanted to die, and I didn't even eat that much, dang it. Friday: Pretty sick, still went to do some shopping with Aubree and Brian, started getting sicker, eventually got a blessing from Aubree's dad and Rylan and returned to their house. Saturday: So sick, but still went to a pokemon tournement with Rylan,and a family party with all of the Chords. Saturday night was eventful enough that it deserves its own heading, so, Saturday night: I got home, was super dizzy, and eventually passed out. Then, I proceeded to text Aubree and then call her and leave a message that I cannot even remember, it probably made no sense, but she got the point and called me back, then she came to get me. So we went to the ER and I could hardly walk so she was my walking stick, we got in, I got an IV, there were plenty of good looking guys working that night, we laughed about reflexology while I tried to breathe at a normal rate, and the doctor came, poked me in the stomach and declared that I had all the symptoms of a bad gallbladder. Shoot. So, in the end we were in the er for around 4 hours, I got an ultrasound, peed in a cup, had blood taken, and was fed some antinausea junk through the IV that pretty much saved my life. Finally when I could leave we went to Aubree's house, watched a movie, and then went to sleep for a really really long time. And I've pretty much just kept sleeping since. I have a test tomorrow to see if my gallbladder is broken, and then we will proceed as is appropriate. SO over all I just want to say: Thank you Chords! Thank you Aubree! Thank you Kristen! And thank you everyone who cares.

Tithing

So, I just have to say that tithing is pretty much the biggest blessing giver in the world. Last saturday I borrowed a friends car to go to salt lake, and the trip went just fine, until upon arriving home, I decided to fill the car up with gas. I got to the gas station, slid my card and got ready to fill it up, when I realised that I had no idea how to pop open the gas cap cover thing... So i searched and searched and couldn't find the button so I got ready to leave. Before leaving I checked the screen and it looked like my card had cancelled. So I went home and found out where the button was and was off again. I returned to the gas station a few hours later and put about 6 dollars of gas in. When I got home I checked my balance, and i only had a few dollars in my bank account which suprised me because I had over a hundred when I had left. A charge was on my balance of 100 dollars that I was supposed to have charged at the gas station about 2 minutes after I had left. My card had not really cancelled, and whoever went after me had charged their gas to my card. I freaked out. I mean this was ALL of my money, ALL of it! So I called the bank, they were closed, and called the lost or stolen card number and they couldn't help me, (side note: I love how they put that number on the back of your card! Like you'll really have your card around to see the number if it's been lost or stolen! oy...) So finally I went to the gas station, and at that point they couldn't help me yet. So I spent the day freaking out, and on sunday I went to church and paid my tithing with a check. I had to transfer my savings into my checking account to pay for the tithing but I thought it would be worth it. So, when monday came and my tithing check was yet to go through and I had less money in my account than could cover it, I was totally freaking out. The Irony of it all, My tithing check was going to bounce! Haha.. it's kind of funny when you think about it... But anyways, on tuesday I went to the bank and after talking to them I found out that they couldn't help me yet, so I was destined to have my temporary poorness. Dang dang dang... But here comes the blessing: Yesterday night when I checked my balance, the charge was completely gone, not like canceled, but like it had never happened in the first place. My money was back, and seriously I cried. SO the moral of the story? When in doubt, PAY YOUR TITHING.

Fruits Basket!!!!

I just started watching this show, called Fruits Basket, it is an anime show that my friend aubree has started me liking. I was slighly suspicious at first, but after watching the first episode I was totally hooked! So thanks Aubree! But this show, seriously you should spend some time watching it because it is really awesome! It is about the zodiac and people who have been born to live as one of the different animals of the zodiac. It's pretty cool, and it makes me laugh. It has all the lameness a good show needs along with amazingness that makes it totally worthwhile. And sorry, this is definitely the worst blog I have ever written... but the show is good :)

The Amazingness of Kristen Hendriksen

SO my friend Kristen pretty much said that I needed to write a blog about her so that she could comment on it, so I decided to take the opportunity and write about her. For starters she has very nice eyes, very nice. And this is a trait i take total advantage of every time I say something that offends her. But it's not a lie, they really are super nice! But also she is just so cool, she has like this quiet exterior but man when you get in a conversation with her you cannot stop laughing because she is so funny, and it is smart funny too. Oh gosh it kills me. Also, she is just so nice, like really if you need someone to talk to and just to be understanding, she is the one. And no worries, she is the most humble person ever. She would never ever ask someone to write a blog about how amazing she was, well actually she might, in fact, I think she did. Oh well, I love the girl.

