Corinne's Big Adventure

Sisters. and Elders as Brothers.

2011-12-14T18:24:00.003-07:00

I have never before had the opportunity to have a sister. That is excluding dogs which are quite good as far as sisters go but have relatively little to say in the way of actual words. At the MTC though, I gained many, many beautiful women who I now consider to be my sisters and some of my best friends. It is funny the way and quickness with which girls you meet at the MTC become your sisters. First, they merely have the title of sister written on their name tag but later, and not much later may I add, they begin to actually be your sisters. People you have never even met before quickly, within days and sometimes minutes really, become some of your favorite people in the world, and it is wonderful.

I quite like these girls. Each and every sister I besistered (it is like befriended but with sisters) while at the MTC has made a beautiful and permanent change in who I am, who I want to be, and how I perceive myself. They each face challenges, varied in nature but none of them less important or difficult than another, with a strength and courage that literally floors me. And somehow, these amazing women seem to see some sort of strength in me. As I receive letters from them weekly and somehow accidentally see them at the temple I am repeatedly edified by their spiritual strength and general ability to make me smile no matter what. They often even make me laugh which I suppose seems no giant feat as I am more often found laughing than doing anything else, but I promise, I have quite a refined palate as far as humor goes. These girls are amazing, through and through. I am quite lucky to know them.

Now, for the elders... I have had the experience of brothers in my life, and mine are quite as amazing as they come so the elders I encountered had a huge expectation to live up to. And they quite did. The elders in my zone were kind, considerate, and always awesome. I felt like they were always there as a positive force in my life, and I love that. They will do amazing things as missionaries, I am sure of it. I consider myself very lucky to have gained the relationship that I have with the elders I have met, my dear brothers from other mothers, they are as topnotchity as they come.

I hope to always remain friends with everyone that I encounter on my mission, and I am pretty good at friend keeping so I expect it to happen. Much love all.

Clarity

2011-07-25T16:05:00.004-06:00

In recent days, perhaps even months, my life has been a bit of a confusing mess. I have been happy, but I have also been floundering a bit. Then yesterday I realized something: I will get what I want, and it will be wonderful.
I also realized something else, it's not going to happen overnight. Anything worth having, is worth waiting for. I am soon to go on a mission, to Korea and it will be fantastic, no doubt.
Someday I will be married and begin creating a beautiful family. The thing I want probably more than anything else. And when that day comes, the man who I marry will be just as excited and ready as I am. And it will be hard. And it will be crazy. And it will be beautiful.
I am ready now to just see how things go. To work hard and explore myself until I find me, one hundred percent. And now, I continue my exploration.

Corinne to Korea

2011-07-15T19:01:00.002-06:00

I'm going to Korea!!!! I got my call on my very own birthday and I am so excited! I will be going to the MTC on the 7th of September!!!! I will be in the MTC for 3 months and then I will begin my service in the Korea Seoul mission, I'm feeling pretty terrific! In preperation for my mission I am in need of some things and ifany of my lovely readers would like to help me out, I thought I would include a list, here goes:
-skirts that cover the knee (size 12)
- nice shirts
- a rain coat
- gloves
- scarves
- winter hat
- cardigans
- an umbrella
- 4 twin size sheets
- a towel, hand towel, and wash cloth
- small first aid kit

that is pretty much everything I need. Thank you everyone and I am
so excited!

Friendship...

2011-06-22T22:00:00.002-06:00

Is really important to me. I think a friend is something that can never ever be replaced and so, I do everything I can to maintain the friendships I have. Sometimes it is really hard, sometimes it even hurts, but I don't care. It matters to me.

Heart of Gold

2011-06-05T19:42:00.002-06:00

I want to live, I want to give, keep me searching for a heart of gold. Oh Neil Young, you have my love. Listening to your music reminds me of living in the "White house," Well at least the house we lived in that was white... that one time. Anyway, it carries a memory and currently makes me feel something. It carries kind of a loneliness with it but certainly not a hopelessness.
Sometimes I feel like a girl apart. Perhaps this is why I like buffy so much. I have friends and family and plenty of people who love me and who I love in return. But I just feel so different. Its like I see the world in a way that no one else imagines, and good fore me, right? For the most part yes. I like my view of the world and I can't explain it. But as I sit and wait, I feel apart.
(this is not a depressing post, merely a thoughtful one)

Completion of the papers

2011-05-23T15:00:00.001-06:00

So my papers are in! At least to the bishop, it's pretty exciting! So it could be really soon that I get
my call, so feel free to cast your votes!

Another Day

2011-05-15T12:31:00.002-06:00

Today was Sunday.
I arrived at church this morning and far from being ready to learn, I was already ready to go home. I was thinking of leaving after sacrament meeting because that is of course the most important part. But I decided to first say a prayer, I told myself and God that I was preparing for a mission, leaving church early is not exactly a mission prep thing to do, so in my prayer I asked that I would want to be in church today. By the time the first meeting was over, I was ready to stay through sunday school and then come home, and after sunday school I decided to stay for the whole block. And I am glad that I did.
I have been praying all the time recently, about pretty much everything and perhaps even too much. The other day in fact I was watching an episode of Buffy, yes, the Vampire Slayer, in a particular intense moment I found myself praying that it would all work out. Embarrassing, I know. It did not in fact work out as I wanted to but as the episode was prefilmed, I was not offended. I also pray about a lot of small things and big things that have been happening recently in my life. I have not always received an immediate solution to my problem but I have been able to maintain a feeling of peace and hope that has allowed me to remain happy even as I have struggled.
My mission papers are almost ready to be submitted, I only have the dental appointment left and it is scheduled for the 26th of may, then the waiting really begins. Sometimes I find myself scared, afraid that I wont be able to keep the schedule of a missionary or be able to break out of my shell enough to actually change the life of another human being for the better, but, in my heart, I know it can and will happen.
As of yet I do not know what exactly I will need physically for my mission, although I am fairly certain skirts will be involved. So if any of you lovely readers have anything cute to offer, I'm game.
I love you and will check in again soon.

Girl on a Mission

2011-05-04T11:59:00.003-06:00

I am excited to announce that I have begun my mission papers. As a female member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints approaching the prime age of 21, I have come to the conclusion that it is about time for me to go somewhere and do something. Specifically, a mission. I have been feeling for awhile now that I have access to a beautiful truth and it is about time for me to share it. I have started my papers, set the appointment for my physical, and thought about my dental appointment, hopefully i will get in to that soon. It is crazy how quickly things are going now that I have been able to start, although it has felt like such a long time since I decided I wanted to go. My dear friends, I will require much aid in many different fashions in order to meet my goal and I would so much appreciate your help. Whether you can contribute financially or perhaps to the supplies I will need when I finally receive my call and prepare more thoroughly to leave, any help will be important and useful. Perhaps this plug is a bit shameless, but I am a girl on a mission. When I have more information on clothes and things that I will need I will post again. But until then, let me know if you would like to help in any way. I will appreciate it greatly. Thank you all.

Changes

2011-04-26T16:32:00.001-06:00

Life is funny. Sometimes, i think i know exactly where I am headed, but i never do. It seems kind of horrible actually, but in the end I always seem to end up happy.

Friends, and hope

2011-04-17T21:09:00.002-06:00

I have been learning recently about friends. The different kinds I have and the things they mean to me. Some friends are family, some have become family, some are animals, and some are even inanimate. The one thing that real friends have in common is that they never desert you. Things change, relationships shift, but your friends remain. My friends are my dogs, and recently my guinea pigs. My dear dear piper, who is now gone, I miss her so. My sanora who sits by me whenever I am over and cries for only me to throw her ball. Even drake, his bell and always opened mouth has charm. Then there is my family my mom, dad, and brothers, all of whom I love very much. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and others on whom I can always rely. There are the movies and books I watch and read for comfort. Although they do not think or feel, I always know that when I am having a bad day you've got mall, or a hardy boys book, will be waiting for me. Then there are the people I have met who have enriched my life and caused my heart to fill with love. All of these changed my life for the better one way or another. I will not lose a single one of them if I can help it. Things change, things hurt, but for love, it is worth it.
Hope is another important thing. It is wonderful to have hope, but it some ways, hope is painful. Hope causes you to hold onto things others may let go of. In the moment waiting with hope Can be hurtful. Because hope means waiting for something you don't yet have, something you may never have. And waiting, sucks. We could always give up, not wait, and not hope. Things would be easier, if much much more sad. Sometimes easy seems more important than happy. It's not. Sometimes giving up seems nobler than hanging on to a seemingly lost cause. It never is. I am trying to make the hopeful choice. And it, is hard. But will be worth it, is worth it even now.

David Bowie

2011-02-16T14:57:00.002-07:00

Oh goodness... my blogging has really hit a block... I don't know what to say. But I guess I am back, I'll write more stuffs, I promise.

Corinso Online

2010-11-29T16:40:00.001-07:00

Episodes 3-5

Corinso Online

2010-10-30T12:22:00.002-06:00

Episode 1

Corinso Online

2010-10-30T12:19:00.003-06:00

Episode 2

Its been awhile

2010-10-29T11:25:00.003-06:00

It has been many moons since I last posted and the time has finally come to write again. I have been busy and exceedingly happy recently and thus found nothing to complain about which led to having nothing to write about. Upon further inspection it has become apparent to me that complaints may not, in fact, be the point of blogging. So happy things are just as write-about-able as not. I am currently smiling quite a wide little smile (my mouth is small, so although this smile is wide for me, it remains little compared to others) as I contemplate my super duper top secret plan for my blog from this point forward. I sincerely hope that I set my plan in motion by tomorrow but one can never be too sure about life, as it is prone to changing. Anyway I know I have given ample cause for my blog to be given up on but please, please please please, give me a chance.

Buttons

2010-05-04T13:37:00.002-06:00

What Can I say, I am obsessed! I let some very cute ninos play with my buttons and it turned my room into quite a mess and led me to reorganize my buttons by color :)

Feeling Good

2010-04-16T14:18:00.006-06:00

Aaaaaaah!!!!! I am feeling good. Epiphany today in English, like for real, I am feeling good. Whatever I have got I hope that it is catching and that everyone in the world will catch it because seriously, I am feeling so good, and it had better stick. I want to feel like this forever, In fact, I talked to God about it and he said I can. In response I was like, "you know, a lot of people have told me that and I never really listened," and he responded that I tend to do that, and together we laughed. I hope that that doesn't sound too blasphemous for the likes of my readers, but it doesn't seem blasphemous at all to me (Is that even spelled right?!?!?! I don't know...) But here's the deal, I feel good. I hold the world in my hands as a young, intelligent, beautiful, talented person and honestly, so do you. People like to "put me in my place" (or... us in our places?) and they seem to think that "my place" is down, but I have got it figured out. People put other people down because they secretly see the potential in others and it seriously pisses them off. And do you know why it makes them so angry? Well I think I do. It is because in seeing the potential in others they somehow fail to see the potential in themselves, and who wouldn't be angry to see a whole bunch of potential filled people when they do not share that potential? Who wouldn't? No one. SO somehow we all have to find it in ourselves. Sappy sappy sappy though that may sound it is true. Truer than molasses.

So like how in the world did I luck into feeling so fantastic today? I don't really know, but, it happened. It all started like... oh goodness... perhaps 50 minutes ago in English with my esteemed professor, Karin Anderson, the woman is AMAZING! but today, it was not even her teaching but student presentations instead, and one girl was talking about the runners high. This presentation did not cause me to immediately run thus causing my current "high" but instead caused me to think about the power my mind holds over my body, and I realized that I can do ANYTHING. This is not one of those times when the term anything is meant to mean a few select and approved things but instead a time when anything means anything. This realization made me want to excell and to try the impossible, in fact my imediate desire was to start jumping off really high things, (with appropriate safety measures of course!!!)both literally and in a more figurative making career choices sort of way. So I left my class with already high spirits when out of nowhere my ipod, on shuffle might i add, starts playing Feeling Good by Michael Buble, I proceeded to listen to it 5 additional times, beause, I AM feeling good. Aaaaaah! Like dang, if only I could feel like this forever, and, don't you worry, I plan to. This is not to say that I do not believe my eyes will fill with tears anytime soon, because honestly if anything was meant for tears it is my eyes, they have got it COVERED!!! But I just feel like whatever I am facing I will hop over, look back, and smile despite the turmoil and pain it may cause in the act, when all is said and done, I will come off conquerer.

Man how selfcentered can I get! But that was so not the intent, what i really think is that we all have potential hanging out inside of us, and not just a little but tons! Tons! And I just happened to be lucky enough to notice, so i feel it is my responsibility to say something about it and hopefully you all will notice too. I can only imagine what the world would be like if everyone felt the way that I do right now,things would be different, and it would be good. So lets do it! Seriously look inside yourself and see it, we have been given such wonderful, i don't know... ness! We should take full advantage.

2010-04-08T22:51:00.000-06:00

Orion, my protector in the sky, be with me tonight.

My new blog!

2010-03-18T11:59:00.002-06:00

Hi everyone! Check out my new blog made especially for my culinary creations, experiments, and failures. It will be fun and the more people who get involved, the better it will be! So just do it! http://theeatingexperimentsofagirlwithabook.blogspot.com/

corinne and corinnia

2010-02-18T18:53:00.000-07:00

So... I am feeling quite inspired by julie and julia, I have yet to read the book but I love the movie, so I am setting a goal of my own. All I must do now is choose the cookbook, which, I should be doing today.
Cooking is something I love to do, it makes me smile on the worst of days and occasionally cry at my terrible mishaps. But still, I love it. So that is my goal, 1 cookbook to be finished one recipe at a time, one year from today.
Wish me luck!

Vampire

2010-01-22T18:34:00.003-07:00

I woke up this morning looking like a vampire.
And not the beautiful twilight sort, but instead like vlad the impaler reincarnated

Talk about pale with bags under the eye!I blame it on a not so good night's sleep. So I decided to get a haircut, and now I look like this:

well at least i feel like that :D

It turns out, I'm a nerd

2010-01-08T18:21:00.007-07:00

Just seeing the periodic table of elements makes my heart beat faster.

