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Thoughts of an early morn

As I write this post, I am merely amazed at my general state of alertness at such an hour. It is only 7 o'clock, but I have been awake for 4 hours, which is a good hour longer than I was able to sleep last night.  Lucky for me, I have superhuman strength, so sleep is merely a nice thing to do with my time, but ever so far from a necessary one.  Yeah, right. At a time like this, there is nothing to do but be grateful. And I am grateful.

Things I am grateful for:

Sub-list, People
 My family- I have a good, weird, crazy, funny family. That's always good.

My roommates- Okay, so my roommates are the best. So the best that I need to give them each a couple words:
Bomi and Diana- The two newest of my roommates, they are the best, sweetest girls I have ever been lucky enough to encounter.
Kendra- I haven't known Kendra too long, but she kills me, one of the funniest people I know.
Hannah- She's totally the best.  We spend our days speaking in accents and leaning left together, also watching movies, and just generally being the coolest people. ever.
Alicia- We are roommates in the roommatiest of ways, sharing the very room in which we sleep.  She can always make me laugh, and is extremely kind.
I seriously love them all.

My friends-  I am grateful for the friends I have known forever and the friends I am just getting to know.  For the friends it feels like I've known forever, when time has really been quite short, and the friends who are probably quite tired of me.  I am grateful for my friends who are dogs, and ducks, and polar bears I have only actually seen in pictures because the one at the hogle zoo ate a latex glove, and the ending of that story was not so pleasant. Anyway, I have the best friends.

Sublist, Material Possessions

I fancy being a minimalist, but when I am perfectly honest, I have some stuff that I really love. For example:

My bike. I am in love with my bike.
My various electronic devices.
My blankets. I am obsessed with blankets.
My clothes. I appreciate not having to be publicly naked.
My pump/tube. It keeps me alive, and I'm a fan of that.
My MANY pens.
My fancy new camera.

Non-tangibles

There are some things that I have that I cannot touch or hold, but that I still love.

My faith.  This is something that I do not often express gratitude for, but I am grateful for my faith, and the hope it grants me.
Music.
My mind.  Sometimes, my body fails me, but I can be killer smart when I need to be.
 The fact that Christmas is coming. Soon.

Yeah... so those are some things that I am grateful for and that have been occupying my mind in the early hours recently.  I could probably go on forever, just listing things that I am lucky to have, but instead, I'll stop here for now. Until next time, I suppose.

On Being Lucky

I've been thinking a lot lately of what it means to be lucky.  About three weeks ago I was in a basically terrible accident with little to no injuries. There was high speeds, going on to the barrier, and rolling and rolling. It was scary, and I have developed somewhat of a fear of slow-moving trucks and lane changes. I also experience neck pain, and quite a bit of it. On the other hand, I have no broken bones, no internal injuries, and no being dead. So that's good.
I consider myself quite lucky. Part one of luck is most certainly a blessing, I am blessed.  Part two of luck is understanding, understanding that luck isn't the lack of bad things happening, but instead the ability to be happy anyway. Part three of luck is action, this means that luck involves active choice making—I choose to see this as something that happened, and something to move past— this choice is not easy, and I struggle with it, but I'm trying.
Unrelated to luck, I have this struggle with impossibilities and limitations. I don't like that they exist, and I tend to ignore them. Sometimes this is good and helps me accomplish great things. And sometimes it is bad and helps me be so tired that I can hardly breathe.  But I figure, if I am to be alive, I may as well be living.

