I am a confused mass of emotion and thought. I am always thinking and always feeling. I am like a crazy emotional thought machine that cannot be turned off. No matter what I am doing, my thoughts are running wild. I think about books and science and art and boys and work and friends and my family. Even when I am asleep I am thinking I remember atleast one dream almost every night. They vary, there is an occasional dream that makes me never want to sleep again and then there are those ones I hold onto so tightly because I do not want to lose them, they are so perfect. And then, there are weird ones. Being a thinker can sometimes get me into trouble, I think of amazing ideas that are almost genious until they are ruined by minor "realities". My ideas sometimes lead to the laughter of my friends for years after the actual event. I am also a very literal thinker, like if someone were to perhaps tell me to look under something for scissors, I would probably lift it up and look under instead of checking the cupboard underneath, actually believing that they will be there. I will never live that one down.
Besides the thinking I also mentioned feeling, I am a laugher, and unfortunately a crier. When things are hard or I am tired or in pain, or I am just overly confused I cry. It is the way I deal with things though I wish it wasn't. I wish I sould deal with them by carefully thinking them over and coming to an intellectual conclusion within minutes. Instead, my face crumples, my eyes fill, unidentifiable noises exit my mouth, and I gain an excellent spotchy complexion. That is one thing I do not really like about myself, I cry easily and often although luckily it is usually more of a quiet streaming tear type of things. It is not just my own pain I cry for, I don't like for other people to need to cry so... obviously I join them. I do not like that other people need to feel bad ever, I want them to always be okay, and they can't be. But I do also laugh, sometimes this is an innoportune habit but it is more enjoyable experience. I really like those times when I make other people laugh however few they may be. Mostly when people laugh at me it is because I have done something stupid, but sometimes I am actuallly funny, and I like to see other people laugh.
In my mind everything is overemphasized, and everything has massive importance. I cannot make it through the day without thinking about some strange pattern that no one else can see, or analyzing the importance of the rain formation on my window ( is it picasso or monet.) I think now that I have thouroughlly explained the oddity which is my mind I should shut up before you think I'm crazy (for definition check blog titled "crazy"). So anyways i'm going to skeedadle. BYE!
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
Girls Camp
I did not want to go to girls camp this year, last year had been a little... less than perfect and I didn't want to repeat the experience. You see, last year I kind of lost my best friend at girls camp, no big fight, no argument just "best-friendship," ended. It was funny (Ironic funny, not silly funny) because we had been drifting apart all year and I just didn't want to see it, and she didn't seem to care. Midway through camp she just left my cabin, and that was it. I had two amazing best friends back at home already, but I wanted this one, atleast at camp. So this year I stalled packing and I tried to think of good ways to get out of it, like getting hit by a car... without serious injury of course, or maybe a sudden case of the flue or something... anything. But on sunday I talked to some of my friends in my ward, pretending to be just as excited as they were and deciding that I had to go, even if I didn't want to, just to be with them. So I went.
Tuesday morning I woke up at nine o'clock hoping to get the last two episodes of season 2 of charmed in before going to camp. Ten minutes before the season finale of charmed was over Ashley Boice came to my door to pick me up, so I left, stuff and all, my mind still dwelling on the events in the oh-so-important episode of charmed as we headed for the stake center (due to my own excellent sense of direction.) As we loaded the bus I have to admit, my excitement built. Mia Shalom is definately on my list of the most beautiful places in the world, It's gorgeous, and I love it. That first afternoon it was fairly warm, windy but livable. We went to flag, performed our skits, and went to our cabins to perform our nightly rituals, story time with Sarah Christensen, and scripure reading with our individual cabins, you know the usual stuff. Then we went to sleep, alright so maybe sleep is exageration, I went into a state of constant waking up for about 6 hours.
The next morning when I first decided to glance out the window I witnessed an amazing sight... snow, which turned out to be a perpetual event for the next two days. So after my group [the rainbow dinosaurs (don't think too hard aubree)] made breakfast we retreated to the cabin for, seriously almost the rest of the day. Stuck inside the cabin I got to know the leaders and girls better than I ever dreamed was possible, and it was amazing. I watched as Ashley, a leaderr that I had never really known particularly well, became a friend and an amazing example, even as she danced around in her long johns putting on actual pants only to use the restrooms... interesting concept, eh? Laura Talbert, Sarah Monson, Abby Millard, all those other monson girls, and every single girl and leader at camp this year, they became friends, most of them already were, but now I knew them.
Wednesday the leaders brought dinner in, to us in the cabins, so we would not have to venture into the 20 degree weather. Now I need to explain what we loosely describe as cabins, they are small A-frame structures with holes big enough to see light and feel wind through, with the temperature of 20 outside the cabins were at a warm 41 so don't get excited thinking of our heated rooms with running wateer and clawfooted bath tubs. So wednesday night we were ready to go home and we thought we might be able to. Kirsten Little our camp director drove down the mountain on icy roads to make a phone call as Ashley gave us a much needed lesson on the importance of courage and we did our hair with pipe cleaners. When Kirsten came back we were all releived to see her safe and she told us that we were going to stick it out, and with our new found courage we cheered.