Plato makes me laugh.

And when I get into a book it becomes as important as my actual life.

But, i am certainly not complaining. And if I am a nerd, at least I am a sort of cute one.

Mixed Emotions

2009-12-13T16:05:00.003-07:00

SO I am going home tomorrow and I have never been so excited in my life, except perhaps every Christmas eve :) My bags are packed although I had to chuck pretty much half my material possessions into the trash to be able to fit it into my bags, goodbye textbooks, half my already way too small wardrobe, my pillow, and random things that I can hopefully live without. I am ready to be home, but I am also sad to leave, sad because I will miss Maritza and the boys, sad because I had big plans for my Spanish learning, and sad because I have come to love Mexico. I am happy because I am ready to move on, and because I do not like the feeling of doing a job that is not mine without being appreciated for it. So now I will spend a night without sleep, because I am not capable of sleeping when excited, and then I will come home tomorrow hopefully to snow.

Decision.

2009-12-05T20:11:00.001-07:00

So I have been feeling a little weird about my job here in Mexico for awhile, I feel like the job I am doing is not the one that I was expecting, nor the one described in the contract and finally yesterday I talked to Carmen. It turns out that neither of us are satisfied with my stay here, so I am coming home. It was an adventure indeed and although I am a little sad to have it end, mostly I am just ready for the next. I have learned that it is not worth it to stay somewhere where you are under appreciated and taken for granted. I know that good things are coming for me, and I am excited to experience them.

Anthropology Museum

2009-11-15T21:53:00.001-07:00

Here are about a million pics from the Anthropology Museum

Thankfulness Blog

2009-11-15T13:30:00.002-07:00

Alright JoLynn, I am taking you up on your Challenge. But first, I finished the book of Mormon last night and took the challenge found in the last chapter, I asked God if it was true, and nothing happened. Then, today at church it was stake conference, and while we were giving our support to The prophet and other church leaders, I got goosebumps, I knew this church is the true church and I knew that the Book of Mormon is true, and it was an amazing feeling, because having felt it, I knew that I already knew all of this. It was a really great experience for me.
Now, on to my thankfulness, I also composed this list during church today, it just kept growing so here goes:

Things I am thankful for
My family
My friends
Holidays
Good food
Bookstores (especially those with coffee shops, that is like my all time favorite smell, books, and coffee combined.)
Consistency
Maritza
My extended family
My dogs
The knowledge that you should hate the sin but love the person committing it
Museums (all kinds, art, history, everything)
Trees
Mountains
Camping
Christmas (particularly this year)
Eyes
Shoes (I love shoes! But I don't actually love wearing them)
Fruit
Strong Values
My quilt
School
Good talks
Curling up to a book
Swimming
Baking cookies
A body that usually works pretty dang well
The internet
Stars
My Testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
The holy ghost
Missionaries
The smell of rain
The color green, and all other colors for that matter
Homemade anything
Tammy and John McNaughton
Advent Calendars
My past Young Women's leaders
Taking random trips
Free time
Knowledge
Flowers
The temple
English
Jackets
"My" Young Women
Sundays
Movies
Sleepovers
Denny's runs
The priesthood
Animals
General Conference
People who love me
Chocolate
Target
Panda Express
Email
Pie
Hard things that happen, but always end
Hand holding
Having a voice
Freedom
My salsa class
cereal
Kisses hello on the cheek
An open mind
Freedom from addiction
Burt's bees
prayer
Faith
America
Cheesecake
You've got Mail
Fast Sunday
Priesthood Blessings (I really miss those)
Good Examples
My Spanish class
Getting packages
Bread (possibly my favorite food out of everything)
The Prophet
Diversity
Truth
Snow
Music
Hot Chocolate
Having people to talk to
And I am sure this list is too long already, so I will stop, but there is so much more to be thankful for. Being here in Mexico has made that even more obvious to me. It turns out though, that being a nanny is harder than it seemed. That there are days when I just want to go home, and I wonder if I really made the right choice. And that makes things difficult, but I am experiencing a new culture and learning a language, and I am safe, so I have a lot to be thankful for.

Phew, it's been awhile

2009-11-08T13:32:00.002-07:00

I feel like it has been a really long time since I have last written, so I am now finally composing my blog post. Life is interesting. I made this decision to become a nanny and I was so excited to come, I could hardly wait, and now, I am going home for Christmas in 36 days and I am at least as excited if not more. What can I say, being a nanny is hard, I need people.
It is almost Christmas and I am so excited. I love Christmas and have loved it forever. In the past I have tried to claim that Halloween was my favorite holiday, but it is not. Christmas wins. I believed in Santa Clause for an especially long time, this fact should probably embarrass me, and in the past it did, but I love the idea of Santa and I wanted to hold on to it for as long as possible. I am usually a very logical and especially literal person, but when it came to Santa, I made all kinds of ideas and theories to support his existence. I had friends who didn't believe, who even helped their parents play Santa and still I held on. Convincing myself that Santa just stops coming when you stop believing, it made sense to me. I suppose I just liked the idea that someone who I had never met cared enough about me to try to make my Christmas special. And yeah, at 13 I finally gave in to the idea that maybe Santa is more of an idea than an actual person. It was sort of crushing, I had been hiding the truth from myself forever, I really just wanted to believe. Even now, I cannot sleep on Christmas eve, I maybe get 2 hours in before I am bounding up the stairs to check out my stocking with my brothers, who, came to grips with the truth at younger ages than I.
I love buying Christmas presents, and making cookies, and singing carols while drinking hot chocolate. I love how happy everyone seems to be, and how there is an emphasis on kindness. I love Christmas movies and Christmas traditions, I love the tree and the lights everywhere. I love the snow, and I love that it gets cold so you can sit at a window with hot chocolate and read a book with a blanket. I love Christmas, and I know this is far to early and that I am breaking like a million rules by blogging about Christmas before thanksgiving, but I feel compelled.
Now, you are probably thinking, what a nerd! And it is totally true, I embrace my nerdiness. But I thought I would give you an update on my thoughts and since this is currently what I am thinking about, you get to hear it, if you choose to read my blog. I also included some pictures of Halloween and a couple of others. I miss you all, and will try to be a little more consistent with my blogging.

Hi

2009-10-25T17:20:00.002-06:00

Okay, so I have this problem with blogging, I always have all of these amazing ideas of what to say and how to say it and then I sit down at my computer and it all goes away and then you get stuck with whatever is left for me to say... so, I am really sorry for that, but there isn't really anything I can do.
I started my Spanish class last Monday and it is really amazing! In my class of 10 students there are 2 from Taiwan, 1 from China, 2 from Japan, 2 from Korea, 1 from Kenya, 1 from Germany, and me, from the United States. It is an amazing opportunity to take a look at different cultures and get to know a bunch of really cool people. In my Salsa class which is the companion class to Spanish, there are about 40 students, 2/3 of them guys, which I found really surprising, and the people are from all over the world, too many different countries for me to name them all, but I will mention that there are a couple of really cute boys from Quebec with really nice accents. Petty, I know, but I mean, I am nineteen years old, I can be petty every once in awhile.
We are learning really quickly, we cover a unit every week and I feel like my Spanish has already improved. In fact, today at church people were saying hello and talking to me, and all of them said, your Spanish is better! Que bueno!
As much as I am really loving the experience here, I have to say that I am learning that I most definitely would not want to be a nanny for life. I want my own family with my own cute little kids that I can choose how to raise, and raise them in an environment where they do not learn that smoking and drinking are totally appropriate parts of adult life and that screaming and freaking out is not the best way to get what you want. I am grateful for my background in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, it has allowed me to avoid some serious mistakes I may have otherwise made, and it helps me to be accepting of everyone no matter what choices they make or where they come from, because I know that they are all just as much God's children as I am, and they deserve equal respect. Although this does not seem to be the attitude that every LDS person has, it is the only attitude I can feel right about, knowing what I know.
I am also learning of my serious dependency on my friends, and the library. Here, I cannot just call someone up to hang out whenever, and I do not have nearly the access to books I have at home. Both of those things are so hard for me to deal with. I miss reading, not that I don't read here but I just do not have as much opportunity or as large of a diversity of books to choose between, so, I am left a little at a loss. Books have always been an outlet for me, a place to find friends when your friends aren't available, and finishing a book has always been a bittersweet experience. I get so into it, I may as well be living a book as I read it because it seems just as important as normal every day life. So here in Mexico I am lacking my real truly great friends, and a lot of my friends on paper. And that, is hard. But, I am making new true friends, learning about a different culture, working on my third language, gaining access to delicious food, and getting paid for it. So I have NO right to complain, none at all. Thanks everyone for reading this post and feel free to check out the pictures hanging out below. :D

Hello Again

2009-10-17T19:36:00.002-06:00

So the funny thing about my life in Mexico is that I expected it to be SO different, but it turns out, life is life where ever you are living it. I do the same things just in a different place. But still I figured it was time for an update. So, here goes:
I am learning how much I am dependent on people and my ability to easily communicate with them. At home I took for granted my ability to call a friend whenever, have someone I could potentially do something with every night, and have so many people I love at such a close proximity. It is really hard for me to not have that option, really hard. And before I came here I was just starting to spend a lot more time with a lot of other people, and now that I can't, I am really missing it.
But, here, I have Maritza and she is really amazing. The most amazing thing about our friendship is that we totally understand each other despite the obvious language barriers. I don't know how but somehow Maritza Spanish makes sense to me, like i understand. It is amazing, really.
Okay, I don't really have to much else to say, so I will have to post more later, but I miss you all!

Howdy!

2009-10-04T14:11:00.002-06:00

Hello everyone,
It has been awhile since my last post so i have decided to blog again, even though nothing too exciting has happened. It is really weird, but life here is just normal, I just happen to be in a different country living it. Last night was Max's birthday party with his friends, he just turned 19. I went to the party for awhile and it was okay but honestly pretty lame. He and his friends were drinking and smoking hookah, and I have to say that you can only say no so many times before you should leave and get out of the situation. So i did. Max was like, "oh yeah, you don't drink alcohol, that's too bad." And I just left and went down to my room, this morning at breakfast, I was feeling good and having a wonderful beginning to my day while he was stuck with a serious hang over. Yeah, that really is too bad. Hmmm... am I sounding a little bitter and sarcastic? Maybe, but mostly I am just feeling good to have standards that I stick to.
I have been missing some crazy things, like things I hardly took advantage of when I was home, I just miss having the option:
Big Walmarts
Target
My puppies
Having many brands to choose from
Library
Being able to call my friends, whenever I want
Texting :) although not as much as one would think
My young women
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
My bike
English
Making Cheesecake
Peanut butter bars (Kristen, they are not fingers)
Fall Colors
A wide music selection
And much more, ESPECIALLY my friends and family
But, besides missing some things, I am having a really good time, I start a Spanish course soon, and I am so excited! It will be great to actually be able to talk to people, I feel like a bit of a jerk not speaking the language here. Which makes me feel serious compassion for people living in America who do not speak English. I think the general assumption is that people who immigrate to America and do not yet speak English, no matter how long they have been here, choose not to speak English because they do not care to learn it. I believe that is far from the truth. The thing is, it is really hard to learn a new language, and when you are first learning, it is scary and embarrassing to practice using that language on those who know it well, and it would not be difficult to let that fear and embarrassment prevent a person from trying at all. But in America we tend to try to shoo those immigrants out the door, letting ourselves believe that they are just being lazy and lack the desire to learn, while here in my experience everyone I have met has been very forthcoming in offering assistance however they can to aid me in learning Spanish or with anything else that I need. So this makes me wonder, why is our focus on their inadequacies and not on how we can help them overcome? Seriously, why aren't we reaching out to our neighbors and being the Christlike persons we say we are? I want to be like Christ, I am learning that I really love people and want to help everyone, and that people are not so different as they seem.
Finally I am making a few changes in my room, trying to make it more, MINE. So far my changes have only been putting a couple of pictures up on the wall, there are already plenty from Antonia but now there are a few from me.

2009-09-22T17:00:00.002-06:00

I went to Acapulco this last weekend and it was amazing and beautiful. Our hotel was right on the beach! It was great, but apparently if you are a 6 or 8 year old boy, you would rather swim in the pool than at the beach, so I only got to spend about 20 minutes out of the whole 2 days on the beach, super sad. I have never lived near the ocean and this was only my third trip to a beach but I must say that I feel so at home near the ocean. It is beautiful and peaceful and I love the perfect sound of waves hitting the sand. I have been thinking a lot lately about a lot of different things, and the thing about making a major scary decision like this is that it makes you feel that you can do anything, and I really do. I am making a plan for myself and my future and I am liking the looks of it. But anyways... major tangent... back to Acapulco. It was so humid there, the air was like water, and as evidence, I now have a killer cold, but it will go away soon I hope. I am having a good time here and I am so glad that I made this decision and had this opportunity. That is not to say that it is easy, because in fact, living in a country where you don't speak the language without your friends and family nearby is pretty hard. I really miss everyone, but still I would not miss this opportunity for the world. Well... maybe for the world :D One not so happy peice of news is that coco has been given away. I loved that dog so much even though I only knew her for 3 weeks or so... and I was so sad when she left, I cried more than was merited perhaps but what can I say, I am a crier. Otherwise, things are good and I am happy. Check out the pictures, it was beautiful there!

Cuernavaca

2009-09-13T12:36:00.001-06:00

Hi everyone! I just went to Cuernavaca last week and it was AMAZING!!! I took Like a million pictures, so bear with me, please :D It was so beautiful! A couple of pictures are just from at the condo... the bug is one that is very rare and native to Mexico City, Carli and Otti caught it while we were insect searching. THe other people in the pictures are Belin, Milo (meelow), Chiao, and Antonia. I just met them the night before we went to Cuernavaca, well except Belin. It was crazy because they all spoke only Spanish, and we were together all day having a blast! I understood a lot! The soup is what we ate at this little restaurant by the Market, it was really good! The tropical looking pictures are of the huge park in the middle of the town, it was so cool! There is also a picture of the castle there, it was built on top of some ruins of a Pyramid, well... they weren't ruins until the castle building people decided to tear them down!