It looks as though I have been tagged...

I am: a person
I want: to go to france as soon as possible
I have: a nice smile
I dislike: yelling. At all directed at anyone.
I miss: Kali
I fear: not knowing where to go with my life
I feel: content
I hear: murmuring... it's a library dang it! Keep it down! :)
I crave: Icecream, or cheesecake... or pretty much everything else i do not have at the moment
I cry: A LOT
I usually: don't do my homework...
I search: for my phone...
I wonder: why my mouth is so small and yet i can talk so much
I regret: making mistakes
I love: hedgehogs
I care: about everything, probably too much
I worry: that i will never decide what i want to be when I grow up
I am not: normal... but it's okay
I remember: that i didn't do my psychology reading last night
I believe: that god loves me
I dance: not usually, but occasionally when i forget myself
I sing: a lot, and I love it
I don't always: Think before I speak
I argue: Me? Never...
I write: A comic books for the kids at my work at the moment
I win: NEVER
I lose: Oh gosh, what don't I lose
I wish: I could date more... A lot more :D
I listen: to everything
I don't understand: Oh man... so much
I can usually be found: on the bus
I need:to be more considerate
I forget: I would forget to breath if my body didn't do it on it's own
I am happy: when I am with my friends

So Tag You're it: Kelsi, Aubree, Becky So You Had Better Blog

"She knew little about him, yet she felt that she knew him better than anyone in her life, understood the essentials of him, the shape of the spirit that lived in his heart, the strength of the heart that was the compass of his mind."
"He had seen many women more beautiful than she was.He had never seen one at whom he enjoyed more looking."
Okay so lame though this may sound, I totally want that kind of love, like really. I want to find someone who I know better than anyone else even though I don't know everything about them. And maybe that is not even possible, but if it is, I want to find it. I want to find it so badly. These quotes strangely enough comes from a book by Dean Koontz, it is called The Good Guy, and it is about a man who has been hired to kill a woman, and the man who decides to risk his life to save the woman even though he doesn't even know her. I found myself caught in this book, i wanted to finish, but at the same time i never wanted it to end. I wanted to be that woman who had found that kind of love for this man, who loved her more than anything. It sounds so wonderful, and so impossible, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.
I am only 18 but that doesn't stop me from wanting marriage and family and a career, and everything that life has for me. And I have no idea what is coming, I am at a place where anything could happen, anything, and I don't really know how to approach that. I mean wow... decisions decisions. And life is crazy, I mean honestly you can never guess what will happen next, what trials or blessings are around the corner, and that inability to know makes it hard. We have to make decisions without knowing their outcomes, but luckily we have guides, spritual, physical, and emotional guides that we find in those around us, and also in our god.
Whoever it is that you love, and whoever it is that you decide to worship, even if it is not the same god that I have found, I hope they guide you on your path. I hope you find what needs to be found, because someday we will be shown are lives, and I for one want to be able to look back with confidence knowing that I did what was right.

Addicted

This seems like a serious topic, and at many times it is. But, on occasion, it actually is not. I am suffering from a MAJOR peach addiction. THis addiction, is new, and quite enjoyable, healthy, and delicious. We recently have discovered the miracle of a peach tree in our yard, it has always been there, but only this year has it actually managed to produce edible peaches. And the word edible is the greatest understatement in this instince. THey are wonderful, delicious, fantastic, perfect, and running out. Which means withdrawal is soon to come, and I do not know how I will survive without that delicious taste in my mouth. But I must go on... So, if you happen to have extra peaches, please send them my way.

