A thing I learned today

So last night my fancy tube fell out of my abdomen... lame. It's been happening quite frequently and it is a little annoying. anyway, on this occasion, I could not get it back in. So that was a little dumb and led to a trip to my favorite land, the ER! Yay hooray! Actually, it wasn't too bad, until the part where they put a new, temporary, unusable tube in.  That was slightly on the painful side.  Like tears falling kinda painful. That part sucked. And then I couldn't sleep basically all night, so that was dumb too, although I did watch Charly, The Incredibles, Mulan, and Never Been Kissed, so that part was kind of good.
Anyway, the ER peeps were supposed to schedule me to meet with the radiologists and get a real one put in, and that didn't actually happen. So I spent an hour and a half calling people to get the appointment scheduled. (This is the part where you should be really proud of me, because I really dislike making phone calls... you know, the bureaucracy of it all). Anyway, I did it and got an appointment for 2 o'clock, when I came in, courtesy of my friends Chelsea and Aubree.  Anyway, at the radiologist's, I got some killer scrubs and a gown on, and they got to work.  At first, it was actually kind of fun, there was good music on and I was like joking with the radiologists and it was really cool.  But then they started actually working on me, and I got quiet, and less funny, which is a downer, because I am a riot. Seriously.
Anyway, this was a slightly painful process that got more painful as time went on, and when it was over, I was really hurting. As I got off the table and headed back to my room, I got really cold and then hot and sick to my stomach. Really sick. I was like throwing up (Sorry guys) and they gave me some zofran which I promptly threw up some more (sorry again). Still feeling sick, I finally went home and layed on my bed for like 2 hours during which I like couldn't get up, after that, I spent another couple of hours where I could basically only walk if I was like bent in half.  But then finally, I got to the point where I could (can) stand up and walk and everything (even if my stomach is making some CRAZY sounds).  Anyway, to the thing I learned: Sometimes, feeling decent, or even fairly sick, can feel like feeling spectacular, especially after feeling extremely shitty. So it's all a matter of perspective (and now you, as a reader of this blog, are gaining all kinds of new perspective on my potty mouth-- but seriously, crappy does not describe how I felt-- So I'm just going to assume that you are going to forgive me).   So now, tonight, I am sitting around feeling really spectacular and alive in sheer appreciation of the fact that I am no longer feeling like I am dying. Perspective rocks my socks off.  Life is good, even if it's hard, I love it. Usually.
Anyway, I think I shall try to incorporate this sense of  perspective into the remainder of my life without having to feel like the dying thing is on its way.  And it turns out that I say "anyways" A LOT. Sorry about that... and pleasant days to you.

My life

I don't know what I want to do with my life, at least not exactly, not precisely. I want to do something amazing, I want to help people, and I want to be remembered. I don't know how I will do this, but I know I will do it. I want future generations of people to look back at my life and to say, she was kind to people, she made them laugh, she was smart, she made a difference. I want there to be individuals whose lives are better because I am a part of them. That's really what I want.
I worry sometimes that I say the wrong things, because I do. I'm worried that I've hurt people, and I know I have. And I'm really sorry for it. I worry that some people have cried, and will cry because of me. I hurt for that. But I hope I can do enough good to make up for it.
I also worry that my capacity to do good is hindered by the same thing that hinders my capacity to eat food. But I don't actually think that's a thing.  I think that everyone can do good, no matter what their physical situation; If they want to.
I signed up for this stupid ass support group the other day. I thought maybe it would be cool to have other people to talk to, who understand what I'm going through. But, it turns out, it's mostly a forum for complaints, which is cool I guess, but I'm not really interested in hearing how hard life with gp is. I know how hard it is.  What I want to hear about is cool marathon runners and singers and astronauts with gastroparesis. That's support. Maybe I'll just have to do those amazing things and start my own group, where people can be inspired and empowered, rather than brought down by complaints. Not that complaining doesn't have its place, we all need a good vent from time to time. But I want people to feel like they can do hard things, not like things are too hard for them to do. I'm just pretty sure that support groups shouldn't be depressing.
I want everyone to just love each other, which is silly and naive, and maybe even stupid. But it would be amazing.