2009-09-07T08:26:00.007-06:00

Here are a whole bunch more pictures! THey aren't in any particular order, so just have fun looking!
Max

My delicious, finished plate of cake

me in front of the park

Ham and melon hours devours

Grape and cheese

The Garden

ANd more garden...

and more garden

Fresh orange juice from a vendor in the park

Drinks at the party

Curry

Condo Administrator Guy

Coco on my bed

Me chopping

Carli and otto

Carli

Cake

Birthday

Belin, cooking (maritsa's daughter)

Belin and I

Me being amazed

My witch game

Attempts to put the wands in the right place

Hats

The finished witch

Entrance to the park

Pictures of mexico!

2009-09-03T11:15:00.017-06:00

Okay everyone! Here are some of the long awaited pictures! I was going to label them but that turned out to be the devil, so I decided against it! If you have any questions, feel free to leave a comment! Okay so now someone said I should caption... fine! Captions it is!
Yarri (she is a maid who doesn't live with us)

The Condominium

My room

more my room

even more my room

My room again... I love my room, so i am prone to take pictures of it!

The family roomish place

Look at all the books!

I love it!

Carli's room (otti has a room too but they both sleep in here.)

The bed is so sweet!

And here are a whole bunch of lego creations...

Ketchup... it was funny because someone just stuck a Spanish label over the normal one...

Dolces... sweets

Melon! Cantaloupe... it is so good here!

Coco

Egg and cheese pasta... the ultimate easy make it when you are lazy food here

Living room

Dining room

Sweet yellow Kitchenaid

Our water supply

The beautiful kitchen

Coco

More Coco, I love her guts!

My shower

Me at the house

Otti

Me at the mall

The guy who sold me my camera

My messy bed

Frida

A hiding coco

Carli

Maritsa

2009-09-02T10:41:00.002-06:00

Maritsa is probably my favorite person I have met in Mexico so far, actually, remove the probably! She is the cook and maid for the family that I work for, she lives with them, doesn't speak any english, is from Ecuador, and is absolutely amazing! I love to help her out in the kitchen, we have so much fun teaching each other words and laughing when we can't understand. Really, she is one of the coolest people I know, and she has a daughter who is my age that I just met today, who is also really nice. She is visiting from Ecuador for a couple of weeks.
Also, I finally got a CAMERA!!! So new pictures will be coming soon and lots of them! Be prepared!

One Week Out!!!

2009-08-26T16:16:00.002-06:00

Hi everyone! I have now officially been in Mexico for a week! It is so crazy! Things are going really well, but it turns out that Mexico City driving is definitely conducive to car sickness! But other than that things are pretty good. I went to church on sunday and that was definitely an experience! Pretty much no one speaks english here which is really hard and it took a long time to find anyone at church who spoke any at all! I found a guy who spoke enough to get me to the right class, a sister missionary who spoke enough to find out I spoke french, and speak that with me, and then finally a guy missionary who was pretty much fluent, and, might I add, quite attractive. So things got worked out pretty well. I also have gone swimming twice, learned a little Spanish, and found out that everyone here is really, really nice. Every time I meet someone new it is like, Beunos Dias! And a kiss on the cheek. Which I think is like the coolest custom ever, I think I will come back to America kissing everyone's cheeks. So sweet!

Mexico...

2009-08-20T21:05:00.002-06:00

Hi! Oh man I am so excited to be able to write on my blog, I admit, I am a little homesick for ENGLISH, even french would be nice, but still I am learning a little bit at a time but still learning. I have been getting those like homesick stomach aches, you know? like at night time when I am getting ready to sleep (I know this is ridiculous since this is only my second night here) I have to like read a few chapters in my scriptures and pray for a long time, and then it is okay. Really though, I love it. It is definitely different but not in a bad way at all. I have decided to try to become the me-est me I can be, thanks to the advice of a friend and as part of that I have decided to try everything, food wise at least like for example, I have now eaten Sushi (I actually like it! It was Salmon and it did not taste fishy at all! Amazing) Some sort of beet soup, Ratatouille, and a few new herbal teas. I am excited to go to church on Sunday, even though it will be in Spanish and I won´t be able to understand as well as I would like, It will be nice to experience something as familiar as church, I am hoping that my bishop will speak English so I can talk to him and hopefully get some visiting and home teachers set up. I have taken some really great pictures, but as is my luck, I have forgotten my USB cord for my camera and so I don´t know exactly what I will do. I miss you all and I hope that this finds you well!

Oh My Goodness!!!! MEXICO!!!

2009-08-13T18:07:00.003-06:00

Oh my gosh! I am really going to Mexico, to live, for a year! I have a passport and a plane ticket and I am SO excited! I leave on Wednesday of next week, I am like so crazy busy packing and getting ready to go, it is insane! I have to figure out what in the world I need to take with me, I'm dying of excitement! Wow... Sorry this is quite a lot of excited talking, I will write a more eloquent post when I have more thoroughly collected my thoughts.

My Puppies

2009-07-26T18:37:00.005-06:00

My dogs are amazing, I am silly but, i love them almost like people. And I promise you I would have turned out a completely different girl if I had never had them.

First, There is Piper
AKA Pipey, peed, pedey, pipeyanne, pipe and many other unexplainable names...

She is pretty much the most Beautiful, docile, friendly, caring, and empathetic dog you could ever meet. She lets children pull her hair and kick her without complaint, she sits by me and nuzzles in when I cry, And she sleeps on my bed. I love her so much. She is like the sister I never had and always knows the right thing to say, whether it be, nothing at all, or a lick on the arm and a soulful staring into the eyes. She is perfect, well except for the eating out of the trash thing.... But mostly she is just lovable, but sadly, she is super old, and I am going to go to Mexico in a month and I am scared to come home to no pipey, you have no idea how I will cry when she is gone.

Next is, of course, Sanora
AKA, Nord, Nordie, Nora, and floozy... (poor nord)

She is yet another beautiful dog, And a herder to the core, I remember running around in my youth and having a worried Sanora nipping at my ankles to keep me a part of the herd. Lately I have been trying to take her on hikes a lot, she LOVES it, especially Stewart Falls, where, not only can she hike, but also she can lay down in a river, and play fetch with sticks bringing a different one back every time. She is hyper definitely, but she is one of the sweetest dogs ever, she loves her family and hates fighting and fireworks, she barks and refuses to stop until the fighting ends. What a dog.

Drake
AKA Fartface jim deever, any part of the previous nickname, little poop, drakey, dwake, and a lot of other endearing, I promise, i mean them endearingly names.

He is a troublemaker and a cutie. It is so lucky for him that he turned out so dang cute because otherwise he would be so dang dead. I love him though, he has this look, with his tongue sticking out and his eyebrows all concerned that he never drops so, he tends to always look like a dork. So he has a dork voice when I talk for him or anyone does. His curls make him look like a gigantic teddy bear with teeth, and I just want to snuggle with him, but he wouldn't have that. He gets whatever he wants, he has a "tuffet" at our house that he lays on and he honestly thinks he is the king of everything, and who am I to say he is not! He is stinky, and naughty, but I can't get enough of him.

Lastly, Max

Max was the only dog we ever had who was really mine, through and through. I loved this basset like nothing else, I gave him kisses, stared into his beautiful sad eyes until one of us blinked, and cried when one day we had to give him away. He howled like a real hound dog should, he layed on my bed when the pile on the ground wasn't comfy enough for him, shared my food, and cleaned my face. His miniature legs didn't prevent him from being a speedy little guy, and despite the many problems he caused, I always loved him, and never wanted to let him go. I am glad to have known such a dog, I had to give him everything because he could play me for a fool with his mournful eyes, but I was glad every second to do whatever for him.

What can I say, I am a dog lover. Especially my dogs. They are my family, I call my nord and pipe my sisters, and although they can't use their words, they can certainly love and they know how to show it.

Mexico

2009-07-09T15:33:00.001-06:00

I have wanted to go nanny in another country for a long time, and now finally I am getting the opportunity. I am leaving on the 20th of August to go nanny in mexico for a german family. i will be in Mexico City in a really beautiful house with two really cute kids that I have talked to on the phone and a really nice seeming family. i am So excited I can' even handle it, I am having trouble even breathing normally! I have to get my passport real fast and buy a plane ticket which they will reimburse me for so I have to earn some money pretty quickly here so I can go. Mostly though I am just excited for this amazing opportunity to experience a new life in a new and different culture! Wish me luck, :)

My Dream

2009-06-27T12:36:00.003-06:00

This morning i woke up from a wonderful dream, like really this is my dream in a real sense more than just a thing that happens when you go to sleep, it is something i have wanted forever and ever. In my dream I was playing elfaba in the musical, Wicked! Can you believe it?! And I was doing a great job. I sound super cocky, but what can I say, I was. The one problem was that we didn't get to practice first so I was relying solely on my one time musical seeing experience to get through the part. Since I was little my dream has been to play a part on broadway, and this particular part would be perfect, PERFECT. Oh goodness i cannot even explain how good it felt to be doing exactly what I wanted to do, even though it turned out to be only a dream. So, I want to make it happen, from this point forward I want to try out for everything, and make myself who I really want to be. Who knows if it will ever happen for me, but I will work harder than anyone before.

What you want and what you get

2009-06-24T23:45:00.003-06:00

It turns out that not only do you not usually get what you want, but you also end up with something so different and ridiculous and unexpected and even opposite of what you want. And by you, i actually mean me but who knows, it might be true of you too. Ugh. It can make a person so angry to see all the not what you wants pile up and all the what you wants be tossed to the side because someone else has a different idea of what is good for you. But anger is probably not the best response, you know... maybe a different approach would be better but I can't always make the best choice. It is not possible. I can try and try and try but still mistakes will be made and dealing with it sucks, but is unnavoidable. What I want to say is, (to quote The Smiths) Please, Please, Please, Let me get what I want, lord knows it would be the first time. But it wouldn't be the first time, it would probably be the second or perhaps the third. And it is not to say that what i want always turns out to be what is best for me. But still sometimes i want to see how getting what i want would turn out. It can't always be such a bad thing. Someday, I suppose.

I made these!

2009-06-04T21:37:00.002-06:00

The Betsy

The Betsy-Long

The Ruth

The Olive Lee

I eventually will have an Etsy page set up to sell these on, but for now, this plug is all I have got, so if you are interested contact me any way you would like, or leave me a comment on this post.

Capitol Reef National Park

2009-06-01T18:16:00.009-06:00

If i were to name for you my favorite places in the world, this national park would HAVE to be one of them. I love it, have always loved it and will continue to love it FOREVER. And this sunday, for once in my life i actually brought a camera to it. Due to this wonderful demonstration of foresight, you will get to witness the joys of my terrible photography. Without further ado, things i saw in capitol reef
A horse Eating a tree

A pair of randomly discarded socks

A fire-hydrant

A heart shaped hole in the ground

A bridge

The flower Horton's city of who's is found on

A stop sign

Ants, and yes that is my finger blocking the lense

A naturally occurring staircase

A beautiful blue bellied lizard

And a whole bunch of AMAZING redness and greeness

Wow, I really really really really really really really really really really love this place!

To be a mother

2009-05-12T20:14:00.005-06:00

I have never been one of those girls who would answer, I want to be a mom, when asked the question "What do you want to be when you grow up." Oh, how I wish I was. But even now I really still am not, I mean I do of course want to be a mother, and recently, that desire has become so strong in me, it's like a burning. I really really want to be a mom. But also i want to be a million things, have a career and be able to honestly tell my daughters that they can do WHATEVER it is they want, no matter what it is. I feel, you know, a little on the evil side for even mentioning the fact that I want to be more than a mom, I know and have seen how truly hard and terribly important motherhood is and I have huge respect for all mothers, but for myself at least, I want to get all the education I can and take advantage of all the opportunities that come my way. (somehow I have made myself out to be a complete jerk, which perhaps I am but I did not mean this at all in a jerkly way) This does not mean that I will put motherhood or starting a family on hold for a career -not that family starting is even a remote possibility for this 18 year old girl at the moment- but I do want to become everything I want and not just a part of who I could be. Sorry this is like the choppiest post ever but I hope I got my point across, I really want to be a mom, and I will be. But I also want to be a chemist and a linguist and a chef and an actress and a singer and a forensic scientist and a doctor and a lawyer and about a million things on a list that I should probably be narrowing down by now. Once I do, I will accomplish everything I feel is important, and just you wait until I have kids, they will be dang cute!

Defying Gravity

2009-05-04T23:22:00.001-06:00

I went to see wicked on saturday with my aunt Sandy and it was absolutely amazing, I have been waiting to see it seriously for probably 4 years, I know every song by heart and I feel like elfaba and I should be best friends. I love the song Defying Gravity, it makes me feel like I can and should do whatever I dream and I feel understood. Sometimes things that seem bad are good and no one else really has the right to tell you what to do with your life, even when they are only trying to help. We are the only ones who know the whole story about our lives and when other people try to judge us for making what is in their opinion the "wrong" decision it is not their call. Decisions are hard and sometimes to make the right ones we have to go against what other people think and sometimes they cant understand. More than anything though, I want to defy gravity, I want to prove to the world what I am worth and I promise it is more than a little. I can and will do great things even with the major stumbling blocks that seem to always be placing themselves in my way. Everyone has lives full of hard, the important thing is to find the good behind the hard. Thank you Wicked for inspiring me, and seriously everyone if you haave a chance to go see it anywhere, take it, it is amazing and SO worth it.

Dreaming

2009-04-29T09:56:00.003-06:00

So this song was playing through my dreams last night. It had nothing at all to do with my dreams, it was just like I had a song stuck in my head, lucky for me it was Flight of the Conchords and so worth listening to. Sadly I do not know all the words so I just heard over and over, a kiss is not a contract, but it's very nice, it's very very nice. Check it out.