Cathleen Kelly

I like to fall asleep to movies, so, right now, as I type, Cathleen Kelly is concurrently typing a love letter to one Joe Fox—a man I have loved since I was 11 years old.  Also happening right now, a pump is pushing my formula (affectionately named "vanilla" by my roommate, Alicia) into my body. Yay hooray! The only problem is that with every drop of vanilla that enters my body, the feeding attachment gets pushed farther out, and within five minutes my pump would be pumping precious drops of vanilla all over me and my bed instead of into my intestines where it belongs. I should probably talk to someone about this... I think there's a pinch or something. Now, Joe Fox is proclaiming the end of the world, and Cathleen is smelling scotch tape, and I am icing my shoulder, which I hurt bowling and is kind of getting worse.  Sorry that this post is becoming kind of stream of consciousness... I'm distracted.
Recently I've been eating too much food. See, it sounds good and it looks good, and it smells good. So I eat it. And then I'm sick. For hours. And I think to myself, I should never do that again, but then I do.  So now I am writing this post so I will have a sense of responsibility accompanying my words. I need to significantly decrease my food eating, maybe like once a week or something... But I need help, mostly because I forget and because food is so social. Maybe you all could help me? I think if I get myself a good supply of gum, hard candy, and Popsicles, I'll be able to stop the eating.  I'm also thinking ill try to drink water. So far it fails, but maybe I can retrain my body to accept it.
Sometimes I get really frustrated and think to myself, "why is this my life?" And not in a happy way. But then, I'll have a good conversation or watch a good movie (Tall. Decaf. Cappuccino.) or I dunno, do something fun, and then I remember that I have THE BEST friends, I live with some of the greatest people I have ever encountered, I have an excellent job, and my life is overall pretty great.
And so as I watch Frank describe Cathleen as a lone reed, and Cathleen thinking about her small but valuable life, I am thinking about my own life.  Sometimes I feel alone and afraid, and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I wonder if I have anything to offer. And sometimes I wonder if I love you've got mail because I am like Cathleen Kelly, or if I am like Cathleen Kelly because I love the movie. It doesn't really matter in the end though.  I think we are all sometimes afraid, and perhaps we even all sometimes feel insignificant, I think we all might even wonder why we are who we are, it's part of being human. And I think I'm learning to accept it.

I am Corinne Jordan Bauer.  I am smart and brave and strong. Sometimes, I am afraid. I love school supplies and plain white daisies with yellow centers; books and the smell of coffee.  I try to be kind, and sometimes don't defend myself, but I have the power to make people laugh, and the empathy to cry when they cry. I'm learning to forgive. I am different and sometimes awkward, and because of this, I have something unique to offer to the world. And I am surrounded by people who constantly amaze me. They put me to shame, yet still want to be around me, so I must be doing something right. When I really think about it, I'm pretty lucky.

Future Accomplishments

So, I have been thinking a lot about the things I want to accomplish in my life, and decided to write a bucket list of sorts.  I don't know if mine fits the exact constraints of bucket lists in general, but, it works for me.  Some of the things will be difficult, while others are simple, and perhaps unimportant, nevertheless, they mean something to me.  Life is so full of opportunity, I'm ready to seize them! Here is my list, I'd be interested to hear others' bucket lists, and suggestions for mine!

Bucket List
Learn to surf       Go to second city      Have some crazy color of hair      Have a 1920's themed party
Live in New York.      Travel all across Europe      Visit Boston   Star in a musical
Duet with someone awesome   Make a soufflé    Speak Korean (well)    Open macaroni restaurant
 Read all of dickens   Zip line through a jungle   Swim with sharks   Do a half ironman
Go to every national park in the USA   Be published   Do comedy for my job
Meet Tina fey (and be best friends, of course)    Live near a beach   Volunteer in Africa
Go somewhere new every year   Be toned   Swim all the time   Write daily
Be okay with success and failure   Have a conversation with David sedaris
 Own blue converse high tops   Make croissants aux chocolat    Get a black belt
Have a piece of art in a gallery   Own a piece of art that I love   Go back to Mexico
Design and make a dress   Write something that changes the world
Stand up for those who need my help   Write and perform a song   Play the banjo   Be in a band
Go to a bluegrass festival   Present at a conference    Watch a sunrise   Own a motorcycle
Snowboard   Go to culinary school   Discover something new   Eat crepes in France
Build a sand sculpture   Finish an altered book   Go to grad school

