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Thoughts of an early morn

As I write this post, I am merely amazed at my general state of alertness at such an hour. It is only 7 o'clock, but I have been awake for 4 hours, which is a good hour longer than I was able to sleep last night.  Lucky for me, I have superhuman strength, so sleep is merely a nice thing to do with my time, but ever so far from a necessary one.  Yeah, right. At a time like this, there is nothing to do but be grateful. And I am grateful.

Things I am grateful for:

Sub-list, People
 My family- I have a good, weird, crazy, funny family. That's always good.

My roommates- Okay, so my roommates are the best. So the best that I need to give them each a couple words:
Bomi and Diana- The two newest of my roommates, they are the best, sweetest girls I have ever been lucky enough to encounter.
Kendra- I haven't known Kendra too long, but she kills me, one of the funniest people I know.
Hannah- She's totally the best.  We spend our days speaking in accents and leaning left together, also watching movies, and just generally being the coolest people. ever.
Alicia- We are roommates in the roommatiest of ways, sharing the very room in which we sleep.  She can always make me laugh, and is extremely kind.
I seriously love them all.

My friends-  I am grateful for the friends I have known forever and the friends I am just getting to know.  For the friends it feels like I've known forever, when time has really been quite short, and the friends who are probably quite tired of me.  I am grateful for my friends who are dogs, and ducks, and polar bears I have only actually seen in pictures because the one at the hogle zoo ate a latex glove, and the ending of that story was not so pleasant. Anyway, I have the best friends.

Sublist, Material Possessions

I fancy being a minimalist, but when I am perfectly honest, I have some stuff that I really love. For example:

My bike. I am in love with my bike.
My various electronic devices.
My blankets. I am obsessed with blankets.
My clothes. I appreciate not having to be publicly naked.
My pump/tube. It keeps me alive, and I'm a fan of that.
My MANY pens.
My fancy new camera.

Non-tangibles

There are some things that I have that I cannot touch or hold, but that I still love.

My faith.  This is something that I do not often express gratitude for, but I am grateful for my faith, and the hope it grants me.
Music.
My mind.  Sometimes, my body fails me, but I can be killer smart when I need to be.
 The fact that Christmas is coming. Soon.

Yeah... so those are some things that I am grateful for and that have been occupying my mind in the early hours recently.  I could probably go on forever, just listing things that I am lucky to have, but instead, I'll stop here for now. Until next time, I suppose.

On Being Lucky

I've been thinking a lot lately of what it means to be lucky.  About three weeks ago I was in a basically terrible accident with little to no injuries. There was high speeds, going on to the barrier, and rolling and rolling. It was scary, and I have developed somewhat of a fear of slow-moving trucks and lane changes. I also experience neck pain, and quite a bit of it. On the other hand, I have no broken bones, no internal injuries, and no being dead. So that's good.
I consider myself quite lucky. Part one of luck is most certainly a blessing, I am blessed.  Part two of luck is understanding, understanding that luck isn't the lack of bad things happening, but instead the ability to be happy anyway. Part three of luck is action, this means that luck involves active choice making—I choose to see this as something that happened, and something to move past— this choice is not easy, and I struggle with it, but I'm trying.
Unrelated to luck, I have this struggle with impossibilities and limitations. I don't like that they exist, and I tend to ignore them. Sometimes this is good and helps me accomplish great things. And sometimes it is bad and helps me be so tired that I can hardly breathe.  But I figure, if I am to be alive, I may as well be living.