Truth

2009-04-20T09:22:00.002-06:00

SO I have been a little bit sick as of late, not exactly your average got a cold sick, but more of a slight been passing out a lot for the past few months, changing my life a little, Jed Christensen had to catch me the other night before I hit my head on a wall kind of sick. It's ridiculous and I feel like a major complainer even blogging about it but I figure people who read my blog see me occasionally and may want to know what the heck is going on if I fall on my face and don't get up for awhile the next time I see them.
SO, here goes... (notice how I started two consecutive paragraphs with the word SO... not a promising start, but bear with me, or don't, your choice) Anyway, like three months ago pre-gallbladder surgery I started passing out, they thought it was a potential symptom and so we got rid of the gallbladder and though thankfully it did completely eradicate my stomach pain it did not remove the slight inconvenience and complete scariness of frequent loss of consciousness. I have started seeing specialists, first a cardiologist, my heart is just fine :) and now a neurologist, and my brain, no surprise is a little off. My EEG readings are irregular which means something... What, you ask? I don't actually know yet, but it sounds promising. Anyway.... things aren't too bad, i just have to limit myself, and be a bit more dependant on others than I would like.
To be honest I get so frustrated I could hit someone, but if I were to try, I would probably fall down before I made contact. That is an exaggeration, and honestly I don't really like to hit but I do get angry and stressed and worried that they will never figure this out and I am not the amazing sort of person that can just deal with things forever and ever and not breakdown, no way. I mean maybe I could become that person if that situation does arise but at the moment I like my freedom, and I want it back! For the most part I am fine, my average day is pretty good I can do normal stuff and survive it, good days I can do a lot and then, of course there are bad days, days where crying seems like the best option. But I am happy, and on some blood pressure raiser uppers that make things a lot better than they were a month ago. Life is funny, and hard, and has a way of not turning out the way you planned, but I suppose when all is said and done it will be better than I could have imagined.

Tagged by Kristen

2009-03-24T13:19:00.002-06:00

8 FAVORITE TV SHOWS
1. Numb3rs
2. House
3. Charmed
4. What not to Wear
5. Project Runway
6. The Office
7. Law and Order SVU
8. Alias

8 THINGS I DID YESTERDAY
1. Slept in too long
2. Made Chicken
3. Watched Alias
4. Wrote in my Journal
5. Prayed a real Prayer
6. Read my scriptures
7. Read Wildwood Dancing
8. Thought

8 THINGS I LOOK FORWARD TO
1. Going to see my Grandpa and Larry this Weekend
2. Getting married some day
3. Deciding what to do with my life
4. Reading actual literature
5. Feeling really really good all the time
6. Going to europe and eventually living there at least for awhile
7. Becoming talented at cake decorating
8. Swimming again

8 FAVORITE RESTAURANTS
1. Cracker Barrel
2. Apollo Burger
3. Olive Garden
4. Bajio
5. Panda
6. Sensuous Sandwhich
7. Wendy's
8. Denny's

8 THINGS ON MY WISH-LIST
1. to go really far away and just experience life for awhile
2. Law and Order SVU on DVD
3. France
4. My bills to all be paid
5. some Jesus Shoes
6. Hair that comes with a button that allows me to make it do whatever I fancy
7. To become a fashion designer
8. Cheesecake or icecream... something sweet, PLEASE!

Tag you're it
Jo Lynn
Brenda
Ashley Hall
and whoever else feels the desire...

Pedicure!

2009-03-10T15:44:00.002-06:00

So last night I got a serious urge for a pedicure, so this morning I indulged. I'd never had one before so I don't even know where the urge came from but come it did. And it was absolutely amazing! They made my ridiculously callousy feet smooth and I am so happy with it! And my toenails are pink with cute little flowers on them. The 25 dollars it cost me was totally worth it.

I'm Sorry.

2009-02-10T13:20:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I can really screw things up for people. I am really sorry. Maybe it's just part of being a person.... And for anyone wondering, I got my gallbladder out friday and hopefully will soon be completely healed.

Who'd have thought!

2009-01-23T13:19:00.002-07:00

I am taking a religions of the world class at my school and I am learning so very interesting things. In church we always talk about how like most religions contain at least some portion of the truth, but for some reason in my head that translated to, most christian religions contain truth. But i have now changed my mind on that note. I am currently learning about Hinduism and to some degree I was shocked at the major connections and parallels between, Hinduism, and Mormonism. Although from the exterior it may appear that Hindus worship many different gods, in reality they believe that you can worship whichever god you choose as long as it leads you too the ultimate reality of Brahman. Brahman is a sense of complete unity with everyone around you, an idea that I believe connects exactly with the LDS desire to create zion. Zion is sometimes thought to be a literal place but in actuality, it is more of a oneness in heart between all people who believe in what we know to be the true reason for our existence. Also, we believe we are all brothers and sisters as part of one eternal family which I find to be a great parrallel between the two. The last connection that I have thus far discovered, is between the idea of the veil in mormonism, and Maya in Hinduism. The veil and Maya are both ideas that we have forgotten the true purpose for our existence, and that our time on earth is to be spent rediscovering that truth. It is amazing to me how close those similarities are. I know of course that there are many differences between the two churches but that does not mean that they cannot share some of the same core beliefs, and why shouldn't they? Any desire for goodness is commendable and differences in approach are not ours to condemn.

An open mind

2009-01-13T19:37:00.003-07:00

College is interesting, everyone makes it sound like this totally 'mazing place filled with open-minded learners, especially my college. And to some point it is true. But honestly, some people there are not open minded, but closed-minded about different things, and that isn't okay. If you are to be open-minded, you should be all around open-minded. I occassionally fear that I may be too open-minded. I believe that people should do whatever it is that they want to do, good or bad, nice or naughty. That is not to say that i cheer for the bad choices made in the world, but i do respect people's ability to make them, as long as they are willing to face the consequences. I also do not believe in denying rights to people with a different blief system than my own, I believe that a person should be able to make their choices based on their beliefs, not my own. Honestly, I think this is how I am supposed to think, so I am okay with it, completely. But if I at some point cause you offense, I am so sorry.

I FOUND IT!!!

2009-01-08T06:32:00.001-07:00

I really should get something bigger to put my cards in.

Things

2008-12-31T12:59:00.002-07:00

Hey, I'm writing this blog because I am overdue for a new one. Life, is really crazy. Sometimes I finally think I have got it all figured out,and then something crazy happens, and I am confused again. And I am not saying that this is a bad thing, just a life thing. And sometimes, sometimes I get so tired and I am so ready to be like, you know, please, just bail me out of this one, PLEASE. And when I finally think to pray about it, it gets better like immediately, and it doesn't always make sense, because sometimes I feel better, but nothing has changed. And sometimes everything changes. You just have to ask. The problem is, that the prayer solution is just too simple,so I never think about it, until I'm in deeper than I ever needed to get. Another life saver has got to be music, I love to sing, and I love music. A song can inspire, improve your mood, make you smile, and sometimes make you cry. And I think it's awesome. SInging reminds me that life is fun, and that i have more worth than i give myself credit for, and it is wonderful. I just don't do it enough anymore. Thanks for reading :). My mother will probably read this blog and be super offended because I started like unto a hundred sentences with the word and, which is a strictly forbidden practice in the english language. But it's okay, I'll survive. Oops... but isn't allowed either.

UGH

2008-12-20T22:57:00.003-07:00

So pretty much this blog will be about boys, if you couldn't guess by the title :). So the problem is that Some people always get the luck with them while others are left to figure things out for themselves. I happen to be one of the second variety. Luckily, there are drawbacks to either type which makes it A LOT easier for those of us without the crowds following them around... But mostly this was just a lame excuse of a blog so that I could publicly complain about my lack of boys. But seriously, I am even jealous of ugly betty! In the first season, 3 different guys fall in love with her! What the heck!? Her name has ugly in it! Actually she is pretty cute and she is really nice so she deserves it, but heck! Have you seen me?! I deserve it too! Haha... just kidding, but it's kind of true. The end...

Invention

2008-12-10T21:45:00.003-07:00

So Christmas time always makes me think of this really embarrassing memory i have. One year around Christmas, back in my days of extreme innocence, I was wrapping presents, and we had the see-through cellophane wrapping paper stuff that is really staticy. While experimenting with this cellophane i found out that if you took a small piece of cellophane and wrapped it around a normal roll of wrapping paper it would cling to itself and not allow the wrapping paper to unwind. This particular roll of cellophane had the phrase "ho ho" stamped on it. Elated with my new idea I ran to tell my mom of my invention, I explained what it did and gave it the title of "Ho Ho Hookers" For some reason my mom was not as happy with this title as I was. She told me that it was actually kind of naughty and I of course began to cry. In those days I did not know the meaning of the words which I chose to title my invention, but now I do. And I think my mom may have been right in preventing that particular name to title my invention.

2008-12-09T16:34:00.004-07:00

I hate it when people don't blog for a really long time because I get bored of seeing the same post every time I get on. So I just thought I'd write a couple of words so peeps don't get too bored of mine.

2008-12-09T16:34:00.001-07:00

SICK

2008-12-03T10:25:00.003-07:00

I thought I'd post about this because I'm stuck at home super bored and this, being the underlying cause, needs to be spoken about. Thanksgiving weekend I was sick so I stayed home from Idaho and pretty much just took over my friend Aubree's life, that is to say I went with her family for thanksgiving, went to a family party with them saturday, and used her as my ambulance when I passed out in my bathroom saturday night. Luckily she is one of those great friends I have who somehow manages to still love me. Another one of these friends is Kristen Hendriksen who, came to the hospital emergency room and chilled with us awhile, and then bought me plenty of healthy fruits and vegetables. SO now, the story of the sickness. Wednesday: I was sick, stayed home from Idaho, Threw up, felt better, had Aubree sleep over. Thursday: Felt fine in the morning, but thanksgiving dinner made me hurt so badly I wanted to die, and I didn't even eat that much, dang it. Friday: Pretty sick, still went to do some shopping with Aubree and Brian, started getting sicker, eventually got a blessing from Aubree's dad and Rylan and returned to their house. Saturday: So sick, but still went to a pokemon tournement with Rylan,and a family party with all of the Chords. Saturday night was eventful enough that it deserves its own heading, so, Saturday night: I got home, was super dizzy, and eventually passed out. Then, I proceeded to text Aubree and then call her and leave a message that I cannot even remember, it probably made no sense, but she got the point and called me back, then she came to get me. So we went to the ER and I could hardly walk so she was my walking stick, we got in, I got an IV, there were plenty of good looking guys working that night, we laughed about reflexology while I tried to breathe at a normal rate, and the doctor came, poked me in the stomach and declared that I had all the symptoms of a bad gallbladder. Shoot. So, in the end we were in the er for around 4 hours, I got an ultrasound, peed in a cup, had blood taken, and was fed some antinausea junk through the IV that pretty much saved my life. Finally when I could leave we went to Aubree's house, watched a movie, and then went to sleep for a really really long time. And I've pretty much just kept sleeping since. I have a test tomorrow to see if my gallbladder is broken, and then we will proceed as is appropriate. SO over all I just want to say: Thank you Chords! Thank you Aubree! Thank you Kristen! And thank you everyone who cares.

Tithing

2008-11-26T11:11:00.004-07:00

So, I just have to say that tithing is pretty much the biggest blessing giver in the world. Last saturday I borrowed a friends car to go to salt lake, and the trip went just fine, until upon arriving home, I decided to fill the car up with gas. I got to the gas station, slid my card and got ready to fill it up, when I realised that I had no idea how to pop open the gas cap cover thing... So i searched and searched and couldn't find the button so I got ready to leave. Before leaving I checked the screen and it looked like my card had cancelled. So I went home and found out where the button was and was off again. I returned to the gas station a few hours later and put about 6 dollars of gas in. When I got home I checked my balance, and i only had a few dollars in my bank account which suprised me because I had over a hundred when I had left. A charge was on my balance of 100 dollars that I was supposed to have charged at the gas station about 2 minutes after I had left. My card had not really cancelled, and whoever went after me had charged their gas to my card. I freaked out. I mean this was ALL of my money, ALL of it! So I called the bank, they were closed, and called the lost or stolen card number and they couldn't help me, (side note: I love how they put that number on the back of your card! Like you'll really have your card around to see the number if it's been lost or stolen! oy...) So finally I went to the gas station, and at that point they couldn't help me yet. So I spent the day freaking out, and on sunday I went to church and paid my tithing with a check. I had to transfer my savings into my checking account to pay for the tithing but I thought it would be worth it. So, when monday came and my tithing check was yet to go through and I had less money in my account than could cover it, I was totally freaking out. The Irony of it all, My tithing check was going to bounce! Haha.. it's kind of funny when you think about it... But anyways, on tuesday I went to the bank and after talking to them I found out that they couldn't help me yet, so I was destined to have my temporary poorness. Dang dang dang... But here comes the blessing: Yesterday night when I checked my balance, the charge was completely gone, not like canceled, but like it had never happened in the first place. My money was back, and seriously I cried. SO the moral of the story? When in doubt, PAY YOUR TITHING.

Fruits Basket!!!!

2008-11-15T18:37:00.003-07:00

I just started watching this show, called Fruits Basket, it is an anime show that my friend aubree has started me liking. I was slighly suspicious at first, but after watching the first episode I was totally hooked! So thanks Aubree! But this show, seriously you should spend some time watching it because it is really awesome! It is about the zodiac and people who have been born to live as one of the different animals of the zodiac. It's pretty cool, and it makes me laugh. It has all the lameness a good show needs along with amazingness that makes it totally worthwhile. And sorry, this is definitely the worst blog I have ever written... but the show is good :)

The Amazingness of Kristen Hendriksen

2008-11-12T17:44:00.002-07:00

SO my friend Kristen pretty much said that I needed to write a blog about her so that she could comment on it, so I decided to take the opportunity and write about her. For starters she has very nice eyes, very nice. And this is a trait i take total advantage of every time I say something that offends her. But it's not a lie, they really are super nice! But also she is just so cool, she has like this quiet exterior but man when you get in a conversation with her you cannot stop laughing because she is so funny, and it is smart funny too. Oh gosh it kills me. Also, she is just so nice, like really if you need someone to talk to and just to be understanding, she is the one. And no worries, she is the most humble person ever. She would never ever ask someone to write a blog about how amazing she was, well actually she might, in fact, I think she did. Oh well, I love the girl.

