France... or not

A few weeks ago i heard about the opportunity of my life, and so so ready to grasp it, I called it mine and forged a beautiful, painful, one-sided bond. I want to go to paris so badly. So badly it almost could be considered painful, in a physical way, but not quite. See i have a chance to go be a nanny (Au pair if i'm feeling pompous) for nearly a year in paris, not texas but france, the real one. But I have not heard back in a difinitive fashion, and seriously i was dying inside. I am not by any stretch of the imagination a waiter, or a patient person. I want to go and i want to know now. But I don't. And yesterday in church i had an epiphany almost as painful as the not knowing. I care too much about this stupid little thing that for now seems so important. As great as it would be to go to paris, the point of life is not to do as many cool things as possible! This came as quite a serious shock to me... Our purpose here is to return again to god, to be like him and to have an eternal family. My goals, then, should be based on that one imperative belief. I need to focus on becoming who i need to be, not doing what i merely want to do. I need to go to the places that will lead to my own eternal family. I am only 17 and so of course this will sound really lame, but I need to be going to the places that will lead to me finding the man i will want to marry. Yes I know that is overly mushy but who cares, I'm a girl... I can hardly help wanting a boy. The great eternal kind, someone who will love me forever as i am, and who i can return that eternal love to, never faltering. I don't need marraige tomorrow, next week, at the end of the summer, or even in a year... and lets face it, maybe not even five, but i need to be doing what i can to be in the places i need to be. So that some day in the more distant future I will be able to have what i want and more importantly, what i need. And after this brief epiphany my wait became weightless... totally kidding... I can still hardly handle the anticipation, but my intentions are better, and for now that is good enough for me.

Friends

i've written about friends before, i know i have, but my view has changed a little. See the things is that i have tried my whole life to never hurt anyone, especially people who i am closest to, and it seems i have failed, even with that as my ultimate goal. In trying to save my best friend from pain i hurt her, and i don't know what i am to her anymore. Hopefully i remain her best friend, but i have my doubts. Of course like most hurtful stories, it is, about a boy. I never would have guessed that some stupid boy and my stupid desire to help would cause a break if not forever, even just for now. ugh... see i hardly even want to talk about it, but of course i really do, otherwise i wouldn't even try. I kept something from her trying to protect her and when i finally told her, she was angry that i had waited so long. I don't like hurting people or telling things that aren't mine to tell but i know that this time i made the wrong choice. I wish i would have told her in the beginning, that would have solved a lot of problems, but in my mind i was doing the right thing so i stuck with it. Anyways, that part is over now. She ignored me for a bit and then we talked it out and made it okay. What made it especially hard though is that at the same time that all this was happening she was also getting to be close to this other girl, which is great, but it was hard to tell if she was avoiding me and our best friends or if she was just trying to spend time with her other friend. so the whole point of this all is that friends are the most amazing and the most confusing things in the world, and it is hard when things change. It's not that the change has been bad, she's still my best friend, but it's different, and takes adjustment. I'm okay with how things are but i hope they return to normal. I love my friends, they are everything to me, and i will do whatever i can to make things okay for all of them.

How to save a life

The lesson I am trying to learn is how to save a person who will not allow theirself to be saved. I try to save the world neglecting myself while my friends try to remind me to save me. It is hard for me to see the importance of my own life if I cannot stop a person I care about from taking his own. My friends say that now I need to worry about me more than anyone else, and I'm trying but I find it hard to care. The Fray's song has one line that says exactly what my friends do for me "And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life," the difference being of course that they did know, and they did save my life. Still as much as I want to do right by them after what they have done for me I cannot forget about the others it seems I need to save. I feel like I am responsible for the lives of those around me, when they make a stupid decision, it is my fault. Sometimes I look at my life and can see only the failure, the sin, and the imperfection. The people around me are trying to show me who I am to them but it can be so hard to see. It is hard to believe I am good when I screw up so often, when so much goes wrong. So instead of thinking about me and my insufficiencies i think about other people and how I can save them. It is hard though when they wont listen when they wont believe that I care, because I do, so much. Sometimes my caring is lost, when a person will not talk to me and though I know it is not my fault, I cannot help but believe that I should have been trying harder. Maybe if I had just chosen the right words they would have opened up. Now when he talks to me his voice is dead and toneless his words express how little he cares and it scares me. I think to myself, "what did I do wrong." I tell myself that I can do this, that I can help him, but in the back of my mind lies the thought "what happens if I can't?" And really I don't know. I am trying to better myself, to become happy so that everyone else can stop worrying. I will fix this, I have to.