Cathleen Kelly

I like to fall asleep to movies, so, right now, as I type, Cathleen Kelly is concurrently typing a love letter to one Joe Fox—a man I have loved since I was 11 years old.  Also happening right now, a pump is pushing my formula (affectionately named "vanilla" by my roommate, Alicia) into my body. Yay hooray! The only problem is that with every drop of vanilla that enters my body, the feeding attachment gets pushed farther out, and within five minutes my pump would be pumping precious drops of vanilla all over me and my bed instead of into my intestines where it belongs. I should probably talk to someone about this... I think there's a pinch or something. Now, Joe Fox is proclaiming the end of the world, and Cathleen is smelling scotch tape, and I am icing my shoulder, which I hurt bowling and is kind of getting worse.  Sorry that this post is becoming kind of stream of consciousness... I'm distracted.
Recently I've been eating too much food. See, it sounds good and it looks good, and it smells good. So I eat it. And then I'm sick. For hours. And I think to myself, I should never do that again, but then I do.  So now I am writing this post so I will have a sense of responsibility accompanying my words. I need to significantly decrease my food eating, maybe like once a week or something... But I need help, mostly because I forget and because food is so social. Maybe you all could help me? I think if I get myself a good supply of gum, hard candy, and Popsicles, I'll be able to stop the eating.  I'm also thinking ill try to drink water. So far it fails, but maybe I can retrain my body to accept it.
Sometimes I get really frustrated and think to myself, "why is this my life?" And not in a happy way. But then, I'll have a good conversation or watch a good movie (Tall. Decaf. Cappuccino.) or I dunno, do something fun, and then I remember that I have THE BEST friends, I live with some of the greatest people I have ever encountered, I have an excellent job, and my life is overall pretty great.
And so as I watch Frank describe Cathleen as a lone reed, and Cathleen thinking about her small but valuable life, I am thinking about my own life.  Sometimes I feel alone and afraid, and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I wonder if I have anything to offer. And sometimes I wonder if I love you've got mail because I am like Cathleen Kelly, or if I am like Cathleen Kelly because I love the movie. It doesn't really matter in the end though.  I think we are all sometimes afraid, and perhaps we even all sometimes feel insignificant, I think we all might even wonder why we are who we are, it's part of being human. And I think I'm learning to accept it.

I am Corinne Jordan Bauer.  I am smart and brave and strong. Sometimes, I am afraid. I love school supplies and plain white daisies with yellow centers; books and the smell of coffee.  I try to be kind, and sometimes don't defend myself, but I have the power to make people laugh, and the empathy to cry when they cry. I'm learning to forgive. I am different and sometimes awkward, and because of this, I have something unique to offer to the world. And I am surrounded by people who constantly amaze me. They put me to shame, yet still want to be around me, so I must be doing something right. When I really think about it, I'm pretty lucky.

Future Accomplishments

So, I have been thinking a lot about the things I want to accomplish in my life, and decided to write a bucket list of sorts.  I don't know if mine fits the exact constraints of bucket lists in general, but, it works for me.  Some of the things will be difficult, while others are simple, and perhaps unimportant, nevertheless, they mean something to me.  Life is so full of opportunity, I'm ready to seize them! Here is my list, I'd be interested to hear others' bucket lists, and suggestions for mine!

Bucket List
Learn to surf       Go to second city      Have some crazy color of hair      Have a 1920's themed party
Live in New York.      Travel all across Europe      Visit Boston   Star in a musical
Duet with someone awesome   Make a soufflé    Speak Korean (well)    Open macaroni restaurant
 Read all of dickens   Zip line through a jungle   Swim with sharks   Do a half ironman
Go to every national park in the USA   Be published   Do comedy for my job
Meet Tina fey (and be best friends, of course)    Live near a beach   Volunteer in Africa
Go somewhere new every year   Be toned   Swim all the time   Write daily
Be okay with success and failure   Have a conversation with David sedaris
 Own blue converse high tops   Make croissants aux chocolat    Get a black belt
Have a piece of art in a gallery   Own a piece of art that I love   Go back to Mexico
Design and make a dress   Write something that changes the world
Stand up for those who need my help   Write and perform a song   Play the banjo   Be in a band
Go to a bluegrass festival   Present at a conference    Watch a sunrise   Own a motorcycle
Snowboard   Go to culinary school   Discover something new   Eat crepes in France
Build a sand sculpture   Finish an altered book   Go to grad school