It looks as though I have been tagged...

2008-11-11T08:43:00.002-07:00

I am: a person
I want: to go to france as soon as possible
I have: a nice smile
I dislike: yelling. At all directed at anyone.
I miss: Kali
I fear: not knowing where to go with my life
I feel: content
I hear: murmuring... it's a library dang it! Keep it down! :)
I crave: Icecream, or cheesecake... or pretty much everything else i do not have at the moment
I cry: A LOT
I usually: don't do my homework...
I search: for my phone...
I wonder: why my mouth is so small and yet i can talk so much
I regret: making mistakes
I love: hedgehogs
I care: about everything, probably too much
I worry: that i will never decide what i want to be when I grow up
I am not: normal... but it's okay
I remember: that i didn't do my psychology reading last night
I believe: that god loves me
I dance: not usually, but occasionally when i forget myself
I sing: a lot, and I love it
I don't always: Think before I speak
I argue: Me? Never...
I write: A comic books for the kids at my work at the moment
I win: NEVER
I lose: Oh gosh, what don't I lose
I wish: I could date more... A lot more :D
I listen: to everything
I don't understand: Oh man... so much
I can usually be found: on the bus
I need:to be more considerate
I forget: I would forget to breath if my body didn't do it on it's own
I am happy: when I am with my friends

So Tag You're it: Kelsi, Aubree, Becky So You Had Better Blog

2008-11-02T19:15:00.002-07:00

"She knew little about him, yet she felt that she knew him better than anyone in her life, understood the essentials of him, the shape of the spirit that lived in his heart, the strength of the heart that was the compass of his mind."
"He had seen many women more beautiful than she was.He had never seen one at whom he enjoyed more looking."
Okay so lame though this may sound, I totally want that kind of love, like really. I want to find someone who I know better than anyone else even though I don't know everything about them. And maybe that is not even possible, but if it is, I want to find it. I want to find it so badly. These quotes strangely enough comes from a book by Dean Koontz, it is called The Good Guy, and it is about a man who has been hired to kill a woman, and the man who decides to risk his life to save the woman even though he doesn't even know her. I found myself caught in this book, i wanted to finish, but at the same time i never wanted it to end. I wanted to be that woman who had found that kind of love for this man, who loved her more than anything. It sounds so wonderful, and so impossible, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.
I am only 18 but that doesn't stop me from wanting marriage and family and a career, and everything that life has for me. And I have no idea what is coming, I am at a place where anything could happen, anything, and I don't really know how to approach that. I mean wow... decisions decisions. And life is crazy, I mean honestly you can never guess what will happen next, what trials or blessings are around the corner, and that inability to know makes it hard. We have to make decisions without knowing their outcomes, but luckily we have guides, spritual, physical, and emotional guides that we find in those around us, and also in our god.
Whoever it is that you love, and whoever it is that you decide to worship, even if it is not the same god that I have found, I hope they guide you on your path. I hope you find what needs to be found, because someday we will be shown are lives, and I for one want to be able to look back with confidence knowing that I did what was right.

Addicted

2008-10-04T13:06:00.002-06:00

This seems like a serious topic, and at many times it is. But, on occasion, it actually is not. I am suffering from a MAJOR peach addiction. THis addiction, is new, and quite enjoyable, healthy, and delicious. We recently have discovered the miracle of a peach tree in our yard, it has always been there, but only this year has it actually managed to produce edible peaches. And the word edible is the greatest understatement in this instince. THey are wonderful, delicious, fantastic, perfect, and running out. Which means withdrawal is soon to come, and I do not know how I will survive without that delicious taste in my mouth. But I must go on... So, if you happen to have extra peaches, please send them my way.

DRIVEN

2008-06-29T12:53:00.003-06:00

Oh my! I just read seriously one of the most amazing books of my life! It is called Driven and is by W.G. Griffiths, and pretty much everyone should read it! Especially if you like to read, which, I do.It's kind of like a murder mystery but like with this amazing depth to it. It explores, God and heaven and the devil also, and I know that the ideas explored aren't true, but it makes an interesting read, and it is very well written. I just love it! I especially like the fact that it was a really intense book, and definitely adult, but even though there could have been innapropriate material it wasn't there at all, which is quite a surprise, considering a lot of recent literature. ANd okay honestly, I am not one to censor books, I believe in the freedom of expression and I think that if you remove any part of a book, it loses a part of its identity, as does the author. If I feel uncomfortable reading something, than it is my job to find something else to read, no author should be forced to conform to my beliefs. IT just shouldn't be done. Anyways... I am a bookaholic, like for real, ever since I started to read, which I admit was a little late, I have been unable to "quit" books. My mom has always said that I need a reading patch, but even if such a thing did exist, I would never, ever, submit. There is so much to learn through reading, you can experience things and places and even feelings that you have never even witnessed before, and it is absolutely amazing. And to be quite honest, odds are that if you ever call me at home, my nose is probably deeply nuzzled in the pages of my newest book.

RAWR (this will be a confusing blog but if you are interested in my life, it may be worth reading)

2008-06-25T20:36:00.003-06:00

And it came to pass that i did say rawr... but to be absolutely honest, I say rawr a great deal. It is one of my favorite angry words, but I do not limit myself to only say it when I am angry, I could not do that. I have no idea what in the world this blog is about.... I was the mc for the young womens fashion show today... to bad I am not the most fantastic of the mc's but i suppose, all together it was a worthwhile affair... GO modesty! Haha... um but okay I will get into the deep stuff now. Lately I have been thinking about marriage a lot, practically all the time, which is so weird because it is not like i am swimming in marriage prospects. But I guess it stems from the fact that I have just graduated from high school, and in the fall I will be going to college, and I am so very excited, but considering the fact that I am a mormon girl living in utah, generallyit is expected that you marry rapidly. Not to say that I would be unhappy with marriage. You see I have been realizing what it is I want in the person I marry, and how important a temple marriage is to me. I never knew how important it was until just recently I went to a friends brothers wedding, it was beautiful, and you could tell how very much they loved each other, but I could feel inside of me that they were only married for this life, and I want to be married forever. And you see that just brings up even more confusion, If i get married I don't want to rush into it, marriage isn't something that you play with, and I know it won't be easy, but it is imperative, and I want to make sure that the person I choose is someone I will love forever, and someone who will love me, just as much. And then I think about the other side of the matter, the disapointment an early marriage could cause for my family. You see I have always been like the one person in my imediate and extended family for whom education has been a serious priority, and I feel as though if I were to marry, everyone would think that I am crazy, which quite possibly, I am. But I don't even know why in the world I am even talking about this because, as of now, I am so not getting married. But I am GOING TO COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!! And I seriously am so excited, I have been waiting for college FOREVER. I like to learn, I like to meet new people, and I am ready to try living more on my own. I am just ready for a change! So, change, here I come!

Goals

2008-06-08T21:39:00.002-06:00

I have decided that more than anything else, I want to be a friend. I want to be the kind of person that people want to be with, the kind that is there whether things are going well or everything is wrong. I know that friendships are constantly being made and broken, and even when they are firmly established, they never cease to change. I am easily attached, and I try to always be considerate and mindful of people around me and though I am not always successful, it is something I earnestly try for. I love people and I hope that I can have the kind of impact that some of my greatest friends have had on me. I want to be the kind that people will want to stay friends with forever, the kind they know they can come to with any problem, and that whatever they need, I will give, if I can. I want to be the person to laugh or cry with, the one you can talk to for hours about nothing or everything, and the person you can go to if for one moment, you want to be put first.. That is the person I wish to become. I think that with people I already know, I am doing okay on this level, my problem is with people I have newly met. People tend to think I am shy which, to be quite honest, is true. Before I get to know people, I am the quiet one, the girl who doesn't talk much at all. I'd like to start not being that way, my problem is that I have no idea how, so it looks as though I am going to have to wing it... But to everyone who is already my friend, you have made an impact on my life that is forever, and I will not forget you.

Graduation

2008-06-01T19:47:00.002-06:00

It looks as though I have graduated but to be quite honest it does not feel that way at all. I feel the same, I am ready for my life to happen, but I've felt like that forever. I don't know, maybe I expected some like great change of heart or something, but that is not the way it works. See life is great, and it is funny, it doesn't work the way you plan it, because you can't always know what is right for you. We all make plans, things we want so badly that it hurts, and sometimes they don't work and for awhile it is absolutely crushing. But then a different path forms in front of your eyes and it's better than anything you could have imagined, it feels good. And it doesn't mean that everything is perfect, of course not. That would not be any fun at all. But it is better than you thought, and even though it is different, you know it is right and you are glad that you trusted. We can't see on forever in front of us, and we cannot even remember all the things that have already happened to us, so sometimes someone else can better know what we need.

Pieces

2008-05-22T16:35:00.001-06:00

Choices

2008-05-20T20:49:00.002-06:00

The problem with life is that often you are faced with many good things and you are supposed to some how find the right one and figure it out from there when you have no idea what to do... And seriously that is exactly where i am. I do not know what to do. I have a college to choose, a life plan to make and I don't even know what I want. Everything changes rapidly and spontaneously and I don't know who I really really want to be or more accurately what I want to be. i have always had many many goals and as they change and progress, I don't know what I am losing, or what exactly I have to gain. I want hapiness, and challenge, and everything great, and i don't really care too much about how it comes about, except that i want to happen the right way. I don't know...

Aaaaaaah

2008-05-15T15:03:00.002-06:00

I'd like to pretend that I don't care, if only I could convince myself. You know the way that people tell you everything happens for a reason, and even though you know it is true, it is so hard to make yourself believe it? I got turned down for france, and it hurts like literally it hurts, because I always always allow myself to get so attached to things that aren't even mine yet, and that quite possibly never will be. And then when I am certain that this one time what i want is going to be right and it WILL be what i get, it just isn't. But okay I know i am sounding so negative right now and I apologize but you have to realize that i just found out today, so it's fresh and new, and it smarts. SO of course I find myself wishing that i just did not care about anything, but that of course would make life a million times less meaningful, so it's okay. And now also I am left with a choice. I am just finishing high school and i need to decide what college i'll go to, or if really i just want to check with some au pair positioning place, and still go to france. And I really have no idea. I don't know what I want yet. I know that good things will happen and that everything will end up okay but for now it hurts. That's the way it is. SO I guess I need to just look forward and figure it out so I can be okay... or better yet, fantastic.

Don't even ask... I must be insane

2008-05-14T16:13:00.003-06:00

I have decided to blog more often, not because i have much of importance to say, but because I do have much to say important or not. Like for example, I just finished the most amazing book, wherein, I fell head-over-heels in love with some guy who does not even exist, but who, if he did would be perfect. No, he is not edward cullen, not to say that i do not enjoy reading about his statuesque features, and vampirish habits, but the book he comes from is not one I can truly call literary. No, his name is vidanric, sarcastic but incessantly sweet he holds tight to a girls heart and willingly she must fall in love. No choices. Though, if the choice was there, she would fall for him without a doubt. BUt sadly this from a book romance is not real and he does not exist... as of yet. So I will do my very best not to dwell on him too much. Also I took an AP English Language test today which was to be honest, most fantastic. Haha... Okay not so much... But I think i did right quite an essay on the need for pennies. Definitely voicey but i'm not so sure about its literary merit. Oh well whether I pass or not, that three hour boring spree is over, and for that I am eternally grateful. No lie.
In the past, I have written of things of actual importance, but for the moment i am content to say virtually nothing in as many ways as possible. Speaking of nothing comes easy, what is hard is to speak of real things with both knowledge and empathy. Usually I am pretty good at the empathy, and I tend to think I am knowledgable, only to later realize that I am slightly misinformed. BUt still I find it necessary to stand up for what I think to be true, even after I begin to doubt. For example yesterday my friend becky and I seriously got into an argument over baby carrots. Yes, Baby carrots. How sad can it get right? I assured her that they were once large carrots which had been cut into smaller more perfect shapes, but she was sure that they were only picked early. and for once in my whole life, I was right. (I looked it up)Haha! I win! Unless becky happens to be reading this, in which case, becky you were right as always and I apologize for any confusion.
In addition to apologizing to beck, I now feel that it is necessary that I apologize to everyone who is now reading this blog trying futiley (if that's even a word... I meant in a futile fashion or something...) to make sense of all this insanity... If you once thought I was normal I hope I have not decreased your opinion of me in any way. I am crazy. But who isn't?

France... or not

2008-05-12T17:35:00.002-06:00

A few weeks ago i heard about the opportunity of my life, and so so ready to grasp it, I called it mine and forged a beautiful, painful, one-sided bond. I want to go to paris so badly. So badly it almost could be considered painful, in a physical way, but not quite. See i have a chance to go be a nanny (Au pair if i'm feeling pompous) for nearly a year in paris, not texas but france, the real one. But I have not heard back in a difinitive fashion, and seriously i was dying inside. I am not by any stretch of the imagination a waiter, or a patient person. I want to go and i want to know now. But I don't. And yesterday in church i had an epiphany almost as painful as the not knowing. I care too much about this stupid little thing that for now seems so important. As great as it would be to go to paris, the point of life is not to do as many cool things as possible! This came as quite a serious shock to me... Our purpose here is to return again to god, to be like him and to have an eternal family. My goals, then, should be based on that one imperative belief. I need to focus on becoming who i need to be, not doing what i merely want to do. I need to go to the places that will lead to my own eternal family. I am only 17 and so of course this will sound really lame, but I need to be going to the places that will lead to me finding the man i will want to marry. Yes I know that is overly mushy but who cares, I'm a girl... I can hardly help wanting a boy. The great eternal kind, someone who will love me forever as i am, and who i can return that eternal love to, never faltering. I don't need marraige tomorrow, next week, at the end of the summer, or even in a year... and lets face it, maybe not even five, but i need to be doing what i can to be in the places i need to be. So that some day in the more distant future I will be able to have what i want and more importantly, what i need. And after this brief epiphany my wait became weightless... totally kidding... I can still hardly handle the anticipation, but my intentions are better, and for now that is good enough for me.

