Confidence

Sometimes I get these sudden, unexplainable feelings of absolute confidence. This time, it was after finishing the first day of school, tube up my nose and all. I didn't cry, i didn't die, I didn't even fall on my face, and you know what? I even made friends. A couple of them even called me a champion. Now that, is quite an exaggeration, but I certainly didn't correct them. I'll take every compliment I can get, so, you know, feel free. Anyway, after this day, I'm feeling pretty confident. I can do anything. Anything, except eat. But who needs that anyway. For now, I am listening to Ella and Louis, and loving it. Isn't it a lovely day.

Eating food, and other things I've taken for granted

I went to the doctor yesterday expecting to have a fancy plan of fixing my body, and instead, I learned that I will have this tube for another 6 weeks and then most likely have a more permanent tube inserted. That was awesome news. The good part about a more permanent feeding tube is that I will not be on my face, which means that I can pretend to be perfectly normal if I want to. That could be pretty awesome. And there is of course a chance that my doctor will have a fancy plan by the next time I have an appointment, and that could be even more awesome. Dare I say even awesomer? All of this has made me think more about the things I have in my life that I am lucky to have. I have a family and many friends that love me; I can still go to school and work and have lots of fun, even if it wears me out just a bit; I have felt basically good about all the things that are happening; I have so many opportunities to learn and grow and just generally be awesome. I have much to be grateful for. And I am, very grateful. But, in addition to thinking about the things I am lucky for, I have also thought a lot about the things I am missing out on. Namely, eating food. I miss food. I miss chewing it, swallowing it, digesting it, cooking it, buying it, tasting it, and even overeating it. Food is good. And when I try to imagine my future without the eating of food as part of it, I kind of struggle to see it as being possible. I can't imagine me with my only little family, them all eating dinner, and me not. That just seems a little crazy. So... I'll just have to get better, and that is that.

Making Choices

So, along with plans, I have been trying to make some choices. I have this problem where I want to do basically everything I try. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, not because I don't like anything enough, but basically because I like everything enough. It's a struggle. I might just have to try some of everything.

Plans

I have been learning a lot about plans lately. Making them. Having them. Loving them. Hating them. Keeping them. Losing them. In Dan in Real life, I believe it says something like, "we should teach our children to plan to be surprised". And really, I think that is what I have learned. I have been making some perfectly lovely plans as of late. Seriously, these have been some great plans. I felt great about them and was starting to get so very excited for the way my life WOULD go. But it turns out, I'm not actually in charge. Well at least not 100%. Life happens. Here I was planning my plans, when suddenly, I became sick. Well... that's not exactly true, I had been sick for quite sometime, but suddenly it went from an annoyance to something actually detrimental and a bit debilitating. And from there, I thought I watched my plans flush counterclockwise down the drain. Goodbye plans. Goodbye life. Goodbye everything. Talk about melodramatic. My life is so far from over, and my plans, though postponed, are not sitting at the bottom of any sewer anywhere. They are merely altered, changed, and hopefully growing. I recently had a feeding tube inserted. I have a fancy backpack that I get to keep with me always, and from it extends a clear tube. That tube wanders its way up my body, around my ear, through my nose, down my throat, and into my very entrails, where it supplies me with my daily nutrients and prevents me, at least thus far, from falling on my dear, and exceedingly gorgeous face. Although this tube brings me much joy, it also causes me some trepidation. As I ventured back to school today for the first time since its insertion, I felt relaxed, though tired. But upon entering the school I began to feel anxious. And each staring person in the hall added to my anxiety until I was sure that I should go to the library and hide my en-tubed face in a corner, and perhaps a book, maybe even a paper bag. But, my feet were unwilling to cooperate and somehow took me to my class. And it was fine. People were concerned, and sweet, they were kind, and had missed me. And this brings us back to plans, and being surprised. I had planned on pointing fingers and terrified expressions (and perhaps there were a few of those) but instead I received friendship. As for my bigger plans, I have no idea where they will lead me. I do not know what next year, next month, next week, or even tomorrow will bring. I just don't. But, you know, I'll make plans anyway. I'll try to learn from my past fears and embrace the surprises. Life is a beautiful, terrible thing. It hurts and it heals while simultaneously being both fun and boring, it is frightening and exciting and completely unpredictable. But it is mine. And yours, is yours. Even when it is an absolute suckfest, at least it is my suckfest. And I intend to love it. At least as much as I can.

Sisters. and Elders as Brothers.

I have never before had the opportunity to have a sister. That is excluding dogs which are quite good as far as sisters go but have relatively little to say in the way of actual words. At the MTC though, I gained many, many beautiful women who I now consider to be my sisters and some of my best friends. It is funny the way and quickness with which girls you meet at the MTC become your sisters. First, they merely have the title of sister written on their name tag but later, and not much later may I add, they begin to actually be your sisters. People you have never even met before quickly, within days and sometimes minutes really, become some of your favorite people in the world, and it is wonderful.

I quite like these girls. Each and every sister I besistered (it is like befriended but with sisters) while at the MTC has made a beautiful and permanent change in who I am, who I want to be, and how I perceive myself. They each face challenges, varied in nature but none of them less important or difficult than another, with a strength and courage that literally floors me. And somehow, these amazing women seem to see some sort of strength in me. As I receive letters from them weekly and somehow accidentally see them at the temple I am repeatedly edified by their spiritual strength and general ability to make me smile no matter what. They often even make me laugh which I suppose seems no giant feat as I am more often found laughing than doing anything else, but I promise, I have quite a refined palate as far as humor goes. These girls are amazing, through and through. I am quite lucky to know them.

Now, for the elders... I have had the experience of brothers in my life, and mine are quite as amazing as they come so the elders I encountered had a huge expectation to live up to. And they quite did. The elders in my zone were kind, considerate, and always awesome. I felt like they were always there as a positive force in my life, and I love that. They will do amazing things as missionaries, I am sure of it. I consider myself very lucky to have gained the relationship that I have with the elders I have met, my dear brothers from other mothers, they are as topnotchity as they come.

I hope to always remain friends with everyone that I encounter on my mission, and I am pretty good at friend keeping so I expect it to happen. Much love all.

Clarity

In recent days, perhaps even months, my life has been a bit of a confusing mess. I have been happy, but I have also been floundering a bit. Then yesterday I realized something: I will get what I want, and it will be wonderful.
I also realized something else, it's not going to happen overnight. Anything worth having, is worth waiting for. I am soon to go on a mission, to Korea and it will be fantastic, no doubt.
Someday I will be married and begin creating a beautiful family. The thing I want probably more than anything else. And when that day comes, the man who I marry will be just as excited and ready as I am. And it will be hard. And it will be crazy. And it will be beautiful.
I am ready now to just see how things go. To work hard and explore myself until I find me, one hundred percent. And now, I continue my exploration.

Corinne to Korea

I'm going to Korea!!!! I got my call on my very own birthday and I am so excited! I will be going to the MTC on the 7th of September!!!! I will be in the MTC for 3 months and then I will begin my service in the Korea Seoul mission, I'm feeling pretty terrific! In preperation for my mission I am in need of some things and ifany of my lovely readers would like to help me out, I thought I would include a list, here goes:
-skirts that cover the knee (size 12)
- nice shirts
- a rain coat
- gloves
- scarves
- winter hat
- cardigans
- an umbrella
- 4 twin size sheets
- a towel, hand towel, and wash cloth
- small first aid kit

that is pretty much everything I need. Thank you everyone and I am
so excited!