What to Do With My Life

I think all the time about what it is that I want to do with my life. I feel like I want to do something amazing in whichever field I decide to go into.  The problem is, I can't decide what field to go into. I will now elaborate on things that I love (They are in no particular order):

1.  I love to sing. I love it.  I love being in front of people, performing.  Seriously, it's sweet. And, I'm even pretty good at it.

2. I love to laugh, and to make others laugh... I super dig it. Almost nothing can make me as happy as making someone laugh.

3. I love learning stuff and talking about things that I learn.  It's awesome.

Those are three of the things that I really love a lot.  I would love to be able to do those three things professionally. Be funny, Sing stuff, and learn stuff to talk about.  I have always had secret and not so secret dreams of fame.  I want my name to be known.  I know its silly and maybe a little impossible.  But I really like it.  And I really want to go for it.  Good thing I am absolutely gorgeous. 

Paradigm Shift

In my 11th grade honors English class, I learned about paradigm shifts. Or at least I learned the term for it, though I am sure I had experienced many such shifts in my life. The most important thing I learned though, was to embrace paradigm shifts as they came. Even to seek them out. I believe this to be one of the most important things I have ever learned.
 Recently, it seems that my paradigms shift more often than not. Every day I am faced with experiences that change the way I see the world, the way see others, and the way I see myself. With these shifts I find myself asking more and more questions of myself. I am forced to wonder what it is I believe and how it is I came to believe. And sometimes the answers bother me, because sometimes, I just don't know. This is not me suffering a crisis of faith so much as me searching for ways to maintain and expand belief.
 My life has been a bit crazy as of late, what, with tubes and all. And though this sucks in a somewhat major kind of fashion, it has really changed the way I think and feel about myself, and others really. First on the me side: for some reason having a tube has inspired a new sort of confidence in me. At first, I was exceedingly self-conscious, and that side certainly shows its face from time to time, but for the most part I feel pretty good. I have learned to embrace the tube, to use it as a means for laughter. I mean, I have it, so why not? Tubes can be pretty funny. Now, on the others side: I have learned that for the most part, people are good. They are curious and uncertain and even a little self-conscious themselves. Some of them get real awkward about the tube, some ignore it, and some just straight up ask me about it. I like the last of these. I prefer questions to staring eyes and words of comfort given before even bothering to find out what is wrong. Though, comfort is a fair, and sweet response.
 Another thing I've been thinking about is coolness. I haven't been one to ever really worry about what other people think is cool, or really, at all. I mean, I care to hear people's thoughts, because I think everyone has something to offer, but I don't really think that I need to live to anyone else's standards. Nor does anyone else need to live to mine. Although I've always sort of felt this way, I'm only recently starting to truly embrace it. Life is too short to let anyone else decide who I am. And I mean really, I'm pretty cool, fairly gorgeous, and damn funny (pardon the language peeps, it's just honesty). Things have turned out pretty well for me. I am good at throwing together decent outfits, decent meals, and making friends with amazing people pretty easily. The last of these is something I only recently realized. And I like it. I like me. I'm turning over a new leaf, a me-er leaf. Take it or leave it, but it's what I'm doing.
 Aside from being way cool, I am also super nerdy. I feel this adds to my coolness, and my reasoning is solid. I am excited over language theory, I mean, who is excited about that? Only the cool kids (kid?). I am learning that I have original and interesting ideas and that I can participate in the academic conversations with the big brains, that's cool. It's exciting learning what I can contribute. Everyone has something, it's all about finding it. And back to being cool, I think that's how you do it. Stop worrying about what other people think, and start finding what you love. That's cool.
And here's the payoff: I want to find the cool in other people. I want to learn to accept, and maybe even love, the things that make individuals individual. That's a thing that I've always been pretty good at, I like almost everyone, but now I want to make it more of a priority.
I'm afraid this post may have made me appear exceedingly cocky, and that is not what I intended. We're all pretty cool. Seriously, check yourself out.

New Year's Resolution

I have never really had a new year's resolution before, it's just not a thing that I've done, but this year I have decided to try it out. As far as resolutions go, I'm not sure mine exactly fits the mold, but screw the mold, I have a tube. I have decided that this year I am going to work on my relationships. I want to expand and improve the relationships that matter, the ones that improve my life, that are productive and mutually beneficial; and I want to either improve, or remove myself from relationships that are destructive. This resolution will integrate many aspects of my life, and require a great deal of change. I need to change the way I think about relationships. I need to work on the things that I can actually control, and accept the things that I cannot. This, I think is a big task for just a year, but I'd like to try.

