A thing I learned today

So last night my fancy tube fell out of my abdomen... lame. It's been happening quite frequently and it is a little annoying. anyway, on this occasion, I could not get it back in. So that was a little dumb and led to a trip to my favorite land, the ER! Yay hooray! Actually, it wasn't too bad, until the part where they put a new, temporary, unusable tube in.  That was slightly on the painful side.  Like tears falling kinda painful. That part sucked. And then I couldn't sleep basically all night, so that was dumb too, although I did watch Charly, The Incredibles, Mulan, and Never Been Kissed, so that part was kind of good.
Anyway, the ER peeps were supposed to schedule me to meet with the radiologists and get a real one put in, and that didn't actually happen. So I spent an hour and a half calling people to get the appointment scheduled. (This is the part where you should be really proud of me, because I really dislike making phone calls... you know, the bureaucracy of it all). Anyway, I did it and got an appointment for 2 o'clock, when I came in, courtesy of my friends Chelsea and Aubree.  Anyway, at the radiologist's, I got some killer scrubs and a gown on, and they got to work.  At first, it was actually kind of fun, there was good music on and I was like joking with the radiologists and it was really cool.  But then they started actually working on me, and I got quiet, and less funny, which is a downer, because I am a riot. Seriously.
Anyway, this was a slightly painful process that got more painful as time went on, and when it was over, I was really hurting. As I got off the table and headed back to my room, I got really cold and then hot and sick to my stomach. Really sick. I was like throwing up (Sorry guys) and they gave me some zofran which I promptly threw up some more (sorry again). Still feeling sick, I finally went home and layed on my bed for like 2 hours during which I like couldn't get up, after that, I spent another couple of hours where I could basically only walk if I was like bent in half.  But then finally, I got to the point where I could (can) stand up and walk and everything (even if my stomach is making some CRAZY sounds).  Anyway, to the thing I learned: Sometimes, feeling decent, or even fairly sick, can feel like feeling spectacular, especially after feeling extremely shitty. So it's all a matter of perspective (and now you, as a reader of this blog, are gaining all kinds of new perspective on my potty mouth-- but seriously, crappy does not describe how I felt-- So I'm just going to assume that you are going to forgive me).   So now, tonight, I am sitting around feeling really spectacular and alive in sheer appreciation of the fact that I am no longer feeling like I am dying. Perspective rocks my socks off.  Life is good, even if it's hard, I love it. Usually.
Anyway, I think I shall try to incorporate this sense of  perspective into the remainder of my life without having to feel like the dying thing is on its way.  And it turns out that I say "anyways" A LOT. Sorry about that... and pleasant days to you.

My life

I don't know what I want to do with my life, at least not exactly, not precisely. I want to do something amazing, I want to help people, and I want to be remembered. I don't know how I will do this, but I know I will do it. I want future generations of people to look back at my life and to say, she was kind to people, she made them laugh, she was smart, she made a difference. I want there to be individuals whose lives are better because I am a part of them. That's really what I want.
I worry sometimes that I say the wrong things, because I do. I'm worried that I've hurt people, and I know I have. And I'm really sorry for it. I worry that some people have cried, and will cry because of me. I hurt for that. But I hope I can do enough good to make up for it.
I also worry that my capacity to do good is hindered by the same thing that hinders my capacity to eat food. But I don't actually think that's a thing.  I think that everyone can do good, no matter what their physical situation; If they want to.
I signed up for this stupid ass support group the other day. I thought maybe it would be cool to have other people to talk to, who understand what I'm going through. But, it turns out, it's mostly a forum for complaints, which is cool I guess, but I'm not really interested in hearing how hard life with gp is. I know how hard it is.  What I want to hear about is cool marathon runners and singers and astronauts with gastroparesis. That's support. Maybe I'll just have to do those amazing things and start my own group, where people can be inspired and empowered, rather than brought down by complaints. Not that complaining doesn't have its place, we all need a good vent from time to time. But I want people to feel like they can do hard things, not like things are too hard for them to do. I'm just pretty sure that support groups shouldn't be depressing.
I want everyone to just love each other, which is silly and naive, and maybe even stupid. But it would be amazing.

