Plans

I have been learning a lot about plans lately. Making them. Having them. Loving them. Hating them. Keeping them. Losing them. In Dan in Real life, I believe it says something like, "we should teach our children to plan to be surprised". And really, I think that is what I have learned. I have been making some perfectly lovely plans as of late. Seriously, these have been some great plans. I felt great about them and was starting to get so very excited for the way my life WOULD go. But it turns out, I'm not actually in charge. Well at least not 100%. Life happens. Here I was planning my plans, when suddenly, I became sick. Well... that's not exactly true, I had been sick for quite sometime, but suddenly it went from an annoyance to something actually detrimental and a bit debilitating. And from there, I thought I watched my plans flush counterclockwise down the drain. Goodbye plans. Goodbye life. Goodbye everything. Talk about melodramatic. My life is so far from over, and my plans, though postponed, are not sitting at the bottom of any sewer anywhere. They are merely altered, changed, and hopefully growing. I recently had a feeding tube inserted. I have a fancy backpack that I get to keep with me always, and from it extends a clear tube. That tube wanders its way up my body, around my ear, through my nose, down my throat, and into my very entrails, where it supplies me with my daily nutrients and prevents me, at least thus far, from falling on my dear, and exceedingly gorgeous face. Although this tube brings me much joy, it also causes me some trepidation. As I ventured back to school today for the first time since its insertion, I felt relaxed, though tired. But upon entering the school I began to feel anxious. And each staring person in the hall added to my anxiety until I was sure that I should go to the library and hide my en-tubed face in a corner, and perhaps a book, maybe even a paper bag. But, my feet were unwilling to cooperate and somehow took me to my class. And it was fine. People were concerned, and sweet, they were kind, and had missed me. And this brings us back to plans, and being surprised. I had planned on pointing fingers and terrified expressions (and perhaps there were a few of those) but instead I received friendship. As for my bigger plans, I have no idea where they will lead me. I do not know what next year, next month, next week, or even tomorrow will bring. I just don't. But, you know, I'll make plans anyway. I'll try to learn from my past fears and embrace the surprises. Life is a beautiful, terrible thing. It hurts and it heals while simultaneously being both fun and boring, it is frightening and exciting and completely unpredictable. But it is mine. And yours, is yours. Even when it is an absolute suckfest, at least it is my suckfest. And I intend to love it. At least as much as I can.