People Care

sometimes the easiest thing to remember is the feeling of loneliness, and it seems as though no one could possibly care about you, because you are so small and insignificant. And then you find out that they do. This past monday, I had something of an interesting experience that reminded me that people cared. See I knew all along that people cared about me, but I didn't want them to have to be in a postion to prove it. See monday I was watching a late movie after work, we started it at like one o'clock and by around 2 thirty I was starting to feel really sick. My body was shaking and I felt like throwing up. I didn't want to leave because sitting next to me was my best friend, and her boyfriend who is my friend also but things are a little complicated. You see I like the kid, and my best friend knows but we are trying to find away to both be happy. I wanted to seem strong, I wanted to be strong. Awhile ago I told her that she should go out with him no matter how she thinks it makes me feel and I think I was right. No, I know I was right. We shouldn't both be unhappy when one of us has a chance at something amazing. So anyways, when I was beginning to think I was going to vomit all over the floor I got up and left, shaking like crazy. I went to the main bathrooms of the movies theatre but the janitors were in there so I had to go to the other bathroom. I went in the stall but I couldn't throw up and i just leaned against the side for a minute trying to remember how to breathe, until I couldn't stay anymore and I knew I had to go home. So I went to tell Aubree. I got up there and told her that I was going home and she asked if I was okay. Of course I said yes because that is just what you say to a question like that, and I told her that I just didn't feel very well. Then I walked down the theatre steps and started towards the exit, but she came up behind me and gave me a hug. Weirdly before it comforted me, it scared me like a million times worse than anything had ever scared me before. Then i kind of broke down. I was shaking so badly that Aubree had to help me sit down and remind me to breathe like a normal person. I remember that she kept asking me if I needed jarom to drive my car home, but I didn't know. Finally I said yes, and I am so glad that I did because if I hadn't I would not have made it home. So she helped me out to her car and Jarom went to mine. She drove me home. I was shaking so badly, I had never felt so out of control in my life, my body was shaking and I could not stop it no matter how hard I gripped the car. Aubree noticed of course and she was asking me if I was cold or if I was just shaking but I couldn't tell her, I didn't know. We passed a sprinkler and the water came in through the window hitting me and scaring me. I was confused at first about what it had been but I got over it. I could see that Aubree was scared and as sick as I felt it was worse knowing that I was scaring her. then we were at my house and she came around to open my door for me but I couldn't get out anyways. I felt so weak and so worthless and I knew that both she and Jarom cared about me. I also knew by the way she was trying to get me out of the car that she was going to break down and that she didn't want me to see it. I stood up, but that was as far as I could make it. I leaned against her car just bawling and knowing that she wanted me to be okay. And then Jarom came over and he asked me what was wrong, and I couldn't explain, I couldn't even explain to myself. They helped me into my house and they didn't leave until they knew that I was going to be okay. They really cared about me and it made me want to cry. I had never really seen Aubree cry before, and now I had and it was because of me. She was leaving for camp later that morning and i could not let her leave worrying about me. I made myself call her and tell her that I was okay even though I wasn't sure that it was true yet. All week I felt guilty knowing that I had made her cry, even though I knew it wasn't my fault, I felt worse about that than I was worried about what was happening to me. That night they saved my life, Aubree and Jarom, and I don't know if I can ever thank them enough. If I had tried to drive home, I would have never made it. It was amazing to see how much they could care, about me.

Wreck of the day/ Paper Bag

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up.
On love, On love
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cuz love doesnt hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces
And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love



She don't run from the sun no more
She boxed her shadow and she won
Said I can see you laugh
Through these bottle caps
And this wire around my neck ain't
There for fun

But someday we'll all be old
And I'll be so damn beautiful
Meanwhile I'll hide my head
Here in this paper bag
Cause if I cant see you
Then you can't see me
And it'll be okay
Fly little bee away
To where theres no more rain
And I can be me

Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like shes so tough
She says
"hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough"

But someday we'll all be old
And I'll be so damn beautiful

Meanwhile I'll hide my head
Here in this paper bag
Cause if I can't see you
Then you can't see me
And it'll be okay
Fly little bee away
To where theres no more rain
And I can be me

Some days I wade in the indigo
Singing that song on the radio
I blame these puddles on the rain
You know I gotta keep these cheeks dry today
Gotta keep my cheating strategy
And baby I'm gonna have it made.