A thing I learned today

So last night my fancy tube fell out of my abdomen... lame. It's been happening quite frequently and it is a little annoying. anyway, on this occasion, I could not get it back in. So that was a little dumb and led to a trip to my favorite land, the ER! Yay hooray! Actually, it wasn't too bad, until the part where they put a new, temporary, unusable tube in.  That was slightly on the painful side.  Like tears falling kinda painful. That part sucked. And then I couldn't sleep basically all night, so that was dumb too, although I did watch Charly, The Incredibles, Mulan, and Never Been Kissed, so that part was kind of good.
Anyway, the ER peeps were supposed to schedule me to meet with the radiologists and get a real one put in, and that didn't actually happen. So I spent an hour and a half calling people to get the appointment scheduled. (This is the part where you should be really proud of me, because I really dislike making phone calls... you know, the bureaucracy of it all). Anyway, I did it and got an appointment for 2 o'clock, when I came in, courtesy of my friends Chelsea and Aubree.  Anyway, at the radiologist's, I got some killer scrubs and a gown on, and they got to work.  At first, it was actually kind of fun, there was good music on and I was like joking with the radiologists and it was really cool.  But then they started actually working on me, and I got quiet, and less funny, which is a downer, because I am a riot. Seriously.
Anyway, this was a slightly painful process that got more painful as time went on, and when it was over, I was really hurting. As I got off the table and headed back to my room, I got really cold and then hot and sick to my stomach. Really sick. I was like throwing up (Sorry guys) and they gave me some zofran which I promptly threw up some more (sorry again). Still feeling sick, I finally went home and layed on my bed for like 2 hours during which I like couldn't get up, after that, I spent another couple of hours where I could basically only walk if I was like bent in half.  But then finally, I got to the point where I could (can) stand up and walk and everything (even if my stomach is making some CRAZY sounds).  Anyway, to the thing I learned: Sometimes, feeling decent, or even fairly sick, can feel like feeling spectacular, especially after feeling extremely shitty. So it's all a matter of perspective (and now you, as a reader of this blog, are gaining all kinds of new perspective on my potty mouth-- but seriously, crappy does not describe how I felt-- So I'm just going to assume that you are going to forgive me).   So now, tonight, I am sitting around feeling really spectacular and alive in sheer appreciation of the fact that I am no longer feeling like I am dying. Perspective rocks my socks off.  Life is good, even if it's hard, I love it. Usually.
Anyway, I think I shall try to incorporate this sense of  perspective into the remainder of my life without having to feel like the dying thing is on its way.  And it turns out that I say "anyways" A LOT. Sorry about that... and pleasant days to you.

My life

I don't know what I want to do with my life, at least not exactly, not precisely. I want to do something amazing, I want to help people, and I want to be remembered. I don't know how I will do this, but I know I will do it. I want future generations of people to look back at my life and to say, she was kind to people, she made them laugh, she was smart, she made a difference. I want there to be individuals whose lives are better because I am a part of them. That's really what I want.
I worry sometimes that I say the wrong things, because I do. I'm worried that I've hurt people, and I know I have. And I'm really sorry for it. I worry that some people have cried, and will cry because of me. I hurt for that. But I hope I can do enough good to make up for it.
I also worry that my capacity to do good is hindered by the same thing that hinders my capacity to eat food. But I don't actually think that's a thing.  I think that everyone can do good, no matter what their physical situation; If they want to.
I signed up for this stupid ass support group the other day. I thought maybe it would be cool to have other people to talk to, who understand what I'm going through. But, it turns out, it's mostly a forum for complaints, which is cool I guess, but I'm not really interested in hearing how hard life with gp is. I know how hard it is.  What I want to hear about is cool marathon runners and singers and astronauts with gastroparesis. That's support. Maybe I'll just have to do those amazing things and start my own group, where people can be inspired and empowered, rather than brought down by complaints. Not that complaining doesn't have its place, we all need a good vent from time to time. But I want people to feel like they can do hard things, not like things are too hard for them to do. I'm just pretty sure that support groups shouldn't be depressing.
I want everyone to just love each other, which is silly and naive, and maybe even stupid. But it would be amazing.