The next morning was about a million times more freezing and we began to decide who we would eat first if we had to go donner party. Our leaders came up saying that we were going home, and that it was time for us to pack up our stuff two days early. It was a bitter sweet moment, and we got packed up quickly. Then just as we had put the tie on the last sleeping bag we found out that we had to stay, and it was too much. I went into breakdown mode, I had wanted to stay, but I do not like to feel played with, and I did. I didn't eat much for lunch and I kind of sat around crying for awhile. My mom and I had talked to the stake leaders and I felt llike they ad taken the brunt of the blame, so I decided that they needed to feel our love. I thought we should write them a letter, and we did. When I went to the stake cabin with Brittany to drop it off, we found them sledding down a hill in garbage bags, and I decide that that was how I wanted to be: positive in a hard situation. So I joined them, breaking every rule available but finally I was happy.
The bishopbric came up that night with reinforcements in the form of extra sleeping bags, coats, hats gloves and hand warmers. Testimony meeting began in clearer weather with a lot of the ice actually melted. And the tomorrow promised to be beautiful, and it had better have been because it was to be my last day, and I wanted it to be amazing. At this point I almost wanted to stay at camp forever.
Friday was beautiful, and i did not want to go home at all, the only reason I could go home early was to take the ACT and I was not exactly looking forward to it so... anyways. But reinforced with dried mangos and all packed up I left for home, and the boredom TV had waiting for me. The charmed episode did not seem nearly as important although that didn't stop me from finishing it after a hot shower. So that was camp it was amazing and I am so glad I went.
Tuesday morning I woke up at nine o'clock hoping to get the last two episodes of season 2 of charmed in before going to camp. Ten minutes before the season finale of charmed was over Ashley Boice came to my door to pick me up, so I left, stuff and all, my mind still dwelling on the events in the oh-so-important episode of charmed as we headed for the stake center (due to my own excellent sense of direction.) As we loaded the bus I have to admit, my excitement built. Mia Shalom is definately on my list of the most beautiful places in the world, It's gorgeous, and I love it. That first afternoon it was fairly warm, windy but livable. We went to flag, performed our skits, and went to our cabins to perform our nightly rituals, story time with Sarah Christensen, and scripure reading with our individual cabins, you know the usual stuff. Then we went to sleep, alright so maybe sleep is exageration, I went into a state of constant waking up for about 6 hours.
The next morning when I first decided to glance out the window I witnessed an amazing sight... snow, which turned out to be a perpetual event for the next two days. So after my group [the rainbow dinosaurs (don't think too hard aubree)] made breakfast we retreated to the cabin for, seriously almost the rest of the day. Stuck inside the cabin I got to know the leaders and girls better than I ever dreamed was possible, and it was amazing. I watched as Ashley, a leaderr that I had never really known particularly well, became a friend and an amazing example, even as she danced around in her long johns putting on actual pants only to use the restrooms... interesting concept, eh? Laura Talbert, Sarah Monson, Abby Millard, all those other monson girls, and every single girl and leader at camp this year, they became friends, most of them already were, but now I knew them.
Wednesday the leaders brought dinner in, to us in the cabins, so we would not have to venture into the 20 degree weather. Now I need to explain what we loosely describe as cabins, they are small A-frame structures with holes big enough to see light and feel wind through, with the temperature of 20 outside the cabins were at a warm 41 so don't get excited thinking of our heated rooms with running wateer and clawfooted bath tubs. So wednesday night we were ready to go home and we thought we might be able to. Kirsten Little our camp director drove down the mountain on icy roads to make a phone call as Ashley gave us a much needed lesson on the importance of courage and we did our hair with pipe cleaners. When Kirsten came back we were all releived to see her safe and she told us that we were going to stick it out, and with our new found courage we cheered.
The next morning was about a million times more freezing and we began to decide who we would eat first if we had to go donner party. Our leaders came up saying that we were going home, and that it was time for us to pack up our stuff two days early. It was a bitter sweet moment, and we got packed up quickly. Then just as we had put the tie on the last sleeping bag we found out that we had to stay, and it was too much. I went into breakdown mode, I had wanted to stay, but I do not like to feel played with, and I did. I didn't eat much for lunch and I kind of sat around crying for awhile. My mom and I had talked to the stake leaders and I felt llike they ad taken the brunt of the blame, so I decided that they needed to feel our love. I thought we should write them a letter, and we did. When I went to the stake cabin with Brittany to drop it off, we found them sledding down a hill in garbage bags, and I decide that that was how I wanted to be: positive in a hard situation. So I joined them, breaking every rule available but finally I was happy.
The bishopbric came up that night with reinforcements in the form of extra sleeping bags, coats, hats gloves and hand warmers. Testimony meeting began in clearer weather with a lot of the ice actually melted. And the tomorrow promised to be beautiful, and it had better have been because it was to be my last day, and I wanted it to be amazing. At this point I almost wanted to stay at camp forever.
Friday was beautiful, and i did not want to go home at all, the only reason I could go home early was to take the ACT and I was not exactly looking forward to it so... anyways. But reinforced with dried mangos and all packed up I left for home, and the boredom TV had waiting for me. The charmed episode did not seem nearly as important although that didn't stop me from finishing it after a hot shower. So that was camp it was amazing and I am so glad I went.
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