DRIVEN

Oh my! I just read seriously one of the most amazing books of my life! It is called Driven and is by W.G. Griffiths, and pretty much everyone should read it! Especially if you like to read, which, I do.It's kind of like a murder mystery but like with this amazing depth to it. It explores, God and heaven and the devil also, and I know that the ideas explored aren't true, but it makes an interesting read, and it is very well written. I just love it! I especially like the fact that it was a really intense book, and definitely adult, but even though there could have been innapropriate material it wasn't there at all, which is quite a surprise, considering a lot of recent literature. ANd okay honestly, I am not one to censor books, I believe in the freedom of expression and I think that if you remove any part of a book, it loses a part of its identity, as does the author. If I feel uncomfortable reading something, than it is my job to find something else to read, no author should be forced to conform to my beliefs. IT just shouldn't be done. Anyways... I am a bookaholic, like for real, ever since I started to read, which I admit was a little late, I have been unable to "quit" books. My mom has always said that I need a reading patch, but even if such a thing did exist, I would never, ever, submit. There is so much to learn through reading, you can experience things and places and even feelings that you have never even witnessed before, and it is absolutely amazing. And to be quite honest, odds are that if you ever call me at home, my nose is probably deeply nuzzled in the pages of my newest book.

RAWR (this will be a confusing blog but if you are interested in my life, it may be worth reading)

And it came to pass that i did say rawr... but to be absolutely honest, I say rawr a great deal. It is one of my favorite angry words, but I do not limit myself to only say it when I am angry, I could not do that. I have no idea what in the world this blog is about.... I was the mc for the young womens fashion show today... to bad I am not the most fantastic of the mc's but i suppose, all together it was a worthwhile affair... GO modesty! Haha... um but okay I will get into the deep stuff now. Lately I have been thinking about marriage a lot, practically all the time, which is so weird because it is not like i am swimming in marriage prospects. But I guess it stems from the fact that I have just graduated from high school, and in the fall I will be going to college, and I am so very excited, but considering the fact that I am a mormon girl living in utah, generallyit is expected that you marry rapidly. Not to say that I would be unhappy with marriage. You see I have been realizing what it is I want in the person I marry, and how important a temple marriage is to me. I never knew how important it was until just recently I went to a friends brothers wedding, it was beautiful, and you could tell how very much they loved each other, but I could feel inside of me that they were only married for this life, and I want to be married forever. And you see that just brings up even more confusion, If i get married I don't want to rush into it, marriage isn't something that you play with, and I know it won't be easy, but it is imperative, and I want to make sure that the person I choose is someone I will love forever, and someone who will love me, just as much. And then I think about the other side of the matter, the disapointment an early marriage could cause for my family. You see I have always been like the one person in my imediate and extended family for whom education has been a serious priority, and I feel as though if I were to marry, everyone would think that I am crazy, which quite possibly, I am. But I don't even know why in the world I am even talking about this because, as of now, I am so not getting married. But I am GOING TO COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!! And I seriously am so excited, I have been waiting for college FOREVER. I like to learn, I like to meet new people, and I am ready to try living more on my own. I am just ready for a change! So, change, here I come!

Goals

I have decided that more than anything else, I want to be a friend. I want to be the kind of person that people want to be with, the kind that is there whether things are going well or everything is wrong. I know that friendships are constantly being made and broken, and even when they are firmly established, they never cease to change. I am easily attached, and I try to always be considerate and mindful of people around me and though I am not always successful, it is something I earnestly try for. I love people and I hope that I can have the kind of impact that some of my greatest friends have had on me. I want to be the kind that people will want to stay friends with forever, the kind they know they can come to with any problem, and that whatever they need, I will give, if I can. I want to be the person to laugh or cry with, the one you can talk to for hours about nothing or everything, and the person you can go to if for one moment, you want to be put first.. That is the person I wish to become. I think that with people I already know, I am doing okay on this level, my problem is with people I have newly met. People tend to think I am shy which, to be quite honest, is true. Before I get to know people, I am the quiet one, the girl who doesn't talk much at all. I'd like to start not being that way, my problem is that I have no idea how, so it looks as though I am going to have to wing it... But to everyone who is already my friend, you have made an impact on my life that is forever, and I will not forget you.

