Pieces

Choices

The problem with life is that often you are faced with many good things and you are supposed to some how find the right one and figure it out from there when you have no idea what to do... And seriously that is exactly where i am. I do not know what to do. I have a college to choose, a life plan to make and I don't even know what I want. Everything changes rapidly and spontaneously and I don't know who I really really want to be or more accurately what I want to be. i have always had many many goals and as they change and progress, I don't know what I am losing, or what exactly I have to gain. I want hapiness, and challenge, and everything great, and i don't really care too much about how it comes about, except that i want to happen the right way. I don't know...

Aaaaaaah

I'd like to pretend that I don't care, if only I could convince myself. You know the way that people tell you everything happens for a reason, and even though you know it is true, it is so hard to make yourself believe it? I got turned down for france, and it hurts like literally it hurts, because I always always allow myself to get so attached to things that aren't even mine yet, and that quite possibly never will be. And then when I am certain that this one time what i want is going to be right and it WILL be what i get, it just isn't. But okay I know i am sounding so negative right now and I apologize but you have to realize that i just found out today, so it's fresh and new, and it smarts. SO of course I find myself wishing that i just did not care about anything, but that of course would make life a million times less meaningful, so it's okay. And now also I am left with a choice. I am just finishing high school and i need to decide what college i'll go to, or if really i just want to check with some au pair positioning place, and still go to france. And I really have no idea. I don't know what I want yet. I know that good things will happen and that everything will end up okay but for now it hurts. That's the way it is. SO I guess I need to just look forward and figure it out so I can be okay... or better yet, fantastic.

Don't even ask... I must be insane

I have decided to blog more often, not because i have much of importance to say, but because I do have much to say important or not. Like for example, I just finished the most amazing book, wherein, I fell head-over-heels in love with some guy who does not even exist, but who, if he did would be perfect. No, he is not edward cullen, not to say that i do not enjoy reading about his statuesque features, and vampirish habits, but the book he comes from is not one I can truly call literary. No, his name is vidanric, sarcastic but incessantly sweet he holds tight to a girls heart and willingly she must fall in love. No choices. Though, if the choice was there, she would fall for him without a doubt. BUt sadly this from a book romance is not real and he does not exist... as of yet. So I will do my very best not to dwell on him too much. Also I took an AP English Language test today which was to be honest, most fantastic. Haha... Okay not so much... But I think i did right quite an essay on the need for pennies. Definitely voicey but i'm not so sure about its literary merit. Oh well whether I pass or not, that three hour boring spree is over, and for that I am eternally grateful. No lie.
In the past, I have written of things of actual importance, but for the moment i am content to say virtually nothing in as many ways as possible. Speaking of nothing comes easy, what is hard is to speak of real things with both knowledge and empathy. Usually I am pretty good at the empathy, and I tend to think I am knowledgable, only to later realize that I am slightly misinformed. BUt still I find it necessary to stand up for what I think to be true, even after I begin to doubt. For example yesterday my friend becky and I seriously got into an argument over baby carrots. Yes, Baby carrots. How sad can it get right? I assured her that they were once large carrots which had been cut into smaller more perfect shapes, but she was sure that they were only picked early. and for once in my whole life, I was right. (I looked it up)Haha! I win! Unless becky happens to be reading this, in which case, becky you were right as always and I apologize for any confusion.
In addition to apologizing to beck, I now feel that it is necessary that I apologize to everyone who is now reading this blog trying futiley (if that's even a word... I meant in a futile fashion or something...) to make sense of all this insanity... If you once thought I was normal I hope I have not decreased your opinion of me in any way. I am crazy. But who isn't?

France... or not

A few weeks ago i heard about the opportunity of my life, and so so ready to grasp it, I called it mine and forged a beautiful, painful, one-sided bond. I want to go to paris so badly. So badly it almost could be considered painful, in a physical way, but not quite. See i have a chance to go be a nanny (Au pair if i'm feeling pompous) for nearly a year in paris, not texas but france, the real one. But I have not heard back in a difinitive fashion, and seriously i was dying inside. I am not by any stretch of the imagination a waiter, or a patient person. I want to go and i want to know now. But I don't. And yesterday in church i had an epiphany almost as painful as the not knowing. I care too much about this stupid little thing that for now seems so important. As great as it would be to go to paris, the point of life is not to do as many cool things as possible! This came as quite a serious shock to me... Our purpose here is to return again to god, to be like him and to have an eternal family. My goals, then, should be based on that one imperative belief. I need to focus on becoming who i need to be, not doing what i merely want to do. I need to go to the places that will lead to my own eternal family. I am only 17 and so of course this will sound really lame, but I need to be going to the places that will lead to me finding the man i will want to marry. Yes I know that is overly mushy but who cares, I'm a girl... I can hardly help wanting a boy. The great eternal kind, someone who will love me forever as i am, and who i can return that eternal love to, never faltering. I don't need marraige tomorrow, next week, at the end of the summer, or even in a year... and lets face it, maybe not even five, but i need to be doing what i can to be in the places i need to be. So that some day in the more distant future I will be able to have what i want and more importantly, what i need. And after this brief epiphany my wait became weightless... totally kidding... I can still hardly handle the anticipation, but my intentions are better, and for now that is good enough for me.