But someday we'll all be old
And I'll be so damn beautiful

Meanwhile I'll hide my head
Here in this paper bag
Cause if I can't see you
Then you can't see me
And it'll be okay
Fly little bee away
To where there's no more rain
And I can be me


It's funny how sometimes music can describe exactly how you feel, even when you wish it wouldn't. These songs did that for me and, I don't know if I can ever listen to anything else again. The second verse of Wreck of the Day described how I was feeling exactly this past week. It couldn't be love, I was falling apart, it hurt too much and I was ready to give up. I really was. And when that song came on I was near a breaking point and I did my best to not cry while driving down the road. Especially that verse and the two lines: Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love, All my resistance will never be distance enough. I was so ready to just believe that it wasn't for me that I wasn't good enough, or pretty enough, or anything enough. But then the next song came on and it was so perfect and it made me stronger. I love the second verse in this one too, where she sings about the broken heart and how she pretends to be strong and okay when she isn't and it is so hard. And then it goes into the chorus saying that some day she is going to be so beautiful, everything will be okay, and she will be able to be herself. Last of all there is the part about the puddles and the cheeks, it's very descriptive of me and I admit it. So I know I will get over it, its hard but I can do it. Sometimes I believe my tears are a sign of weakness, but I know that they are just my reaction and they don't make me any weaker or stronger than anyone else.

HMMM

I am a confused mass of emotion and thought. I am always thinking and always feeling. I am like a crazy emotional thought machine that cannot be turned off. No matter what I am doing, my thoughts are running wild. I think about books and science and art and boys and work and friends and my family. Even when I am asleep I am thinking I remember atleast one dream almost every night. They vary, there is an occasional dream that makes me never want to sleep again and then there are those ones I hold onto so tightly because I do not want to lose them, they are so perfect. And then, there are weird ones. Being a thinker can sometimes get me into trouble, I think of amazing ideas that are almost genious until they are ruined by minor "realities". My ideas sometimes lead to the laughter of my friends for years after the actual event. I am also a very literal thinker, like if someone were to perhaps tell me to look under something for scissors, I would probably lift it up and look under instead of checking the cupboard underneath, actually believing that they will be there. I will never live that one down.
Besides the thinking I also mentioned feeling, I am a laugher, and unfortunately a crier. When things are hard or I am tired or in pain, or I am just overly confused I cry. It is the way I deal with things though I wish it wasn't. I wish I sould deal with them by carefully thinking them over and coming to an intellectual conclusion within minutes. Instead, my face crumples, my eyes fill, unidentifiable noises exit my mouth, and I gain an excellent spotchy complexion. That is one thing I do not really like about myself, I cry easily and often although luckily it is usually more of a quiet streaming tear type of things. It is not just my own pain I cry for, I don't like for other people to need to cry so... obviously I join them. I do not like that other people need to feel bad ever, I want them to always be okay, and they can't be. But I do also laugh, sometimes this is an innoportune habit but it is more enjoyable experience. I really like those times when I make other people laugh however few they may be. Mostly when people laugh at me it is because I have done something stupid, but sometimes I am actuallly funny, and I like to see other people laugh.
In my mind everything is overemphasized, and everything has massive importance. I cannot make it through the day without thinking about some strange pattern that no one else can see, or analyzing the importance of the rain formation on my window ( is it picasso or monet.) I think now that I have thouroughlly explained the oddity which is my mind I should shut up before you think I'm crazy (for definition check blog titled "crazy"). So anyways i'm going to skeedadle. BYE!