This World

I've been thinking about the world. Sometimes it makes me extremely happy and sometimes it makes me extremely sad.  I saw Star Trek last week and it was Amazing (or at least I thought so) but during the movie, a police officer came in two times to check the door.  This occurred because of the shooting at the opening of batman last summer.  It made me extremely sad, and as the violence of the film hit the screen, I found myself feeling even more sad.  Violence, is not this pretend thing that happens only on screen. We live in a world in which people hurt other people. And this hurts my heart in a serious way.
On a smaller scale, individuals have the potential to lift, or hurt one another.  This potential, in the positive light, is beautiful and amazing.  I am so lucky to have the people in my life who have lifted me when I have been sinking, and I hope to help lift others in return.  But the potential to hurt is something I am increasingly aware of.  It is a potential that I hope to avoid at all costs.
Lately as I have been thinking about the past year and a half or so, the time I would have been on my mission, I have been feeling fairly sad.  Feelings of guilt and shame have been flooding me especially in the past week or so.  I know with my brain that these feelings are unwarranted but with my heart I find myself unsure, especially when I look at the contributions that my friends, fellow missionaries, sisters, were able to make. Sometimes as I look at my contribution it seems like a complete lack. I served in Korea for only two weeks before being sent home, I did very little teaching and my skills in the Korean language are little to none. It sometimes feels as if I have nothing to show for my time. Nothing, except a feeding tube. I know that I would not have been able to serve as a missionary. I know that I did what I was meant to do. But that doesn't stop me from wishing for what I could have had.
I live with two of my friends from the MTC now, and they are the best. Seriously, I have the coolest friends. I am so grateful for the time I had in the MTC to meet these girls, I am so lucky and blessed (for some reason I hate saying blessed, but there you have it). Anyway, life is mostly pretty good and, for that, I am exceedingly grateful.
A couple of weeks ago I decided to try some eating, so me and my roommates ordered some pizza. I ate and as per usual, I got fairly sick. For some reason on this particular night it really upset me. I went out that night and ran as fast and as long as I could before I returned to my apartment feeling somewhat better. The next day was pretty good, I fixed my bike and rode it to meet my friend for a movie. On the way back home I found myself with a flat tire and began to  walk back home with my bike. A friend had called and I was trying to buzz back to meet her but I was not quite fast enough. Anyway, while I was walking, I passed a homeless man on a bench with a grocery cart of belongings, he was smoking and talking to himself. I started crying right there on the street. Just the night before, I had been crying in my sweet apartment about the pizza I bought, while this guy was stuck without a home. It was something of a reality check, and one of those times where it seemed like everything would be different from then on.
Much like Levin in Anna Karenina, I was sadly mistaken. The next day I was sad again. But my roommate helped me feel much better that night. And again, like Levin, I had a realization. Epiphanies rarely result in immediate and complete change. Change is work. Sometimes I will be disappointed and angry and upset. The choice to look on the bright side and to keep perspective, is one that I must personally make over and over. But I can do it.
Things get hard and crazy and unfair, but I have the power to choose, even when it sucks.  So that's kind of what I'm working on. Wish me luck.

Sometimes I write things

Orion

Alone
in the night,
I look to the stars.
I hope to see him,
And for half the year,
He is there.
His belt and his bow
Remind me I am not alone.

Each star
Makes a dot
Connecting to dot with lines
Invisible.
With the cold and the wind,
I shiver,
But I take a deep breath,
That I might stay.

Sometimes,
I am afraid.
Afraid to be alone.
Afraid to cry.
Afraid even to sing.
But seeing him,
I remember that I am not,
Can never be— alone.

Stuff

A lot has been going on with me recently. I had my j-tube inserted which was pretty intense, it left me in the hospital for about 6 days and home from school for an additional week- in other words, it was basically a party! I learned a really cool thing though, in about 6 weeks, my body will have adapted to the tube and will create a track from the hole on my abdomen to the corresponding hole in my intestine, this allowing for this tube to be simply pulled out and replaced without needing additional surgery.  I am amazed by the capacity of the human body to adapt, and I think the same can be said of the human spirit. 

Everyday, as human beings, we are faced with thee heart wrenching, the beautiful, the interesting, the boring, and the terrible; yet, each following day, we get up again.  That is amazing. Seriously.  I am so impressed by all the people around me, facing things I myself could not face. And helping me to face the things I must.

This, brings me to my next point: I have really amazing friends, and lots of them.  If you are reading this blog, chances are, you are my friend. And you are most certainly amazing.  The support I feel is overwhelming (can a thing be merely whelming? I'd like to feel whelmed). Anyway, the important thing is that surrounded by the human experience, I find myself amazed that I am lucky enough to merit the friendship and support of so many, though the face so many problems of their own. Thank you.

J-tube

So, this feeding tube on my face has been getting a wee bit annoying... And when I met with my doctor on Wednesday, he suggested having a jejunostomy tube inserted.  So, a week from Monday I will meet with a surgeon to discuss the insertion of just such a tube.  Hopefully it will be inserted over spring break so I won't have to miss any school.  It's not the ideal situation, but it does have major benefits such as, not being on my face, not being down my throat or pushing awkwardly on my uvula, and it is swimmable, which is kind of sweet.  Once it's inserted, I'm thinking of looking at my alternative medicine options since the regular doctor stuff seems to have run out,  it's a party peeps.

What to Do With My Life

I think all the time about what it is that I want to do with my life. I feel like I want to do something amazing in whichever field I decide to go into.  The problem is, I can't decide what field to go into. I will now elaborate on things that I love (They are in no particular order):

1.  I love to sing. I love it.  I love being in front of people, performing.  Seriously, it's sweet. And, I'm even pretty good at it.

2. I love to laugh, and to make others laugh... I super dig it. Almost nothing can make me as happy as making someone laugh.

3. I love learning stuff and talking about things that I learn.  It's awesome.

Those are three of the things that I really love a lot.  I would love to be able to do those three things professionally. Be funny, Sing stuff, and learn stuff to talk about.  I have always had secret and not so secret dreams of fame.  I want my name to be known.  I know its silly and maybe a little impossible.  But I really like it.  And I really want to go for it.  Good thing I am absolutely gorgeous.