People Care

sometimes the easiest thing to remember is the feeling of loneliness, and it seems as though no one could possibly care about you, because you are so small and insignificant. And then you find out that they do. This past monday, I had something of an interesting experience that reminded me that people cared. See I knew all along that people cared about me, but I didn't want them to have to be in a postion to prove it. See monday I was watching a late movie after work, we started it at like one o'clock and by around 2 thirty I was starting to feel really sick. My body was shaking and I felt like throwing up. I didn't want to leave because sitting next to me was my best friend, and her boyfriend who is my friend also but things are a little complicated. You see I like the kid, and my best friend knows but we are trying to find away to both be happy. I wanted to seem strong, I wanted to be strong. Awhile ago I told her that she should go out with him no matter how she thinks it makes me feel and I think I was right. No, I know I was right. We shouldn't both be unhappy when one of us has a chance at something amazing. So anyways, when I was beginning to think I was going to vomit all over the floor I got up and left, shaking like crazy. I went to the main bathrooms of the movies theatre but the janitors were in there so I had to go to the other bathroom. I went in the stall but I couldn't throw up and i just leaned against the side for a minute trying to remember how to breathe, until I couldn't stay anymore and I knew I had to go home. So I went to tell Aubree. I got up there and told her that I was going home and she asked if I was okay. Of course I said yes because that is just what you say to a question like that, and I told her that I just didn't feel very well. Then I walked down the theatre steps and started towards the exit, but she came up behind me and gave me a hug. Weirdly before it comforted me, it scared me like a million times worse than anything had ever scared me before. Then i kind of broke down. I was shaking so badly that Aubree had to help me sit down and remind me to breathe like a normal person. I remember that she kept asking me if I needed jarom to drive my car home, but I didn't know. Finally I said yes, and I am so glad that I did because if I hadn't I would not have made it home. So she helped me out to her car and Jarom went to mine. She drove me home. I was shaking so badly, I had never felt so out of control in my life, my body was shaking and I could not stop it no matter how hard I gripped the car. Aubree noticed of course and she was asking me if I was cold or if I was just shaking but I couldn't tell her, I didn't know. We passed a sprinkler and the water came in through the window hitting me and scaring me. I was confused at first about what it had been but I got over it. I could see that Aubree was scared and as sick as I felt it was worse knowing that I was scaring her. then we were at my house and she came around to open my door for me but I couldn't get out anyways. I felt so weak and so worthless and I knew that both she and Jarom cared about me. I also knew by the way she was trying to get me out of the car that she was going to break down and that she didn't want me to see it. I stood up, but that was as far as I could make it. I leaned against her car just bawling and knowing that she wanted me to be okay. And then Jarom came over and he asked me what was wrong, and I couldn't explain, I couldn't even explain to myself. They helped me into my house and they didn't leave until they knew that I was going to be okay. They really cared about me and it made me want to cry. I had never really seen Aubree cry before, and now I had and it was because of me. She was leaving for camp later that morning and i could not let her leave worrying about me. I made myself call her and tell her that I was okay even though I wasn't sure that it was true yet. All week I felt guilty knowing that I had made her cry, even though I knew it wasn't my fault, I felt worse about that than I was worried about what was happening to me. That night they saved my life, Aubree and Jarom, and I don't know if I can ever thank them enough. If I had tried to drive home, I would have never made it. It was amazing to see how much they could care, about me.

Wreck of the day/ Paper Bag

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up.
On love, On love
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cuz love doesnt hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces
And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love



She don't run from the sun no more
She boxed her shadow and she won
Said I can see you laugh
Through these bottle caps
And this wire around my neck ain't
There for fun

But someday we'll all be old
And I'll be so damn beautiful
Meanwhile I'll hide my head
Here in this paper bag
Cause if I cant see you
Then you can't see me
And it'll be okay
Fly little bee away
To where theres no more rain
And I can be me

Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like shes so tough
She says
"hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough"

But someday we'll all be old
And I'll be so damn beautiful

Meanwhile I'll hide my head
Here in this paper bag
Cause if I can't see you
Then you can't see me
And it'll be okay
Fly little bee away
To where theres no more rain
And I can be me

Some days I wade in the indigo
Singing that song on the radio
I blame these puddles on the rain
You know I gotta keep these cheeks dry today
Gotta keep my cheating strategy
And baby I'm gonna have it made.

But someday we'll all be old
And I'll be so damn beautiful

Meanwhile I'll hide my head
Here in this paper bag
Cause if I can't see you
Then you can't see me
And it'll be okay
Fly little bee away
To where there's no more rain
And I can be me


It's funny how sometimes music can describe exactly how you feel, even when you wish it wouldn't. These songs did that for me and, I don't know if I can ever listen to anything else again. The second verse of Wreck of the Day described how I was feeling exactly this past week. It couldn't be love, I was falling apart, it hurt too much and I was ready to give up. I really was. And when that song came on I was near a breaking point and I did my best to not cry while driving down the road. Especially that verse and the two lines: Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love, All my resistance will never be distance enough. I was so ready to just believe that it wasn't for me that I wasn't good enough, or pretty enough, or anything enough. But then the next song came on and it was so perfect and it made me stronger. I love the second verse in this one too, where she sings about the broken heart and how she pretends to be strong and okay when she isn't and it is so hard. And then it goes into the chorus saying that some day she is going to be so beautiful, everything will be okay, and she will be able to be herself. Last of all there is the part about the puddles and the cheeks, it's very descriptive of me and I admit it. So I know I will get over it, its hard but I can do it. Sometimes I believe my tears are a sign of weakness, but I know that they are just my reaction and they don't make me any weaker or stronger than anyone else.