Paradigm Shift

In my 11th grade honors English class, I learned about paradigm shifts. Or at least I learned the term for it, though I am sure I had experienced many such shifts in my life. The most important thing I learned though, was to embrace paradigm shifts as they came. Even to seek them out. I believe this to be one of the most important things I have ever learned.
 Recently, it seems that my paradigms shift more often than not. Every day I am faced with experiences that change the way I see the world, the way see others, and the way I see myself. With these shifts I find myself asking more and more questions of myself. I am forced to wonder what it is I believe and how it is I came to believe. And sometimes the answers bother me, because sometimes, I just don't know. This is not me suffering a crisis of faith so much as me searching for ways to maintain and expand belief.
 My life has been a bit crazy as of late, what, with tubes and all. And though this sucks in a somewhat major kind of fashion, it has really changed the way I think and feel about myself, and others really. First on the me side: for some reason having a tube has inspired a new sort of confidence in me. At first, I was exceedingly self-conscious, and that side certainly shows its face from time to time, but for the most part I feel pretty good. I have learned to embrace the tube, to use it as a means for laughter. I mean, I have it, so why not? Tubes can be pretty funny. Now, on the others side: I have learned that for the most part, people are good. They are curious and uncertain and even a little self-conscious themselves. Some of them get real awkward about the tube, some ignore it, and some just straight up ask me about it. I like the last of these. I prefer questions to staring eyes and words of comfort given before even bothering to find out what is wrong. Though, comfort is a fair, and sweet response.
 Another thing I've been thinking about is coolness. I haven't been one to ever really worry about what other people think is cool, or really, at all. I mean, I care to hear people's thoughts, because I think everyone has something to offer, but I don't really think that I need to live to anyone else's standards. Nor does anyone else need to live to mine. Although I've always sort of felt this way, I'm only recently starting to truly embrace it. Life is too short to let anyone else decide who I am. And I mean really, I'm pretty cool, fairly gorgeous, and damn funny (pardon the language peeps, it's just honesty). Things have turned out pretty well for me. I am good at throwing together decent outfits, decent meals, and making friends with amazing people pretty easily. The last of these is something I only recently realized. And I like it. I like me. I'm turning over a new leaf, a me-er leaf. Take it or leave it, but it's what I'm doing.
 Aside from being way cool, I am also super nerdy. I feel this adds to my coolness, and my reasoning is solid. I am excited over language theory, I mean, who is excited about that? Only the cool kids (kid?). I am learning that I have original and interesting ideas and that I can participate in the academic conversations with the big brains, that's cool. It's exciting learning what I can contribute. Everyone has something, it's all about finding it. And back to being cool, I think that's how you do it. Stop worrying about what other people think, and start finding what you love. That's cool.
And here's the payoff: I want to find the cool in other people. I want to learn to accept, and maybe even love, the things that make individuals individual. That's a thing that I've always been pretty good at, I like almost everyone, but now I want to make it more of a priority.
I'm afraid this post may have made me appear exceedingly cocky, and that is not what I intended. We're all pretty cool. Seriously, check yourself out.

New Year's Resolution

I have never really had a new year's resolution before, it's just not a thing that I've done, but this year I have decided to try it out. As far as resolutions go, I'm not sure mine exactly fits the mold, but screw the mold, I have a tube. I have decided that this year I am going to work on my relationships. I want to expand and improve the relationships that matter, the ones that improve my life, that are productive and mutually beneficial; and I want to either improve, or remove myself from relationships that are destructive. This resolution will integrate many aspects of my life, and require a great deal of change. I need to change the way I think about relationships. I need to work on the things that I can actually control, and accept the things that I cannot. This, I think is a big task for just a year, but I'd like to try.

Confidence

Sometimes I get these sudden, unexplainable feelings of absolute confidence. This time, it was after finishing the first day of school, tube up my nose and all. I didn't cry, i didn't die, I didn't even fall on my face, and you know what? I even made friends. A couple of them even called me a champion. Now that, is quite an exaggeration, but I certainly didn't correct them. I'll take every compliment I can get, so, you know, feel free. Anyway, after this day, I'm feeling pretty confident. I can do anything. Anything, except eat. But who needs that anyway. For now, I am listening to Ella and Louis, and loving it. Isn't it a lovely day.

Eating food, and other things I've taken for granted

I went to the doctor yesterday expecting to have a fancy plan of fixing my body, and instead, I learned that I will have this tube for another 6 weeks and then most likely have a more permanent tube inserted. That was awesome news. The good part about a more permanent feeding tube is that I will not be on my face, which means that I can pretend to be perfectly normal if I want to. That could be pretty awesome. And there is of course a chance that my doctor will have a fancy plan by the next time I have an appointment, and that could be even more awesome. Dare I say even awesomer? All of this has made me think more about the things I have in my life that I am lucky to have. I have a family and many friends that love me; I can still go to school and work and have lots of fun, even if it wears me out just a bit; I have felt basically good about all the things that are happening; I have so many opportunities to learn and grow and just generally be awesome. I have much to be grateful for. And I am, very grateful. But, in addition to thinking about the things I am lucky for, I have also thought a lot about the things I am missing out on. Namely, eating food. I miss food. I miss chewing it, swallowing it, digesting it, cooking it, buying it, tasting it, and even overeating it. Food is good. And when I try to imagine my future without the eating of food as part of it, I kind of struggle to see it as being possible. I can't imagine me with my only little family, them all eating dinner, and me not. That just seems a little crazy. So... I'll just have to get better, and that is that.