This World

I've been thinking about the world. Sometimes it makes me extremely happy and sometimes it makes me extremely sad.  I saw Star Trek last week and it was Amazing (or at least I thought so) but during the movie, a police officer came in two times to check the door.  This occurred because of the shooting at the opening of batman last summer.  It made me extremely sad, and as the violence of the film hit the screen, I found myself feeling even more sad.  Violence, is not this pretend thing that happens only on screen. We live in a world in which people hurt other people. And this hurts my heart in a serious way.
On a smaller scale, individuals have the potential to lift, or hurt one another.  This potential, in the positive light, is beautiful and amazing.  I am so lucky to have the people in my life who have lifted me when I have been sinking, and I hope to help lift others in return.  But the potential to hurt is something I am increasingly aware of.  It is a potential that I hope to avoid at all costs.
Lately as I have been thinking about the past year and a half or so, the time I would have been on my mission, I have been feeling fairly sad.  Feelings of guilt and shame have been flooding me especially in the past week or so.  I know with my brain that these feelings are unwarranted but with my heart I find myself unsure, especially when I look at the contributions that my friends, fellow missionaries, sisters, were able to make. Sometimes as I look at my contribution it seems like a complete lack. I served in Korea for only two weeks before being sent home, I did very little teaching and my skills in the Korean language are little to none. It sometimes feels as if I have nothing to show for my time. Nothing, except a feeding tube. I know that I would not have been able to serve as a missionary. I know that I did what I was meant to do. But that doesn't stop me from wishing for what I could have had.
I live with two of my friends from the MTC now, and they are the best. Seriously, I have the coolest friends. I am so grateful for the time I had in the MTC to meet these girls, I am so lucky and blessed (for some reason I hate saying blessed, but there you have it). Anyway, life is mostly pretty good and, for that, I am exceedingly grateful.
A couple of weeks ago I decided to try some eating, so me and my roommates ordered some pizza. I ate and as per usual, I got fairly sick. For some reason on this particular night it really upset me. I went out that night and ran as fast and as long as I could before I returned to my apartment feeling somewhat better. The next day was pretty good, I fixed my bike and rode it to meet my friend for a movie. On the way back home I found myself with a flat tire and began to  walk back home with my bike. A friend had called and I was trying to buzz back to meet her but I was not quite fast enough. Anyway, while I was walking, I passed a homeless man on a bench with a grocery cart of belongings, he was smoking and talking to himself. I started crying right there on the street. Just the night before, I had been crying in my sweet apartment about the pizza I bought, while this guy was stuck without a home. It was something of a reality check, and one of those times where it seemed like everything would be different from then on.
Much like Levin in Anna Karenina, I was sadly mistaken. The next day I was sad again. But my roommate helped me feel much better that night. And again, like Levin, I had a realization. Epiphanies rarely result in immediate and complete change. Change is work. Sometimes I will be disappointed and angry and upset. The choice to look on the bright side and to keep perspective, is one that I must personally make over and over. But I can do it.
Things get hard and crazy and unfair, but I have the power to choose, even when it sucks.  So that's kind of what I'm working on. Wish me luck.

Sometimes I write things

Orion

Alone
in the night,
I look to the stars.
I hope to see him,
And for half the year,
He is there.
His belt and his bow
Remind me I am not alone.

Each star
Makes a dot
Connecting to dot with lines
Invisible.
With the cold and the wind,
I shiver,
But I take a deep breath,
That I might stay.

Sometimes,
I am afraid.
Afraid to be alone.
Afraid to cry.
Afraid even to sing.
But seeing him,
I remember that I am not,
Can never be— alone.