A thing I learned today

So last night my fancy tube fell out of my abdomen... lame. It's been happening quite frequently and it is a little annoying. anyway, on this occasion, I could not get it back in. So that was a little dumb and led to a trip to my favorite land, the ER! Yay hooray! Actually, it wasn't too bad, until the part where they put a new, temporary, unusable tube in.  That was slightly on the painful side.  Like tears falling kinda painful. That part sucked. And then I couldn't sleep basically all night, so that was dumb too, although I did watch Charly, The Incredibles, Mulan, and Never Been Kissed, so that part was kind of good.
Anyway, the ER peeps were supposed to schedule me to meet with the radiologists and get a real one put in, and that didn't actually happen. So I spent an hour and a half calling people to get the appointment scheduled. (This is the part where you should be really proud of me, because I really dislike making phone calls... you know, the bureaucracy of it all). Anyway, I did it and got an appointment for 2 o'clock, when I came in, courtesy of my friends Chelsea and Aubree.  Anyway, at the radiologist's, I got some killer scrubs and a gown on, and they got to work.  At first, it was actually kind of fun, there was good music on and I was like joking with the radiologists and it was really cool.  But then they started actually working on me, and I got quiet, and less funny, which is a downer, because I am a riot. Seriously.
Anyway, this was a slightly painful process that got more painful as time went on, and when it was over, I was really hurting. As I got off the table and headed back to my room, I got really cold and then hot and sick to my stomach. Really sick. I was like throwing up (Sorry guys) and they gave me some zofran which I promptly threw up some more (sorry again). Still feeling sick, I finally went home and layed on my bed for like 2 hours during which I like couldn't get up, after that, I spent another couple of hours where I could basically only walk if I was like bent in half.  But then finally, I got to the point where I could (can) stand up and walk and everything (even if my stomach is making some CRAZY sounds).  Anyway, to the thing I learned: Sometimes, feeling decent, or even fairly sick, can feel like feeling spectacular, especially after feeling extremely shitty. So it's all a matter of perspective (and now you, as a reader of this blog, are gaining all kinds of new perspective on my potty mouth-- but seriously, crappy does not describe how I felt-- So I'm just going to assume that you are going to forgive me).   So now, tonight, I am sitting around feeling really spectacular and alive in sheer appreciation of the fact that I am no longer feeling like I am dying. Perspective rocks my socks off.  Life is good, even if it's hard, I love it. Usually.
Anyway, I think I shall try to incorporate this sense of  perspective into the remainder of my life without having to feel like the dying thing is on its way.  And it turns out that I say "anyways" A LOT. Sorry about that... and pleasant days to you.

My life

I don't know what I want to do with my life, at least not exactly, not precisely. I want to do something amazing, I want to help people, and I want to be remembered. I don't know how I will do this, but I know I will do it. I want future generations of people to look back at my life and to say, she was kind to people, she made them laugh, she was smart, she made a difference. I want there to be individuals whose lives are better because I am a part of them. That's really what I want.
I worry sometimes that I say the wrong things, because I do. I'm worried that I've hurt people, and I know I have. And I'm really sorry for it. I worry that some people have cried, and will cry because of me. I hurt for that. But I hope I can do enough good to make up for it.
I also worry that my capacity to do good is hindered by the same thing that hinders my capacity to eat food. But I don't actually think that's a thing.  I think that everyone can do good, no matter what their physical situation; If they want to.
I signed up for this stupid ass support group the other day. I thought maybe it would be cool to have other people to talk to, who understand what I'm going through. But, it turns out, it's mostly a forum for complaints, which is cool I guess, but I'm not really interested in hearing how hard life with gp is. I know how hard it is.  What I want to hear about is cool marathon runners and singers and astronauts with gastroparesis. That's support. Maybe I'll just have to do those amazing things and start my own group, where people can be inspired and empowered, rather than brought down by complaints. Not that complaining doesn't have its place, we all need a good vent from time to time. But I want people to feel like they can do hard things, not like things are too hard for them to do. I'm just pretty sure that support groups shouldn't be depressing.
I want everyone to just love each other, which is silly and naive, and maybe even stupid. But it would be amazing.