Confidence

Sometimes I get these sudden, unexplainable feelings of absolute confidence. This time, it was after finishing the first day of school, tube up my nose and all. I didn't cry, i didn't die, I didn't even fall on my face, and you know what? I even made friends. A couple of them even called me a champion. Now that, is quite an exaggeration, but I certainly didn't correct them. I'll take every compliment I can get, so, you know, feel free. Anyway, after this day, I'm feeling pretty confident. I can do anything. Anything, except eat. But who needs that anyway. For now, I am listening to Ella and Louis, and loving it. Isn't it a lovely day.

Eating food, and other things I've taken for granted

I went to the doctor yesterday expecting to have a fancy plan of fixing my body, and instead, I learned that I will have this tube for another 6 weeks and then most likely have a more permanent tube inserted. That was awesome news. The good part about a more permanent feeding tube is that I will not be on my face, which means that I can pretend to be perfectly normal if I want to. That could be pretty awesome. And there is of course a chance that my doctor will have a fancy plan by the next time I have an appointment, and that could be even more awesome. Dare I say even awesomer? All of this has made me think more about the things I have in my life that I am lucky to have. I have a family and many friends that love me; I can still go to school and work and have lots of fun, even if it wears me out just a bit; I have felt basically good about all the things that are happening; I have so many opportunities to learn and grow and just generally be awesome. I have much to be grateful for. And I am, very grateful. But, in addition to thinking about the things I am lucky for, I have also thought a lot about the things I am missing out on. Namely, eating food. I miss food. I miss chewing it, swallowing it, digesting it, cooking it, buying it, tasting it, and even overeating it. Food is good. And when I try to imagine my future without the eating of food as part of it, I kind of struggle to see it as being possible. I can't imagine me with my only little family, them all eating dinner, and me not. That just seems a little crazy. So... I'll just have to get better, and that is that.

Making Choices

So, along with plans, I have been trying to make some choices. I have this problem where I want to do basically everything I try. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, not because I don't like anything enough, but basically because I like everything enough. It's a struggle. I might just have to try some of everything.

Plans

I have been learning a lot about plans lately. Making them. Having them. Loving them. Hating them. Keeping them. Losing them. In Dan in Real life, I believe it says something like, "we should teach our children to plan to be surprised". And really, I think that is what I have learned. I have been making some perfectly lovely plans as of late. Seriously, these have been some great plans. I felt great about them and was starting to get so very excited for the way my life WOULD go. But it turns out, I'm not actually in charge. Well at least not 100%. Life happens. Here I was planning my plans, when suddenly, I became sick. Well... that's not exactly true, I had been sick for quite sometime, but suddenly it went from an annoyance to something actually detrimental and a bit debilitating. And from there, I thought I watched my plans flush counterclockwise down the drain. Goodbye plans. Goodbye life. Goodbye everything. Talk about melodramatic. My life is so far from over, and my plans, though postponed, are not sitting at the bottom of any sewer anywhere. They are merely altered, changed, and hopefully growing. I recently had a feeding tube inserted. I have a fancy backpack that I get to keep with me always, and from it extends a clear tube. That tube wanders its way up my body, around my ear, through my nose, down my throat, and into my very entrails, where it supplies me with my daily nutrients and prevents me, at least thus far, from falling on my dear, and exceedingly gorgeous face. Although this tube brings me much joy, it also causes me some trepidation. As I ventured back to school today for the first time since its insertion, I felt relaxed, though tired. But upon entering the school I began to feel anxious. And each staring person in the hall added to my anxiety until I was sure that I should go to the library and hide my en-tubed face in a corner, and perhaps a book, maybe even a paper bag. But, my feet were unwilling to cooperate and somehow took me to my class. And it was fine. People were concerned, and sweet, they were kind, and had missed me. And this brings us back to plans, and being surprised. I had planned on pointing fingers and terrified expressions (and perhaps there were a few of those) but instead I received friendship. As for my bigger plans, I have no idea where they will lead me. I do not know what next year, next month, next week, or even tomorrow will bring. I just don't. But, you know, I'll make plans anyway. I'll try to learn from my past fears and embrace the surprises. Life is a beautiful, terrible thing. It hurts and it heals while simultaneously being both fun and boring, it is frightening and exciting and completely unpredictable. But it is mine. And yours, is yours. Even when it is an absolute suckfest, at least it is my suckfest. And I intend to love it. At least as much as I can.