Stuff

A lot has been going on with me recently. I had my j-tube inserted which was pretty intense, it left me in the hospital for about 6 days and home from school for an additional week- in other words, it was basically a party! I learned a really cool thing though, in about 6 weeks, my body will have adapted to the tube and will create a track from the hole on my abdomen to the corresponding hole in my intestine, this allowing for this tube to be simply pulled out and replaced without needing additional surgery.  I am amazed by the capacity of the human body to adapt, and I think the same can be said of the human spirit. 

Everyday, as human beings, we are faced with thee heart wrenching, the beautiful, the interesting, the boring, and the terrible; yet, each following day, we get up again.  That is amazing. Seriously.  I am so impressed by all the people around me, facing things I myself could not face. And helping me to face the things I must.

This, brings me to my next point: I have really amazing friends, and lots of them.  If you are reading this blog, chances are, you are my friend. And you are most certainly amazing.  The support I feel is overwhelming (can a thing be merely whelming? I'd like to feel whelmed). Anyway, the important thing is that surrounded by the human experience, I find myself amazed that I am lucky enough to merit the friendship and support of so many, though the face so many problems of their own. Thank you.

J-tube

So, this feeding tube on my face has been getting a wee bit annoying... And when I met with my doctor on Wednesday, he suggested having a jejunostomy tube inserted.  So, a week from Monday I will meet with a surgeon to discuss the insertion of just such a tube.  Hopefully it will be inserted over spring break so I won't have to miss any school.  It's not the ideal situation, but it does have major benefits such as, not being on my face, not being down my throat or pushing awkwardly on my uvula, and it is swimmable, which is kind of sweet.  Once it's inserted, I'm thinking of looking at my alternative medicine options since the regular doctor stuff seems to have run out,  it's a party peeps.

What to Do With My Life

I think all the time about what it is that I want to do with my life. I feel like I want to do something amazing in whichever field I decide to go into.  The problem is, I can't decide what field to go into. I will now elaborate on things that I love (They are in no particular order):

1.  I love to sing. I love it.  I love being in front of people, performing.  Seriously, it's sweet. And, I'm even pretty good at it.

2. I love to laugh, and to make others laugh... I super dig it. Almost nothing can make me as happy as making someone laugh.

3. I love learning stuff and talking about things that I learn.  It's awesome.

Those are three of the things that I really love a lot.  I would love to be able to do those three things professionally. Be funny, Sing stuff, and learn stuff to talk about.  I have always had secret and not so secret dreams of fame.  I want my name to be known.  I know its silly and maybe a little impossible.  But I really like it.  And I really want to go for it.  Good thing I am absolutely gorgeous. 

Paradigm Shift

In my 11th grade honors English class, I learned about paradigm shifts. Or at least I learned the term for it, though I am sure I had experienced many such shifts in my life. The most important thing I learned though, was to embrace paradigm shifts as they came. Even to seek them out. I believe this to be one of the most important things I have ever learned.
 Recently, it seems that my paradigms shift more often than not. Every day I am faced with experiences that change the way I see the world, the way see others, and the way I see myself. With these shifts I find myself asking more and more questions of myself. I am forced to wonder what it is I believe and how it is I came to believe. And sometimes the answers bother me, because sometimes, I just don't know. This is not me suffering a crisis of faith so much as me searching for ways to maintain and expand belief.
 My life has been a bit crazy as of late, what, with tubes and all. And though this sucks in a somewhat major kind of fashion, it has really changed the way I think and feel about myself, and others really. First on the me side: for some reason having a tube has inspired a new sort of confidence in me. At first, I was exceedingly self-conscious, and that side certainly shows its face from time to time, but for the most part I feel pretty good. I have learned to embrace the tube, to use it as a means for laughter. I mean, I have it, so why not? Tubes can be pretty funny. Now, on the others side: I have learned that for the most part, people are good. They are curious and uncertain and even a little self-conscious themselves. Some of them get real awkward about the tube, some ignore it, and some just straight up ask me about it. I like the last of these. I prefer questions to staring eyes and words of comfort given before even bothering to find out what is wrong. Though, comfort is a fair, and sweet response.
 Another thing I've been thinking about is coolness. I haven't been one to ever really worry about what other people think is cool, or really, at all. I mean, I care to hear people's thoughts, because I think everyone has something to offer, but I don't really think that I need to live to anyone else's standards. Nor does anyone else need to live to mine. Although I've always sort of felt this way, I'm only recently starting to truly embrace it. Life is too short to let anyone else decide who I am. And I mean really, I'm pretty cool, fairly gorgeous, and damn funny (pardon the language peeps, it's just honesty). Things have turned out pretty well for me. I am good at throwing together decent outfits, decent meals, and making friends with amazing people pretty easily. The last of these is something I only recently realized. And I like it. I like me. I'm turning over a new leaf, a me-er leaf. Take it or leave it, but it's what I'm doing.
 Aside from being way cool, I am also super nerdy. I feel this adds to my coolness, and my reasoning is solid. I am excited over language theory, I mean, who is excited about that? Only the cool kids (kid?). I am learning that I have original and interesting ideas and that I can participate in the academic conversations with the big brains, that's cool. It's exciting learning what I can contribute. Everyone has something, it's all about finding it. And back to being cool, I think that's how you do it. Stop worrying about what other people think, and start finding what you love. That's cool.
And here's the payoff: I want to find the cool in other people. I want to learn to accept, and maybe even love, the things that make individuals individual. That's a thing that I've always been pretty good at, I like almost everyone, but now I want to make it more of a priority.
I'm afraid this post may have made me appear exceedingly cocky, and that is not what I intended. We're all pretty cool. Seriously, check yourself out.