Friends

2008-02-28T20:33:00.002-07:00

i've written about friends before, i know i have, but my view has changed a little. See the things is that i have tried my whole life to never hurt anyone, especially people who i am closest to, and it seems i have failed, even with that as my ultimate goal. In trying to save my best friend from pain i hurt her, and i don't know what i am to her anymore. Hopefully i remain her best friend, but i have my doubts. Of course like most hurtful stories, it is, about a boy. I never would have guessed that some stupid boy and my stupid desire to help would cause a break if not forever, even just for now. ugh... see i hardly even want to talk about it, but of course i really do, otherwise i wouldn't even try. I kept something from her trying to protect her and when i finally told her, she was angry that i had waited so long. I don't like hurting people or telling things that aren't mine to tell but i know that this time i made the wrong choice. I wish i would have told her in the beginning, that would have solved a lot of problems, but in my mind i was doing the right thing so i stuck with it. Anyways, that part is over now. She ignored me for a bit and then we talked it out and made it okay. What made it especially hard though is that at the same time that all this was happening she was also getting to be close to this other girl, which is great, but it was hard to tell if she was avoiding me and our best friends or if she was just trying to spend time with her other friend. so the whole point of this all is that friends are the most amazing and the most confusing things in the world, and it is hard when things change. It's not that the change has been bad, she's still my best friend, but it's different, and takes adjustment. I'm okay with how things are but i hope they return to normal. I love my friends, they are everything to me, and i will do whatever i can to make things okay for all of them.

How to save a life

2007-08-07T18:29:00.000-06:00

The lesson I am trying to learn is how to save a person who will not allow theirself to be saved. I try to save the world neglecting myself while my friends try to remind me to save me. It is hard for me to see the importance of my own life if I cannot stop a person I care about from taking his own. My friends say that now I need to worry about me more than anyone else, and I'm trying but I find it hard to care. The Fray's song has one line that says exactly what my friends do for me "And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life," the difference being of course that they did know, and they did save my life. Still as much as I want to do right by them after what they have done for me I cannot forget about the others it seems I need to save. I feel like I am responsible for the lives of those around me, when they make a stupid decision, it is my fault. Sometimes I look at my life and can see only the failure, the sin, and the imperfection. The people around me are trying to show me who I am to them but it can be so hard to see. It is hard to believe I am good when I screw up so often, when so much goes wrong. So instead of thinking about me and my insufficiencies i think about other people and how I can save them. It is hard though when they wont listen when they wont believe that I care, because I do, so much. Sometimes my caring is lost, when a person will not talk to me and though I know it is not my fault, I cannot help but believe that I should have been trying harder. Maybe if I had just chosen the right words they would have opened up. Now when he talks to me his voice is dead and toneless his words express how little he cares and it scares me. I think to myself, "what did I do wrong." I tell myself that I can do this, that I can help him, but in the back of my mind lies the thought "what happens if I can't?" And really I don't know. I am trying to better myself, to become happy so that everyone else can stop worrying. I will fix this, I have to.

People Care

2007-07-22T22:05:00.000-06:00

sometimes the easiest thing to remember is the feeling of loneliness, and it seems as though no one could possibly care about you, because you are so small and insignificant. And then you find out that they do. This past monday, I had something of an interesting experience that reminded me that people cared. See I knew all along that people cared about me, but I didn't want them to have to be in a postion to prove it. See monday I was watching a late movie after work, we started it at like one o'clock and by around 2 thirty I was starting to feel really sick. My body was shaking and I felt like throwing up. I didn't want to leave because sitting next to me was my best friend, and her boyfriend who is my friend also but things are a little complicated. You see I like the kid, and my best friend knows but we are trying to find away to both be happy. I wanted to seem strong, I wanted to be strong. Awhile ago I told her that she should go out with him no matter how she thinks it makes me feel and I think I was right. No, I know I was right. We shouldn't both be unhappy when one of us has a chance at something amazing. So anyways, when I was beginning to think I was going to vomit all over the floor I got up and left, shaking like crazy. I went to the main bathrooms of the movies theatre but the janitors were in there so I had to go to the other bathroom. I went in the stall but I couldn't throw up and i just leaned against the side for a minute trying to remember how to breathe, until I couldn't stay anymore and I knew I had to go home. So I went to tell Aubree. I got up there and told her that I was going home and she asked if I was okay. Of course I said yes because that is just what you say to a question like that, and I told her that I just didn't feel very well. Then I walked down the theatre steps and started towards the exit, but she came up behind me and gave me a hug. Weirdly before it comforted me, it scared me like a million times worse than anything had ever scared me before. Then i kind of broke down. I was shaking so badly that Aubree had to help me sit down and remind me to breathe like a normal person. I remember that she kept asking me if I needed jarom to drive my car home, but I didn't know. Finally I said yes, and I am so glad that I did because if I hadn't I would not have made it home. So she helped me out to her car and Jarom went to mine. She drove me home. I was shaking so badly, I had never felt so out of control in my life, my body was shaking and I could not stop it no matter how hard I gripped the car. Aubree noticed of course and she was asking me if I was cold or if I was just shaking but I couldn't tell her, I didn't know. We passed a sprinkler and the water came in through the window hitting me and scaring me. I was confused at first about what it had been but I got over it. I could see that Aubree was scared and as sick as I felt it was worse knowing that I was scaring her. then we were at my house and she came around to open my door for me but I couldn't get out anyways. I felt so weak and so worthless and I knew that both she and Jarom cared about me. I also knew by the way she was trying to get me out of the car that she was going to break down and that she didn't want me to see it. I stood up, but that was as far as I could make it. I leaned against her car just bawling and knowing that she wanted me to be okay. And then Jarom came over and he asked me what was wrong, and I couldn't explain, I couldn't even explain to myself. They helped me into my house and they didn't leave until they knew that I was going to be okay. They really cared about me and it made me want to cry. I had never really seen Aubree cry before, and now I had and it was because of me. She was leaving for camp later that morning and i could not let her leave worrying about me. I made myself call her and tell her that I was okay even though I wasn't sure that it was true yet. All week I felt guilty knowing that I had made her cry, even though I knew it wasn't my fault, I felt worse about that than I was worried about what was happening to me. That night they saved my life, Aubree and Jarom, and I don't know if I can ever thank them enough. If I had tried to drive home, I would have never made it. It was amazing to see how much they could care, about me.

Wreck of the day/ Paper Bag

2007-07-01T12:00:00.000-06:00

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up.
On love, On love
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cuz love doesnt hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces
And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

She don't run from the sun no more
She boxed her shadow and she won
Said I can see you laugh
Through these bottle caps
And this wire around my neck ain't
There for fun

But someday we'll all be old
And I'll be so damn beautiful
Meanwhile I'll hide my head
Here in this paper bag
Cause if I cant see you
Then you can't see me
And it'll be okay
Fly little bee away
To where theres no more rain
And I can be me

Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like shes so tough
She says
"hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough"

But someday we'll all be old
And I'll be so damn beautiful

Meanwhile I'll hide my head
Here in this paper bag
Cause if I can't see you
Then you can't see me
And it'll be okay
Fly little bee away
To where theres no more rain
And I can be me

Some days I wade in the indigo
Singing that song on the radio
I blame these puddles on the rain
You know I gotta keep these cheeks dry today
Gotta keep my cheating strategy
And baby I'm gonna have it made.

But someday we'll all be old
And I'll be so damn beautiful

Meanwhile I'll hide my head
Here in this paper bag
Cause if I can't see you
Then you can't see me
And it'll be okay
Fly little bee away
To where there's no more rain
And I can be me

It's funny how sometimes music can describe exactly how you feel, even when you wish it wouldn't. These songs did that for me and, I don't know if I can ever listen to anything else again. The second verse of Wreck of the Day described how I was feeling exactly this past week. It couldn't be love, I was falling apart, it hurt too much and I was ready to give up. I really was. And when that song came on I was near a breaking point and I did my best to not cry while driving down the road. Especially that verse and the two lines: Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love, All my resistance will never be distance enough. I was so ready to just believe that it wasn't for me that I wasn't good enough, or pretty enough, or anything enough. But then the next song came on and it was so perfect and it made me stronger. I love the second verse in this one too, where she sings about the broken heart and how she pretends to be strong and okay when she isn't and it is so hard. And then it goes into the chorus saying that some day she is going to be so beautiful, everything will be okay, and she will be able to be herself. Last of all there is the part about the puddles and the cheeks, it's very descriptive of me and I admit it. So I know I will get over it, its hard but I can do it. Sometimes I believe my tears are a sign of weakness, but I know that they are just my reaction and they don't make me any weaker or stronger than anyone else.

HMMM

2007-06-24T18:04:00.000-06:00

I am a confused mass of emotion and thought. I am always thinking and always feeling. I am like a crazy emotional thought machine that cannot be turned off. No matter what I am doing, my thoughts are running wild. I think about books and science and art and boys and work and friends and my family. Even when I am asleep I am thinking I remember atleast one dream almost every night. They vary, there is an occasional dream that makes me never want to sleep again and then there are those ones I hold onto so tightly because I do not want to lose them, they are so perfect. And then, there are weird ones. Being a thinker can sometimes get me into trouble, I think of amazing ideas that are almost genious until they are ruined by minor "realities". My ideas sometimes lead to the laughter of my friends for years after the actual event. I am also a very literal thinker, like if someone were to perhaps tell me to look under something for scissors, I would probably lift it up and look under instead of checking the cupboard underneath, actually believing that they will be there. I will never live that one down.
Besides the thinking I also mentioned feeling, I am a laugher, and unfortunately a crier. When things are hard or I am tired or in pain, or I am just overly confused I cry. It is the way I deal with things though I wish it wasn't. I wish I sould deal with them by carefully thinking them over and coming to an intellectual conclusion within minutes. Instead, my face crumples, my eyes fill, unidentifiable noises exit my mouth, and I gain an excellent spotchy complexion. That is one thing I do not really like about myself, I cry easily and often although luckily it is usually more of a quiet streaming tear type of things. It is not just my own pain I cry for, I don't like for other people to need to cry so... obviously I join them. I do not like that other people need to feel bad ever, I want them to always be okay, and they can't be. But I do also laugh, sometimes this is an innoportune habit but it is more enjoyable experience. I really like those times when I make other people laugh however few they may be. Mostly when people laugh at me it is because I have done something stupid, but sometimes I am actuallly funny, and I like to see other people laugh.
In my mind everything is overemphasized, and everything has massive importance. I cannot make it through the day without thinking about some strange pattern that no one else can see, or analyzing the importance of the rain formation on my window ( is it picasso or monet.) I think now that I have thouroughlly explained the oddity which is my mind I should shut up before you think I'm crazy (for definition check blog titled "crazy"). So anyways i'm going to skeedadle. BYE!

Girls Camp

2007-06-11T09:40:00.000-06:00

I did not want to go to girls camp this year, last year had been a little... less than perfect and I didn't want to repeat the experience. You see, last year I kind of lost my best friend at girls camp, no big fight, no argument just "best-friendship," ended. It was funny (Ironic funny, not silly funny) because we had been drifting apart all year and I just didn't want to see it, and she didn't seem to care. Midway through camp she just left my cabin, and that was it. I had two amazing best friends back at home already, but I wanted this one, atleast at camp. So this year I stalled packing and I tried to think of good ways to get out of it, like getting hit by a car... without serious injury of course, or maybe a sudden case of the flue or something... anything. But on sunday I talked to some of my friends in my ward, pretending to be just as excited as they were and deciding that I had to go, even if I didn't want to, just to be with them. So I went.
Tuesday morning I woke up at nine o'clock hoping to get the last two episodes of season 2 of charmed in before going to camp. Ten minutes before the season finale of charmed was over Ashley Boice came to my door to pick me up, so I left, stuff and all, my mind still dwelling on the events in the oh-so-important episode of charmed as we headed for the stake center (due to my own excellent sense of direction.) As we loaded the bus I have to admit, my excitement built. Mia Shalom is definately on my list of the most beautiful places in the world, It's gorgeous, and I love it. That first afternoon it was fairly warm, windy but livable. We went to flag, performed our skits, and went to our cabins to perform our nightly rituals, story time with Sarah Christensen, and scripure reading with our individual cabins, you know the usual stuff. Then we went to sleep, alright so maybe sleep is exageration, I went into a state of constant waking up for about 6 hours.
The next morning when I first decided to glance out the window I witnessed an amazing sight... snow, which turned out to be a perpetual event for the next two days. So after my group [the rainbow dinosaurs (don't think too hard aubree)] made breakfast we retreated to the cabin for, seriously almost the rest of the day. Stuck inside the cabin I got to know the leaders and girls better than I ever dreamed was possible, and it was amazing. I watched as Ashley, a leaderr that I had never really known particularly well, became a friend and an amazing example, even as she danced around in her long johns putting on actual pants only to use the restrooms... interesting concept, eh? Laura Talbert, Sarah Monson, Abby Millard, all those other monson girls, and every single girl and leader at camp this year, they became friends, most of them already were, but now I knew them.
Wednesday the leaders brought dinner in, to us in the cabins, so we would not have to venture into the 20 degree weather. Now I need to explain what we loosely describe as cabins, they are small A-frame structures with holes big enough to see light and feel wind through, with the temperature of 20 outside the cabins were at a warm 41 so don't get excited thinking of our heated rooms with running wateer and clawfooted bath tubs. So wednesday night we were ready to go home and we thought we might be able to. Kirsten Little our camp director drove down the mountain on icy roads to make a phone call as Ashley gave us a much needed lesson on the importance of courage and we did our hair with pipe cleaners. When Kirsten came back we were all releived to see her safe and she told us that we were going to stick it out, and with our new found courage we cheered.
The next morning was about a million times more freezing and we began to decide who we would eat first if we had to go donner party. Our leaders came up saying that we were going home, and that it was time for us to pack up our stuff two days early. It was a bitter sweet moment, and we got packed up quickly. Then just as we had put the tie on the last sleeping bag we found out that we had to stay, and it was too much. I went into breakdown mode, I had wanted to stay, but I do not like to feel played with, and I did. I didn't eat much for lunch and I kind of sat around crying for awhile. My mom and I had talked to the stake leaders and I felt llike they ad taken the brunt of the blame, so I decided that they needed to feel our love. I thought we should write them a letter, and we did. When I went to the stake cabin with Brittany to drop it off, we found them sledding down a hill in garbage bags, and I decide that that was how I wanted to be: positive in a hard situation. So I joined them, breaking every rule available but finally I was happy.
The bishopbric came up that night with reinforcements in the form of extra sleeping bags, coats, hats gloves and hand warmers. Testimony meeting began in clearer weather with a lot of the ice actually melted. And the tomorrow promised to be beautiful, and it had better have been because it was to be my last day, and I wanted it to be amazing. At this point I almost wanted to stay at camp forever.
Friday was beautiful, and i did not want to go home at all, the only reason I could go home early was to take the ACT and I was not exactly looking forward to it so... anyways. But reinforced with dried mangos and all packed up I left for home, and the boredom TV had waiting for me. The charmed episode did not seem nearly as important although that didn't stop me from finishing it after a hot shower. So that was camp it was amazing and I am so glad I went.