Graduation

It looks as though I have graduated but to be quite honest it does not feel that way at all. I feel the same, I am ready for my life to happen, but I've felt like that forever. I don't know, maybe I expected some like great change of heart or something, but that is not the way it works. See life is great, and it is funny, it doesn't work the way you plan it, because you can't always know what is right for you. We all make plans, things we want so badly that it hurts, and sometimes they don't work and for awhile it is absolutely crushing. But then a different path forms in front of your eyes and it's better than anything you could have imagined, it feels good. And it doesn't mean that everything is perfect, of course not. That would not be any fun at all. But it is better than you thought, and even though it is different, you know it is right and you are glad that you trusted. We can't see on forever in front of us, and we cannot even remember all the things that have already happened to us, so sometimes someone else can better know what we need.

Pieces

Choices

The problem with life is that often you are faced with many good things and you are supposed to some how find the right one and figure it out from there when you have no idea what to do... And seriously that is exactly where i am. I do not know what to do. I have a college to choose, a life plan to make and I don't even know what I want. Everything changes rapidly and spontaneously and I don't know who I really really want to be or more accurately what I want to be. i have always had many many goals and as they change and progress, I don't know what I am losing, or what exactly I have to gain. I want hapiness, and challenge, and everything great, and i don't really care too much about how it comes about, except that i want to happen the right way. I don't know...

Aaaaaaah

I'd like to pretend that I don't care, if only I could convince myself. You know the way that people tell you everything happens for a reason, and even though you know it is true, it is so hard to make yourself believe it? I got turned down for france, and it hurts like literally it hurts, because I always always allow myself to get so attached to things that aren't even mine yet, and that quite possibly never will be. And then when I am certain that this one time what i want is going to be right and it WILL be what i get, it just isn't. But okay I know i am sounding so negative right now and I apologize but you have to realize that i just found out today, so it's fresh and new, and it smarts. SO of course I find myself wishing that i just did not care about anything, but that of course would make life a million times less meaningful, so it's okay. And now also I am left with a choice. I am just finishing high school and i need to decide what college i'll go to, or if really i just want to check with some au pair positioning place, and still go to france. And I really have no idea. I don't know what I want yet. I know that good things will happen and that everything will end up okay but for now it hurts. That's the way it is. SO I guess I need to just look forward and figure it out so I can be okay... or better yet, fantastic.

Don't even ask... I must be insane

I have decided to blog more often, not because i have much of importance to say, but because I do have much to say important or not. Like for example, I just finished the most amazing book, wherein, I fell head-over-heels in love with some guy who does not even exist, but who, if he did would be perfect. No, he is not edward cullen, not to say that i do not enjoy reading about his statuesque features, and vampirish habits, but the book he comes from is not one I can truly call literary. No, his name is vidanric, sarcastic but incessantly sweet he holds tight to a girls heart and willingly she must fall in love. No choices. Though, if the choice was there, she would fall for him without a doubt. BUt sadly this from a book romance is not real and he does not exist... as of yet. So I will do my very best not to dwell on him too much. Also I took an AP English Language test today which was to be honest, most fantastic. Haha... Okay not so much... But I think i did right quite an essay on the need for pennies. Definitely voicey but i'm not so sure about its literary merit. Oh well whether I pass or not, that three hour boring spree is over, and for that I am eternally grateful. No lie.
In the past, I have written of things of actual importance, but for the moment i am content to say virtually nothing in as many ways as possible. Speaking of nothing comes easy, what is hard is to speak of real things with both knowledge and empathy. Usually I am pretty good at the empathy, and I tend to think I am knowledgable, only to later realize that I am slightly misinformed. BUt still I find it necessary to stand up for what I think to be true, even after I begin to doubt. For example yesterday my friend becky and I seriously got into an argument over baby carrots. Yes, Baby carrots. How sad can it get right? I assured her that they were once large carrots which had been cut into smaller more perfect shapes, but she was sure that they were only picked early. and for once in my whole life, I was right. (I looked it up)Haha! I win! Unless becky happens to be reading this, in which case, becky you were right as always and I apologize for any confusion.
In addition to apologizing to beck, I now feel that it is necessary that I apologize to everyone who is now reading this blog trying futiley (if that's even a word... I meant in a futile fashion or something...) to make sense of all this insanity... If you once thought I was normal I hope I have not decreased your opinion of me in any way. I am crazy. But who isn't?