New Year's Resolution

I have never really had a new year's resolution before, it's just not a thing that I've done, but this year I have decided to try it out. As far as resolutions go, I'm not sure mine exactly fits the mold, but screw the mold, I have a tube. I have decided that this year I am going to work on my relationships. I want to expand and improve the relationships that matter, the ones that improve my life, that are productive and mutually beneficial; and I want to either improve, or remove myself from relationships that are destructive. This resolution will integrate many aspects of my life, and require a great deal of change. I need to change the way I think about relationships. I need to work on the things that I can actually control, and accept the things that I cannot. This, I think is a big task for just a year, but I'd like to try.

Confidence

Sometimes I get these sudden, unexplainable feelings of absolute confidence. This time, it was after finishing the first day of school, tube up my nose and all. I didn't cry, i didn't die, I didn't even fall on my face, and you know what? I even made friends. A couple of them even called me a champion. Now that, is quite an exaggeration, but I certainly didn't correct them. I'll take every compliment I can get, so, you know, feel free. Anyway, after this day, I'm feeling pretty confident. I can do anything. Anything, except eat. But who needs that anyway. For now, I am listening to Ella and Louis, and loving it. Isn't it a lovely day.

Eating food, and other things I've taken for granted

I went to the doctor yesterday expecting to have a fancy plan of fixing my body, and instead, I learned that I will have this tube for another 6 weeks and then most likely have a more permanent tube inserted. That was awesome news. The good part about a more permanent feeding tube is that I will not be on my face, which means that I can pretend to be perfectly normal if I want to. That could be pretty awesome. And there is of course a chance that my doctor will have a fancy plan by the next time I have an appointment, and that could be even more awesome. Dare I say even awesomer? All of this has made me think more about the things I have in my life that I am lucky to have. I have a family and many friends that love me; I can still go to school and work and have lots of fun, even if it wears me out just a bit; I have felt basically good about all the things that are happening; I have so many opportunities to learn and grow and just generally be awesome. I have much to be grateful for. And I am, very grateful. But, in addition to thinking about the things I am lucky for, I have also thought a lot about the things I am missing out on. Namely, eating food. I miss food. I miss chewing it, swallowing it, digesting it, cooking it, buying it, tasting it, and even overeating it. Food is good. And when I try to imagine my future without the eating of food as part of it, I kind of struggle to see it as being possible. I can't imagine me with my only little family, them all eating dinner, and me not. That just seems a little crazy. So... I'll just have to get better, and that is that.