Amazing

2007-05-27T10:58:00.000-06:00

Life is interesting, fun, boring, crazy, painful, and difficult. It's funny, but you can feel all of these things in one day. Sometimes life is so hard, and so painful, that it is hard to believe that you can actually make it through. I sometimes wonder how I can possibly last the day, and I believe that this trial is the one that I will not be able to conquer, the one that stops my growth. But really I know that this cannot be. I will never stop growing, I will never find a trial that I cannot conquer, and even if there is one so difficult I think I might die in the effort, I will do it, because I want to better myself. I am in no way perfect, I'm not even close. I am surrounded by amazing people, and it is often hard to believe that they should want to be friends with me. I have the most amazing friends EVER, and I really do not understand why they would choose to be friends with me. But they do. And that means that I must have some worth, if they want to be my friends, than I must be better than I think. You see, my friends are the kind that are always there for me, always. So, as I strive to improve myself, I am not alone. I have amazing people on all sides, rooting for me and helping me whenever they can. The trials I overcome, wil not be overcome because of my strength alone, but also because of the support I have from everyone around me. Aubree, Becky, everyone... Thankyou so much for being there for me. I do not know what I would do without you.

Swim

2007-05-10T19:48:00.000-06:00

I am one of the Mountain View swim captains next year, but the thing is, I am not fast or skilled nor do I have amazing endurance for the super long races. Sometimes I wonder if I should resign the title because the team needs a quick captain. But, maybe they need some one like me. I, though not fast, do not give up, I keep swimming until I can't anymore, and I like the feeling of water on my skin. There are bad days, days where I feel small, stupid, and slow, and I wonder why I even bother. It is a hard thing to swim every day and to see everyone else beat you to the wall... every time. If you have never felt that before, you can't understand. I am the one the coach puts in the slow lane to be with the new swimmers and easier sets despite my 2 years of swimming. And really you have no idea how much I wish I didn't need that. I would give almost anything to be fast. I really would.
But, there are also good days, days where I decide not to care about speed, days where I give myself up to the water and it seems like it is meant to be. The best time for this is in the warm up, I just swim and breathe as little as I can without feeling like I am going to die. It seems like I should be fast if it feels like this, but that's not the way it is. i don't know why it is me who can try and try and never get fast, but it is. I have needed to get used to it, and I still have days where I want to quit because it is so hard for me. But I don't, because I know the next day can only be better. When I have hit the lowest point, when I think there must be something wrong with me, because there is no way someone can be this slow, I know that I can make it. That I am better than giving up, that I am above that. And my knowledge of myself makes all the difference.

Perception (Mr. Rich I think this one might be worth your time)

2007-05-06T17:00:00.000-06:00

But you don't know what it's like when you try
and you try and you try and you never get there.
Because, Because you were born perfect and I was born
like this and you're perfect. People like you don't know
People like you don't know what it's like to get hurted
because you don't have feelings People like you don't
feel anything.

That is Sam's opinion in probably my favorite scene of "i am sam" his words are followed by Ritas expression of her own failures:

You think you've got the market cornered on human
suffering? Let me tell you something about people
like me: People like me feel lost and little and ugly
and dispensable. People like me have sons who hate
them and I've screamed and screamed horrible things
at him, a seven year old, because he doesn't want to
get in the car at the end of the day. And then he looks
at me with such anger and I hate him then. 'I know I'm
failing you I know I'm disapointing you I know you
deserve better but get in the f'ing car' it's like every
morning I wake up and I fail and I look around and
every body seems to be pulling up but somehow I... I...
I...can't. No matter how hard I try some how I'll never be
enough.
Every time I watch this scene I cry because I understand how they feel, both of them. There are those days where I try and try and try but I can't do it, I can't be good enough, but everyone else seems to be doing just fine in their perfect little worlds. I think everyone has days like this, days where it seems that they are destined to fail. So it seems, after all of that crying I should hate this scene, but I don't. There is something about the way it can connect me to Sam and Rita, it makes me know them and know that I am just like them. Even when I feel that I can only fail, I can make it. See here's the thing: life is not about always feeling good about yourself or being perfect, it is about trying as hard as you can, and even when it is so hard that you KNOW you can't do it you still try until someday you do it, and it feels so good that you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so amazing and you never want it to go away.
Sam believes that he is the one imperfect man and that everyone else is doing better than he ever could. But he is wrong. A disability does not make you less of a person. I can connect with Sam, I have no disability, but there are times when I think there must be something wrong with me because nothing works out right. On good days (most days) I remember my dreams and my capability. I am worth something. There is no one who is worthless, we see the world as being full of perfect happy people while we feel dejected and overworked, and they think the same of us. How can we believe that we are worse off than anyone else when we don't know what goes on in their heads?
I think that we know how we feel, and that is first priority. We believe that our feelings are so deep and real that no one could possibly understand, and if they don't they must not feel, at all. Then we justify, if they do not feel than they do not have problems, if they are problemless than they are perfect, and their perfection makes them happy, beautiful, intelligent, and a little bit pompous. So whats the deal? How can we really believe that there are normal people who don't feel at all? We don't. We just can't make ourselves believe that they might understand us.

Guilt Trip

2007-04-29T10:43:00.000-06:00

Normal people feel guilty when they've done something wrong... then there's me. I on the other hand am guilty the first time I think about doing or saying those things. I try my best to avoid being mean to people, because I already feel bad about it before I've done anything wrong. When people are rude to me I often just let it pass because I don't want to hurt their feelings, completely disregarding my own. The analytical part comes now, why do their feelings seem more important than my own? Well it starts with the fact that I do not know exactly how other people feel, so I know that I could be hurting them more than I see. So since I know my own feelings I can deal with them, but it is not my right to manipulate theirs. Then, I also know that as bad as I feel already about what I have thought, I know that I will feel much worse when I have said it. I hate being the cause of other's pain, I can't stop thinking about it when I am. If I end up saying the mean thing, I turn it over a million times in my mind and by the time I am done with it, it has become the most terrible thing anyone has ever said. Thus my guilt is increased. The last reason would have to be that people have said things to, and about me that were horrible, and I did not like it. I do not want to be one of those people, the ones who don't care about their effect on others. So I try to be nice, as my guilty conscience directs.

Mesa Vista

2007-04-22T11:28:00.000-06:00

This is the second blog I have written today, but it is the more analytical of the two so Mr. Rich this is the one for you. Mesa Vista is a care center in my stake's boundaries, for people with mental and physical disabilities. Twice a year we go and give the sacrament to these people on sunday mornings. And I have a definate love hate relationship with it. I love to go and help these people, but I hate that they have to be there when I do not. My question then, is why do I feel that way (not "how the heck can I have a relationship with a care center)? Well, it all begins with a comparison of my body to theirs. I have a body that I take for granted and that works pretty well, I do not share the physical disabilities that prevent them from blowing their own noses or even walking. It seems unfair to me that I can move freely, do my own hair, and go for a swim, while these people cannot even live with their families or leave the center by themselves for an hour or two. It leaves me questioning why my body is strong and and free and they are stuck inside of theirs. The next step comes from family. I live at my house with mine, while they live in a center and recieve perhaps an occasional visit from their parents. Today there was this boy there who had Downs syndrom he was probably between seven and ten years old. Have you ever seen a child with Downs? They look almost perfect in a way, with smooth skin, soft expressions, and a kindness that you don't often find in anyone else. But this boy lived there, in a care center, while I live at my home with my family. It made me cry, I am not angry with his family, because I do not know why they don't keep him with them, but I wish they could. One time at the care center, I was going to sing in church afterwards, I was about twelve, and I had dressed up for the occasion, and one of the girls was telling me about how her parents were coming to visit, and that they were going to give her a dress like mine. I do not know if they came or if they found her a dress, but I hope they did. The last thing affecting my relationship with this care center would have to be the mind. It makes me feel unworthy to be with them when I think of the many advantages I have. I can read a book, quickly, and completely comprehend it but some of them cannot even talk to explain how they feel. And I wonder how can I even pretend to understand how they feel, whe I have so much. I have so much. And, I take it all for granted, when I go outside, to work, or to a friends, I do not think "how lucky I am," in fact I am probably thinking about some small unimportant thing, like the terrible weather. Who am I to think like that? That is why I love and hate visiting Mesa Vista, because I love to see them I love to interact with them, but I hate to see their pain and to remember how much I take for granted. They appreciate the small things. There is this girl Allison and one time she had a bottle of hairspray that had been replaced with water, and she loved it, she was continually spraying her hair because she felt it was helping and she was so happy. I need to be like that, happy with what I have, and don't we all?

Reservations

2007-04-22T11:15:00.000-06:00

There are times when you have no one to talk to. It is not that no one cares, or that no one wants to help, but it is because of you (me). When I cannot find anyone to talk to it is usually because I do not want to burden anyone with my problems, or because I feel bad and I don't want them to understand because if they did I would have to listen to what they had to say. I wish that I could just feel comfortable talking to some one and showing them a part of myself that they may not be able to see other wise. But I don't. There was a time where I was more open, I talked to two people I trusted completely, and it felt good. Until, I was betrayed. That may seem to be a strong word but actually it is weak compared to how I felt at the time. One woman listened to me and helped me, and the other spread my secrets. I still feel sick when I see her. I don't know, that is kind of a stupid thing, it has been a long time and I should have forgiven her completely, and I think I have, until I see her and remember. It isn't fair for me to feel that way towards her when, truly she was trying to help. I can't really help it though, I'm not angry, I just have a hard time retaining food inside my stomach when she is around. I don't know exactly where I am going with this, but I had to get it out on paper (or the Internet) so I wouldn't have it festering inside of me.

MORP

2007-04-15T15:45:00.000-06:00

So, Morp is a good thing. I had a lot of fun despite being extremely sick. When I left for the day date I had a temperature of 101 Fahrenheit, and when I got home (around midnight) it was at about 103, so pretty much it was crazy. I still managed to have a pretty large amount of fun. It all started with a trip to the mall, where my date and I thoroughly lost a people scavenger hunt, and came to the realization that young couples don't like to be talked to. Then we went to the park for a picnic and drank Kool-Aid that had double the sugar and Kool-Aid packages for the water in it. Through it all Aubree was kindly reminding me of how out of it I seemed to be, and it was an interesting experience. At the park while everyone else was being crazy on the slides and swings I was busy taking pictures of my date Ben (Belnap) in his best attempt of seductive, dying and dead poses after Aubree quite evilly pushed him down the slide. So after dinner we dropped the boys off at their homes and changed into our cowboy/girl attire. At the dance the mantra became "are you okay?" And of course my answer was consistently "yes," whether or not it was completely true, because at the dance is a little bit late to tell the guy that you can't go. When I finally arrived home I thought that I might be dead, but I wasn't. So here comes the ever-awaited question portion of the blog, how is it possible that with a fever, sore throat, runny nose, and headache I could have a good time? And the answer is: with the help of a sweet date, amazing friends, and slight delirium. Anyways, thanks all of you, especially Ben, for making Morp great.

Rhetoric and Composition

2007-04-08T17:05:00.000-06:00

When I was quite a few years younger than I am now, I was once asked the qestion, "Do you believe everything that you read?" and my prompt reply was "it depends on wether it is fiction or nonfiction." Since then, the literature world has not gotten any more simple, through high school I am faced with some teachers bent on teaching me how to write to fit their personal opinions with no consideration of teaching me to write well. This is definately not true of all teachers, but it does rise the question... ... ... What is good writing? And the answer to that question, has not yet been discovered. This past thursday afternoon I accompanied my mom to a lecture on Rhetoric and Compostion at Westminister College in Salt Lake City. I was excited to go mostly because I wanted to be in Salt Lake and not for the lecture, but against all odds it was a lot more exciting than the title foreshadowed (I didn't think that anything could ever be more exciting than Rhetoric and Composition sounded, but it was). What I learned was, that "good" writing-as it seems it must be--is completely subjective, and dependant upon the audience. And, therefore, a really good writer would be one who could appeal to many, or dare I say, all audiences. Now, it seems much to difficult of a task for the average highschool student, and I am no different, except maybe that I actually care. It is important to me to be a good writer, I do not really care wether or not my writing gets me a good grade, I want it to be good, and hopefully a good grade will follow. In this lecture many different types of writing were aknowleged that I had never even thought about before. For example, the lecturer displayed a YouTube video as a form of composition, and though it had many different mediums it was writing. Lab reports, memos, letters, blogs, the backs of cereal boxes. Those are all examples of writing, and someone had to write them. Each of those are different an serve a different purpose, but they are all writing, and people actually think that writing is unimportant and not at all useful. How wrong they are. So its Easter sunday, and I sit here writing a blog about the importance of writing while eating yellow peeps, and waiting expectantly for a dinner of stirfry with brown rice, and an after dinner activity, coloring eggs. And, I wonder why the heck I even care. And really I don't know. I want to have the perfect elixir that cures bad writing and tranforms the minds of young writers, creating a complete moster- the author. But, despite my efforts, I cannot, it is a second type of alchemy, and destined to fail. But i did not write this to be the discourager of students, My actual intent was to show that you can be a good writer, even if all of your essays come out with a large red letter F on them. That is not the only writing, and that same essay could be submitted to a different audience and win some strange writing award. Don't be afraid to find the writer inside of yourself.