Girls Camp

I did not want to go to girls camp this year, last year had been a little... less than perfect and I didn't want to repeat the experience. You see, last year I kind of lost my best friend at girls camp, no big fight, no argument just "best-friendship," ended. It was funny (Ironic funny, not silly funny) because we had been drifting apart all year and I just didn't want to see it, and she didn't seem to care. Midway through camp she just left my cabin, and that was it. I had two amazing best friends back at home already, but I wanted this one, atleast at camp. So this year I stalled packing and I tried to think of good ways to get out of it, like getting hit by a car... without serious injury of course, or maybe a sudden case of the flue or something... anything. But on sunday I talked to some of my friends in my ward, pretending to be just as excited as they were and deciding that I had to go, even if I didn't want to, just to be with them. So I went.
Tuesday morning I woke up at nine o'clock hoping to get the last two episodes of season 2 of charmed in before going to camp. Ten minutes before the season finale of charmed was over Ashley Boice came to my door to pick me up, so I left, stuff and all, my mind still dwelling on the events in the oh-so-important episode of charmed as we headed for the stake center (due to my own excellent sense of direction.) As we loaded the bus I have to admit, my excitement built. Mia Shalom is definately on my list of the most beautiful places in the world, It's gorgeous, and I love it. That first afternoon it was fairly warm, windy but livable. We went to flag, performed our skits, and went to our cabins to perform our nightly rituals, story time with Sarah Christensen, and scripure reading with our individual cabins, you know the usual stuff. Then we went to sleep, alright so maybe sleep is exageration, I went into a state of constant waking up for about 6 hours.
The next morning when I first decided to glance out the window I witnessed an amazing sight... snow, which turned out to be a perpetual event for the next two days. So after my group [the rainbow dinosaurs (don't think too hard aubree)] made breakfast we retreated to the cabin for, seriously almost the rest of the day. Stuck inside the cabin I got to know the leaders and girls better than I ever dreamed was possible, and it was amazing. I watched as Ashley, a leaderr that I had never really known particularly well, became a friend and an amazing example, even as she danced around in her long johns putting on actual pants only to use the restrooms... interesting concept, eh? Laura Talbert, Sarah Monson, Abby Millard, all those other monson girls, and every single girl and leader at camp this year, they became friends, most of them already were, but now I knew them.
Wednesday the leaders brought dinner in, to us in the cabins, so we would not have to venture into the 20 degree weather. Now I need to explain what we loosely describe as cabins, they are small A-frame structures with holes big enough to see light and feel wind through, with the temperature of 20 outside the cabins were at a warm 41 so don't get excited thinking of our heated rooms with running wateer and clawfooted bath tubs. So wednesday night we were ready to go home and we thought we might be able to. Kirsten Little our camp director drove down the mountain on icy roads to make a phone call as Ashley gave us a much needed lesson on the importance of courage and we did our hair with pipe cleaners. When Kirsten came back we were all releived to see her safe and she told us that we were going to stick it out, and with our new found courage we cheered.
The next morning was about a million times more freezing and we began to decide who we would eat first if we had to go donner party. Our leaders came up saying that we were going home, and that it was time for us to pack up our stuff two days early. It was a bitter sweet moment, and we got packed up quickly. Then just as we had put the tie on the last sleeping bag we found out that we had to stay, and it was too much. I went into breakdown mode, I had wanted to stay, but I do not like to feel played with, and I did. I didn't eat much for lunch and I kind of sat around crying for awhile. My mom and I had talked to the stake leaders and I felt llike they ad taken the brunt of the blame, so I decided that they needed to feel our love. I thought we should write them a letter, and we did. When I went to the stake cabin with Brittany to drop it off, we found them sledding down a hill in garbage bags, and I decide that that was how I wanted to be: positive in a hard situation. So I joined them, breaking every rule available but finally I was happy.
The bishopbric came up that night with reinforcements in the form of extra sleeping bags, coats, hats gloves and hand warmers. Testimony meeting began in clearer weather with a lot of the ice actually melted. And the tomorrow promised to be beautiful, and it had better have been because it was to be my last day, and I wanted it to be amazing. At this point I almost wanted to stay at camp forever.
Friday was beautiful, and i did not want to go home at all, the only reason I could go home early was to take the ACT and I was not exactly looking forward to it so... anyways. But reinforced with dried mangos and all packed up I left for home, and the boredom TV had waiting for me. The charmed episode did not seem nearly as important although that didn't stop me from finishing it after a hot shower. So that was camp it was amazing and I am so glad I went.