France... or not

A few weeks ago i heard about the opportunity of my life, and so so ready to grasp it, I called it mine and forged a beautiful, painful, one-sided bond. I want to go to paris so badly. So badly it almost could be considered painful, in a physical way, but not quite. See i have a chance to go be a nanny (Au pair if i'm feeling pompous) for nearly a year in paris, not texas but france, the real one. But I have not heard back in a difinitive fashion, and seriously i was dying inside. I am not by any stretch of the imagination a waiter, or a patient person. I want to go and i want to know now. But I don't. And yesterday in church i had an epiphany almost as painful as the not knowing. I care too much about this stupid little thing that for now seems so important. As great as it would be to go to paris, the point of life is not to do as many cool things as possible! This came as quite a serious shock to me... Our purpose here is to return again to god, to be like him and to have an eternal family. My goals, then, should be based on that one imperative belief. I need to focus on becoming who i need to be, not doing what i merely want to do. I need to go to the places that will lead to my own eternal family. I am only 17 and so of course this will sound really lame, but I need to be going to the places that will lead to me finding the man i will want to marry. Yes I know that is overly mushy but who cares, I'm a girl... I can hardly help wanting a boy. The great eternal kind, someone who will love me forever as i am, and who i can return that eternal love to, never faltering. I don't need marraige tomorrow, next week, at the end of the summer, or even in a year... and lets face it, maybe not even five, but i need to be doing what i can to be in the places i need to be. So that some day in the more distant future I will be able to have what i want and more importantly, what i need. And after this brief epiphany my wait became weightless... totally kidding... I can still hardly handle the anticipation, but my intentions are better, and for now that is good enough for me.

Friends

i've written about friends before, i know i have, but my view has changed a little. See the things is that i have tried my whole life to never hurt anyone, especially people who i am closest to, and it seems i have failed, even with that as my ultimate goal. In trying to save my best friend from pain i hurt her, and i don't know what i am to her anymore. Hopefully i remain her best friend, but i have my doubts. Of course like most hurtful stories, it is, about a boy. I never would have guessed that some stupid boy and my stupid desire to help would cause a break if not forever, even just for now. ugh... see i hardly even want to talk about it, but of course i really do, otherwise i wouldn't even try. I kept something from her trying to protect her and when i finally told her, she was angry that i had waited so long. I don't like hurting people or telling things that aren't mine to tell but i know that this time i made the wrong choice. I wish i would have told her in the beginning, that would have solved a lot of problems, but in my mind i was doing the right thing so i stuck with it. Anyways, that part is over now. She ignored me for a bit and then we talked it out and made it okay. What made it especially hard though is that at the same time that all this was happening she was also getting to be close to this other girl, which is great, but it was hard to tell if she was avoiding me and our best friends or if she was just trying to spend time with her other friend. so the whole point of this all is that friends are the most amazing and the most confusing things in the world, and it is hard when things change. It's not that the change has been bad, she's still my best friend, but it's different, and takes adjustment. I'm okay with how things are but i hope they return to normal. I love my friends, they are everything to me, and i will do whatever i can to make things okay for all of them.