About a Boy

2007-04-01T11:42:00.000-06:00

This is not a blog about a boy, (although at the moment I could write a great deal about one of them) instead I am going to write about, "About a Boy." It is an amazing movie and... I love it, I love it because I can relate to it. First there is Fiona who is one of the main characters, Marcus', mother. There is one scene where it is morning and Fiona is trying to get breakfast for Marcus, but she keeps on spilling the milk and the cereal and she is just crying, and trying to appear happy and strong for her son. I understand that, I have days when everything goes wrong and I feel like crying, but I know that I should pretend to be happy for the benefit of others. But, those are just occasional days, other times I relate more to marcus. The poor kid is kind of a misfit, he, had friends at school, but they stopped being his friends to avoid bullies. That is not the part that I relate to, but I thought that you might like some background information. Marcus is like me during the Christmas scene, in a way that I think makes him relate to almost everyone, first he gets a tambourine from his mom and a pair of socks from his insane father. And, second he received a CD from Will. He acts happy and excited for all of his gifts, even though tambourines and socks aren't exactly ideal presents, and he didn't even know what a CD was. We have all experienced that type of thing, you recieve an undesirable gift and are obligated to be happy to have it. And sometimes you receive a present you don't understand that turns out to be amazing. The last person I am going to relate myself to is Will, and it is hard for me to do that because, he is kind of a selfish guy, and I don't want to have to admit to any selfishness myself. He lies about having a two year old son in order to find an attractive single mother to date, and have break up with him. When I was in 5th grade I switched back to my old school in the middle of the year, and none of my old friends were in my class. When a girl came up to me and talked to me about her favorite TV show, I told her that it was one of mine too, even though I had never seen it. In order to keep up that pretense, I started to watch the show, and it turned out that I did like it. I do not believe that it is a good idea to ever start a relationship based on a lie, but I was a ten year old kid with no friends in my class, and I did not know what else to do. It ended up working out a lot better for me than it did for Will, but still I can relate. "About a Boy," is great, and I am sure that if you were to watch it you would find a connection too. It contains all the likable things, awkward preteen boys (who actually are now quite good looking), attractive men named Hugh Grant, and ducks who get hit in the head by large rock-like loaves of bread.

Graffitti

2007-03-25T10:41:00.000-06:00

So from the title of this blog, one might assume that it was going to be on the reasons behind graffitti: the quest for the title "Grafartist," but, if that is what you are looking for, you are reading the wrong blog. This blog is not actually on graffitti, instead it is on Alias, a show almost as terrible as the two-second graffiti on the wall opposite my house, but so amazing that I will probably never stop watching it. Last night I finished the first season, at the third to last episode everything began to unravel and I almost couldn't take the tension... almost. Instead of cracking under the pressure, I watched the show, eyes practically glued to the screen, as wives where threatened, partners discover secrets, and Will Tippens has a tooth forcefully removed. So here comes the part where I ask a question: Why the heck am I watching a show that made me cry almost 10 times in one episode? And, the answer is that if a program has that much power over my emotions, it has to be amazing. So, I continued to watch the show until the season was over, lacking the forsight to order the second season in advance. Alias is amazing, it pulls you into the life of the characters until for an hour it is hard to distinguish a difference. "Oh, no they are torturing my best friend Will what will I do, oh ha ha, its just on the TV, I was just kidding about that." And that is pretty much how it is as I watch it, I think about how Charlie is cheating on Francie and what I personally am going to do about it, I wonder what i am going to do if Sydney's mom turns out to be the bad guy, how can I live after that; and I fear for emily's life after she is cured of cancer, how interesting of a dillema, now that she will not die from cancer, she has to fear for her life. Alias may as well be some addictive substance in my system, now that I've started I cannot stop without difficulty. Try it and you will see, a show really worth analyzing.

crazy

2007-03-18T17:18:00.000-06:00

What is it to be crazy? How do we decide who is crazy, and how is anyone left out of that group? There are some people that seem so completely normal it makes me sick. I am weird but... am I really? So, there has to be specific guidelines to what makes a person crazy, but these guidelines vary from person to person. It is like when criminals are referred to as armed and dangerous, as if a murderer with a gun could possibly be gentle, calm, and harmless (actually it is not like that at all but I was thinking about that so I had to put it in). I find it hard to understand why we put people into the category of crazy, when we KNOW that we are probably in theirs. I consider some one to be crazy if they run around naked down the street, but to some that could be completely normal. Someone may think that I am crazy for dreaming big, and expecting to make it. It doesn't really matter who thinks what is crazy, because who knows how sane they are anyways. This blog could possibly be the weirdest thing you ever see, but if it is, I feel bad for you. Who said that weird was a bad thing, really it just makes life more interesting.

Expectations

2007-03-11T17:03:00.000-06:00

As Humans we are all faced with certain expectations, they can be from your family, friends, teachers, and most importantly yourself. Sometimes it seems that the weight of those expectations is beyond the maximum weight you can hold. Screwing up is bad enough when you are the only one hurt, but when you see the disappointment in someone elses eyes it is too much. That is what sometimes makes life seem too hard. We can never meet everyone's expectations, especially when those expectations contradict one another. Some expectations are impossible to meet but we still must fulfill them no matter what the cost.
We all place impossible expectations on the people we love, and we all hate having those expectations placed upon ourselves. Why do we choose to have improbable expectations when we know that they will probably be missed? I think that when you love someone you want them to be the very best they can be, and our idea of "the best" is usually different from theirs. People want you to be the person they believe you can become, but they sometimes forget to care about who you want to be. When goals are placed too high, at a point where they can not be reached, disappointment always follows. In my opinion, there is nothing worse than not reaching the expectations of someone you love. It makes you feel like you should have been so much better, or have tried so much harder, even when you couldn't have. People's high expectations can lead to big crashing falls that could have been avoided if there was only, support instead of cricism. Think before you speak, and before you act ask yourself this question,"how far will they fall if I ask them to be this perfect."

Why I love the Rain

2007-03-04T16:47:00.000-07:00

I love the rain because it is water, and I love water. No, I just thought that I would say that as a broad nonanalytical beginning to my blog. I really do love the rain though. There is something about the sound it makes as it hits a roof top that has comforted me since I was very young. The smell of rain is also something I love, not the terrible Utah Lake fishy smell, but the clean rain in the mountains smell. Rain, is a beautiful thing, and I love it. When I cannot sleep I wish for the quiet raindrops that create, for me, a lullaby. There is something in the way the world is clean after the rain that makes me long for it. A rainbow, though the meaning has been disfigured a bit in recent years, is a beautiful thing to say. I remember playing in the irrigation water while it was raining and coming so cold, and so blissfully happy, that I could not even try to explain.
I stand in the rain, head pointed upwards and I feel happy, really happy. As the rain flows freely down my face, it mixes with my tears and I feel safe. That is why I love the rain, there is a safety inside of it that I long for.

To speak your mind

2007-02-25T10:44:00.000-07:00

The words you say are not the words you feel. They are a censored version created to make everyone happy and to keep you safe from judgement. It is not your fault, everyone does it. We are all so afraid of what other people think that we forget about how we feel. We forget the freedom honest words can earn you, we remember only the pain we feel when our ideas are thrown to the ground. And, sometimes they are. That pain is more physical than it should be. It feels as though a part of you has died and will never come back. You can never believe that again, it is wrong, and will never be right. No wonder progress is slow, the whole world has a bad habit of pandering. We wand to look and sound good for everyone else because what they say matters more. It shouldn't. We need to start caring more about what needs to be done and less about what the "important" people will think about it. Not every idea can be amazing, but that doesn't mean that you should never share one, what if you have the idea that will change the world and you hid it away to become perfect in a dusty corner of your mind. However bad it feels to share an idea and have it trashed, it is worse to have the chance to save a life and throw it away.

My impending death

2007-02-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

So, this blog is about the signs I have seen of my deaty and why. Yesterday it began when I was watching both how to lose a guy in ten days and CSI at the same time. It waas the first time I had ever seen anyone on tv with my same name, and in the episode of CSI the murder victim was named Corinne, a little bit creepy, eh? But here comes the really scary part, the next show to come on was Patch Adams which I had never seen before, but the female lead was a woman named Corinne. And, consequently near the end of the movie she was brutally murdered by a man named Larry. All of this happened with in about a three hour period and at the end I was slightly freaked out. I do not believe that TV can predict the future but nevertheless I knew that it must mean something. Perhaps my life is not a life at all, but instead a book that some soon to be famous author is writing and the death of two Corinne's in one day was a strange foreshadowing of my impending death. This author must be extremely talented because my life feels quite like a real life, and my friends and family don't seem to be fictitious characters but it could be possible. Another option is that my life is more like the Truman Show and I was chosen as a baby to star in a reality TV show that I would never know about, but instead of figuring it out, the world would become bored with my show and I would be murdered to add some action. I actually do not believe either of these theorys but I had to write a blog about something and that strange coincidence seemed like a good Idea.

My friends, again

2007-02-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

I know that I have already written about my friends but, they are pretty good friends so one blog was not enough to fully describe them. Lately we have been discussing the reasons for our friendship and those reasons are as follows, Aubree has a phone, Becky has a car, And I, though lacking things of a material nature, am there to help them with their English needs and to solve minor disagreements. The real reason though is that both of them are completely amazing people who I can talk to and have fun with even when my legs are being, slowly and tortorously freed of hair. Cool is not enough of a word to describe them, and fantastic is a little bit too lame.
I have had best friends before but no friendship has ever been so important to me as this one. People always say that your High school friends will not be your friends after High school is over, but I hope that it will not be true, at least in this case. Some High school friendships may collapse due to the insecurity of their foundation, but, my friends know things about me that I have never dared to share with anyone not related to me. If your name happens to Becky or Aubree, I hope that you know this is for real. I like you guys a lot and I will track you down. Well I hope that this hasn't been overly sentimental and goopy because that was not what I was going for. The end.

College confusion

2007-02-04T14:38:00.000-07:00

I am a mere junior in high school and it seemed that college was many many moons away. But, that all ended yesterday when I received 18 emails from various colleges and universities, in addition to the three letters I received on that same day. I hope that all of these college board members realize that I am not nearly so interesting as they seem to think I am. The Email that I was most excited to receive is the one from Stanford University about a summer learning program for high school students interested in attending Stanford where you take courses and stay in dorms for a month over the summer. Why are colleges so very interested in my attendance? I think I have found the solution, they are under the severely misguided impression that high test scores mean genius sized brains. So, so untrue. It is not of course that I am stupid, many an IQ test has proved that to me, but I do not want to send a false impression of superior brilliance that I can never live up to. But the confusion I feel is not only because of that. There is that whole thing of knowing what to do with my life, I have no lack of ideas or desires but I do have a slightly gargantuan amount of indecision deep with in me and also quite near to the surface. This blog has mostly been an (analytical) shpeel about my inability to make life effecting decisions but nevertheless it has been effective in convincing myself of my own large cash of options between which I have no hope to decide.

Super Nintendo

2007-01-28T18:11:00.000-07:00

Today after much anticipation I have rediscovered the joy of super Nintendo. There is nothing in this world quite so fulfilling as playing Donkey Kong in your PJ's, really there isn't, and if you don't believe me just try it sometime. It seems that the game station world can not possibly have gotten better than those two half naked monkeys (actually the dad is a gorilla, something I have yet to comprehend) trying to save their banana collection. In "real life" it is not very often that you actually get to see monkeys in baseball caps and neck ties swinging through the trees. And so to bring in the oh so important analytical portion of this blog, I ask myself, why do I like this game so much? Well reason number one would have to be, it is a most excellent way to avoid doing my homework, 2 I like to be a monkey okay, is that a crime? 3 Though real life bananas are quite disgusting there is something appetizing about them when they are my source of life. 4 would have to be the amazing before their time graphics that grace the TV screen every time I play. Alright so I am quite the super Nintendo junkie, and it is not just Donkey Kong, I will gladly play Mario or Earth worm Jim to pass the time. Well whatever, I think I'm just about done so I'm going to shut up and play some high quality video games.

Frustrations

2007-01-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

Life is full of millions of things that cause me, and everyone else involved in any sort of life at all, to be completely and totally overcome. Sometimes what I want more than anything else is just to give up, go to my room, cover my head, and go to sleep until the magic fixer fairy comes to save the day. Sadly I have never had a day where the fixer fairy actually came through for me. Still I hope, or not really, I have finally settled to the fact that I must actually do things for myself. Sometimes it seems that the whole world is in my hands pushing with a crushing force that I cannot control or even begin to handle. How can life really cause me this much frustration? I know that these troubles are not permanent, that in fact they are very brief, but still the end looms so far away that I can hardly dream of tasting that sweet victory. Will I really come out victorious? I don't know, it seems that I fail so often in the little things that I could not possibly win, but I do know that I can try and that if I am really willing to try hard enough I will find a way to at least overcome somewhat. I cannot bring myself to believe that I am a failure, I have tried so hard and faced to much for that to be true, but inside of my head there lives a small insect created of all the doubt I have and it is not afraid to bite. Though the bite is small it sometimes begins to take over, the doubt replacing the faith, and the darkness replacing my light. Luckily the insect has no real poison unless I let it have control and that is something that I can never do. I will not let the pest of my own doubt win no matter how overpoweringly right he may seem to be, He is only strong when I allow him to be.
That is why I will win. I will come off conqueror and so can you. Look beyond the darkness of doubt and find the courage to believe, in yourself if nothing else.